What do I do? Damned either way I think

[Tinyhumansurvivalist]

Apologies, this may be long to set scene..

Ex and I got together fairly soon after previous relationships failed, not rebound but under different circs probably wouldn't have run as long as it did.

He has 2 kids with his exw and we have dd together. She is nearly 7, we split 2 years ago after 2-3 years of not being right, me constantly trying to get him to make an effort both with me and the kids. Eventually I stopped trying. We became house mates rather than lovers and eventually I found the guts to walk away.

2 years on and he is still a feckless wonder when it comes to parenting... There are other posts on this to do with him not getting out of bed and leaving dd to fend for herself half the day etc. I banned overnight contact and it has recently begun again.

Last weekend he decided he was "too tired" to have her and spent about an hour sending pathetic woe is me messages aimed at getting me to offer to keep her (he does this for all sorts of reasons and I no longer offer) apparently being tired is another reason to jot be a parent... I have been constantly tired since I was pregnant... Wish I'd known it was that easy to abdicate responsibility! Anyway eventually he said he didn't want her and would I have her. No issues, she's my world. Explained to her that daddy was tired and wanted her to stay with me, she wasn't remotely bothered by missing out on seeing him.

He returned her at 1400 on Tuesday to my mum (in a key worker mum helps with childcare on my days). Dd was pestering for snacks, mum joked about it and said something about "hasn't daddy given you lunch" at which point dd got a bit upset and said no. Ex looked sheepish and said the older 2 hadn't got up til 1030 so no one had had breakfast til nearly lunch time. Dd is not a late riser (I bloody wish she was) so will definitely have been awake by 730.

He has returned her to me tonight (we have 50/50 contact that rotates around his shifts) and her hair was matted to hell. When I asked him about it he said she wouldn't let him brush it without making a fuss so he didn't bother... This is not an isolated occurance of this.

Whilst bathing her tonight she has angry read marks on her bottom, I've text to ask about them as he didn't answer the phone to me, but he hasn't bothered to reply. She was tetchy and emotional, clearly very tired. We had a chat about bed times and I asked her how late she went to bed at daddy's... Her reply... "I'm not sure mummy, daddy keeps having really long naps in the evening so I don't go to bed til he gets up and tells me to go to bed"

Obviously it's summer and light til nearly 10pm, I am teaching her to read a clock and tell time but she's struggling to pick it up , so she's of the opinion it's light so not bedtime...

I am absolutely steaming, he is yet again not looking after her, neglecting her and thinks it's OK. I've tried to call him again and he's refused to answer so I've sent him a message asking about it. She's not a liar so I know it's true. But after everything he's reverted straight back to form.

I'm definitely stopping all contact after 1730as he clearly can't be arsed, but half of me says to protevt her I should either demand supervised contact or stop it altogether...he's her dad and she deserves a relationship with him so I don't want to go down that route unless i absolutely have to, she will hate me and I know eventually she will be old enough to see for herself and make her own choices... I will be the bad guy regardless... But what the hell do I do?

I don't want to destroy their relationship but I can keep seeing her at risk and hurt in his 'care'

A relationship that is seeing her suffer neglect isn't one she needs op..
My dc went nc with exh when they were old enough to say enough is enough due to neglect and lack of parenting..
Trying for force him into being a decent df is having a bad effect on your dd.
Let him seek legal advice. Keep a diary of his behaviour and dd's responses to it.

Thank you! I do sometimes wonder if I am over reacting and just being a picky bitch, but honestly I am so sick of being the horrid mum who reduces her to tears whilst I try and brush the matted mess of hair that comes home with her.

The really sad thing is she doesn't actually want to see him most of the time. She only wants to go when her brother and sister are there. She'd rather stay at home.

He brought her back one evening the other week as she needed to see gp, when she realised my dp was on his way up she refused to go back with her dad. When she came back the following day she was really angry with me and kept telling me that my enjoying time away from her meant I didn't really love her. It broke my heart. He claims he hasn't said anything like that to her, but where the hell does a 6 nearly 7 year old get an idea like that of not from something he has either said direct to her or she has overheard being said to someone else?

In 4 months of lockdown he hasn't left the house with her on his days. He's taken her home, sat her with the electronic babysitter and ignored her.

It is poor parenting. And neglectful. He clearly doesn't want to parent and you can't force him to step up.

If you offered him a few hours contact once or twice a week would he oblige?

I know that is putting the responsibility on you but your dd can maintain a relationship with her dad but you can protect her from his poor parenting.

Well he finally replied about midnight and as usual denies everything. Dd is not a liar and doesn't make things up. When she is telling me she gets up for a wee and can't go back to sleep and it is light out she goes to try and wake him up, but often "he won't wake up mummy" so she looks at his clock and if it doesn't start with a 7 she goes back to her bed to try and sleep or plays. At least I know she has learnt some of the "tell the time" stuff we have looked at!

Ex is blaming dd, doesn't feed her because she won't say what she wants or says she's not hungry... Doesn't brush her hair because she cries.

I've properly lost it. I've told him there will be no further overnights as he clearly can't be arsed to be a parent and of I hear once more about him sleeping when he should be looking after her then I will stop all contact.

@unicornsarereal72 I don't think he cares enough to argue to be honest. But that is what it will end up as. It will end up as a few hours supervised by my mum I think.

My ds won't tell me what he wants to eat, hates having his hair brushed, and gets up at an ungodly early time. As his parent, I feed him anyway, brush his hair anyway, and get up at the same ungodly time if he can't be persuaded to go back to sleep. That's parenting, and the bare minimum at that. If you stopped contact completely, would he fight to see her, or would he just give up?

