AIBU? Or are people deluded.

[cassyy]

My child's father has just lost his job. Therefore can't pay maintenance. I'm a reasonable person so although I'm annoyed there's nothing that can be done. BUT he just told me he lost it 2 weeks ago yet didn't think to tell me until he was supposed to pay money today and only told me because it wasn't in the bank so I had to call and ask what was going on. He genuinely does it to get under my skin. On all levels we are not on good terms but tolerate each other. All im asking for is a bit of respect to let me know these things. Needless to say this turned into an argument and im now the worst person in the world because he says I'm not being sensitive enough to his feelings about his job. He has been iffy with payments in the past so it causes tension.

I understand why you're upset, but given he has just lost his job and the job market is not great right now then it does sound like you are being insensitive.

It sounds like you're holding him accountable for previous things rather than specifically this thing and it maybe isn't the time for that? He's likely stressed and worried and this argument isn't helping anyone.

Yanbu- If he knew 2 weeks ago he wasn’t going to be able to pay he should have told you that 2 weeks ago.

Waiting until the money is late and leaving you to chase him up is irresponsible and goady.

YANBU he should have warned you that his maintenance payment for his child would not be coming so that you could make allowances for bills etc. No excuse whatsoever. Acting like a big baby complaining that your being insensitive would he be sensitive to the fact that you possibly couldn’t pay bills because he didn’t pay ?

Maybe he was under pressure and didn’t want to tell you OP. I wouldn’t press him too much because as much as it’s a rubbish situation he’s got a valid reason. Do you not usually go through CSA so it’s easier and you don’t have to communicate about money as often.

The thing is i was understanding about him losing his job but what made me mad was when he said it was two weeks ago. I only said well you could have let me know then and he started with loads of hostility about it all. I understand these are trying times for him as it is for everyone and he should have been responsible enough to tell me this. I might look in to child maintnence service when he gets another job.

He lost his job 2 weeks ago and he's already totally out of money?? How does he have zero cushion? If he really has zero savings then he should be selling off whatever we he can in order to pay for his child!

Of course he should have told you immediately. You need to know what your income is so you can budget accordingly. He acted irresponsibly.

Yep I had one of these. Lost his job last year. But didn't think to tell me until I asked where the money was.

Funny how paying child support is the first thing they think they can not pay

Sadly I'm still waiting for any money to come my way. But I've given up now. CMS have no teeth I'm afraid.

You are not being unreasonable. On the one hand, I can see why he might be apprehensive about telling you, but on the other, to leave it until the money simply failed to arrive seems almost like he's goading you into an argument to me. I think most people would be understanding with a little bit of warming. I think with none whatsoever, most people would be pissed off. He had prior warning he potentially might not be able to meet all of his outgoings this month. You didn't, which potentially could cost you (overdraft fees etc) so that stinks. I would be pretty pissed off. I certainly don't think you're being insensitive!

Everything you all have said is more or less what I said to him but he can't understand it. If he had let me know I would have been more careful with money this month. I'm glad most of you don't believe I'm being unreasonable because I don't think I am either.

I agree on the surface he should have told you two weeks ago, unless he genuinely thought he may have been able to find another job asap (digging his head in the sand..).

But I can understand if money has been a issue of contention between you both in the past he may have wanted to avoid the argument or been scared of telling you because he knew it would blow up, and has stuck his head in the sand hoping the problem would magically disappear.

I don't blame you for being angry, I would probably blow up something tragic if I was in your shoes, but after the fact I would have considered using hindsight why he may have been reluctant to mention anything (not saying he was right to not say anything, he definately wasnt, but i can see why he May have avoided saying anything if a lot of your disagreements tend to revolve around the financial side).

YANBU. Yes, it’s stressful for him to lose his job but it also has an impact on you and his child. He should have told you immediately to help you plan financially for the sudden drop.

The parents paying child maintenance have it too easy, especially given the pitifully low amount the have to pay which pales in comparison to the real cost of food, housing, childcare and all other costs of having a child.

If you, as the receiving parent, lost your job all of a sudden you would still have to pay to feed, clothe and house your child.

He should have told you and offered at least something. Does he think his child won't need to eat this month? Is he ringing his utilities company / landlord and saying he's not paying this month? Ffs.. Why is maintenance optional? Oh right yes, because the almost always female RP will fill the gap somehow. If you're re being kind and you can manage then yes, fine, but ask him what his plan is for next month. What is he pro - actively doing about this?

I think he just doesnt see it the way i do. I can only put it down to selfishness and with his inconsistincy with payments in the past it does make me really annoyed i cant deny that.

YANBU you don't not to be sensitive to his feelings he is not your problem any more. He should have told you when it happened 😡