@katmarie I'd love to say he'd fight but I honestly don't think he would. Not because he doesn't love her but because he is a lazy SOB and he'd just never get round to it.

His apathy for life in general is part of why he is an ex, along with his stupid belief that he gets to continue life as he pleases doing whatever the hell he wants regardless of the kids wants or needs. I spent the best part of a decade forcing him to parent his older two because as step mum it wasn't my place. I thought he had learned... Apparently not!

He labour's under the huge misconception that he is their best friend not their parent, so misdemeanours are treated in a "there there, did you do it because..." which automatically gives them a reason they know won't be punished. When DSS was 9, we went to an aquarium for the day, he refused to eat his sandwiches because there was a cafe serving chips. We were on a tight budget and couldn't afford for us all to eat out. He threw a massive wobbly and ended up kicking me and punching me in the tummy... I was 4 months pregnant at the time. Ex did FA. I frog marched DSS to tge car, confiscated his game thing and left him there... I wked far enough away that I could see the car but he couldn't see me and sat and cried. Ex refused to punish and had a go at me for "ruining his (as in ex) day. The writing was always on the wall really!

There is no way my DD would be doing overnights under those circumstances. You are quite right. She can have a relationship with her dad without staying over.

I would send her with a basic phone. If he keeps napping she rings you, you collect her..
Once exh was napping and dc all under 10 treis to cook burgers. Ds stabbed his hand trying to separate frozen beefburgers. One ds scorched his trackies on a gas fire..
Wish phones had been out then...

Thank you!

I've told him there will be no overnight stays and if I hear one word that he's been "napping" then it will be game over.

I think what has really pissed me off is him blaming dd! She's 6 ffs, she often needs cajoling especially if she is engrossed on playing or watching crap on TV.

Posting an update

So after the above and ending overnight contact ex refused to see dd at my mums after they had been away for the week which angered mum, he denied to her that he knew anything about overnights stopping. He didn't bother to sort out having dd until gone 8am in the Saturday and the got arsey when I said I wasn't sure she wanted to see him.

He ended up having her for 9 hours and all he fed her in that time was 6 chicken nuggets and all he gave her to drink was a small McDonald's drink. I have massively lost my shit. He tried to blame dd again. I called at his house and it was a tip, I honestly think it would make some of the places on hoarders look empty. It stinks, is filthy...totally unsafe.

I have lost my shit and banned all contact until further notice. I am currently trying to arrange childcare for the days he should have had her over the holidays. I have a meeting with a childminder next week and my amazing dp has spoken to his boss and will be working from my house every Friday so he can help out. He has said if the childcare is too expensive he will book holidays or work from home more to be here for her. He is a very senior manager, his job is important and he works for a global company for one of the key directors so taking time out is a big deal. I am still in shock that he has insisted on doing this. I've told him its OK, I'll manage financially in the short term but he won't hear it.

How is it a "step" parent can care so much more about the well being if my baby girl than her own parent does?!

Well done for protecting your dd. Sadly you can't make people proactive. My ex was the same. He wouldn't think to give the children a drink because they never asked. They were too little then.

Could you offer him one visit a week to take dd out for tea? That way you know she is being cared for appropriately but she still gets to see her dad?

@unicornsarereal72 I think that will probably be what it ends up as. I am kind of hoping that this acts as a massive wake up call and the fact that I have sorted childcare out and don't need him woll make him realise how deadly serious I am that this cycle will not continue.

Dd is upset at not seeing her dad, we have had as open and honest conversation about it and I have talked to her about why it has come to this and that she absolutely hasn't done anything wrong and mummy is very proud of her for speaking out. I've explained that as a mummy it is my job to make sure she is safe and sometimes that means that mummy has to make some very hard choices to do that.

She is excited about the prospect of a childminder and she adores my dp so is happy that he will be here more. So hopefully it will work out in the short term at least

Well done for protecting your Dd . If she was older I would say let her figure it out but it is damaging .

@Starlightstarbright1 thats what I keep saying to dp because I think if him and ex see each other anytime this side of the next century dp is likely to murder ex and Bury him under my soon to be excavated and fully landscaped garden. Dp hates ex both for the way he has treated me but more so because of the way he treats dd. I genuinely cannot describe how amazing the relationship is between him and dd. If you didn't know she wasn't his you would never guess it. They adore each other. He crawls around on the floor playing with her dolls with her (he is a very stocky body builder physique ex bouncer do it is hilarious to watch) he has a ridiculous job working for one of the company's senior directors ...he is known by his reputation at work for being serious, on point and a take no prisoners approach. So seeing him up on stage at a holiday camp dancing and singing to a popular kids song was insane. I had horrific stomach pain for days after laughing so hard...but he openly humiliated himself in public for my dd...he literally dpends hours trawling the Internet for ideas of days out for her, has booked holiday and wfh days to help me out with childcare when mum can't have her..literally all the things a proper dad should do. Dd is noticing the difference and her choice over where she is and who she spends time with is becoming more noticeable and I definitely think her dad is passed at it. He blames me but he can't see that it is his behaviour driving it.

I emailed him this week and laid it out straight that actually dd doesn't want to see him, she goes for the games console and her siblings and not to see her dad because he makes no time for her. I think (hope) it has touched a nerve but time alone will tell i guess.

Anyway thanks for the place to vent and for reassuring me I am not the bjtch ex thinks I am. Not always a vipers nest on MN!