Hi all!
Will try and be brief, but apologies if this ends up being a novella. Just need some other parent's views on this please...
DD is 9 and is registered as living with me. Pre-lockdown ex would see her one weekday after school and every other weekend. This was arranged between us - no contact order is in place...also there has never been any child maintenance payments, if that's at all relevant...
At the beginning of lockdown, we agreed to isolate for two weeks. Just as a precaution...and then we could resume with our timetable, provided we were all socially distancing as per the government guidance...
DD and ex facetimed daily. We also visited his garden for socially distanced visits, but at no point after those initial two weeks did ex ask for regular contact to resume, so this became our new normal for several weeks. He didn't express being unhappy about this and, if anything, seemed to encourage the arrangement...
After several weeks of this, he asked for normal contact to resume, as he wished to take DD to a family event. I said sure, so long as he was continuing to follow the government guidance. He agreed.
He then proceeded to drive DD for hours to and from the event with members of two different houses also in the car and then held a non-socially distanced after party in his home, with around ten people who did not live with him...DD was incredibly upset upon returning, as she had tried to socially distance and was met by disapproval from ex and multiple family members hugging and insisting on close physical contact, despite her politely declining. She was uncomfortable, as she knew she shouldn't be doing this...he also tried to insist on DD sitting to eat a meal non-socially distanced with a friend a different day, inside. All this took place when it was actually against the law to do so...
It's come to light that he hasn't been following social distancing guidance this entire time...at all and has been visiting multiple friends and family and hosted a full on house party at his recently...
I have explained how uncomfortable this has made me, in regards to DD's increased risk of infection. His response is that DD has more chance of being hit by lightning than becoming seriously ill with Covid and it is not my business what he chooses to do with his life.
I agree with both of those points, generally speaking. However, just because DD is statisically not at a high risk, surely his actions to repeatedly mix with others, as if this pandemic is not happening is increasing her chances of becoming ill?
Ex has said he would not be worried if DD caught the virus and is still refusing to follow government guidance, but is also insisting that normal contact resume.
Consequently, I have paused direct contact for now as I believe it puts DD at an increased risk of becoming infected, when that simply doesn't need to happen. I have messaged ex to say as much and have offered for facetime calls to continue, until such a time as he socially distances properly or the guidance changes to say what he is doing is appropriate and safe for us to do...
DD is fine with this arrangement. She has expressed that she doesn't wish to go to ex's, as she is not comfortable with him pressuring her to interact as normal with those she doesn't live with...she has tried repeatedly to ring him, but he doesn't pick up her calls...
Fast forward a week or so and ex has been messaging me non-stop emotional abuse. He has tried to claim he has been socially distancing (despite admitting he hasn't been and it being posted all over social media) that DD is mistaken in her experience, that I am stubborn/mentally unstable/a narcissist/a child abductor/alike to the Stasi...I could go on...
I have calmly and repeatedly reiterated that I believe allowing DD to see him right now would be putting her in harm's way, but should he start to take the social distancing guidance seriously, the direct contact could resume, but ultimately it is his choice whether he changes his behaviour for DD's wellbeing or not. In the meantime, I am offering indirect contact through facetime.
I don't think I am being unreasonable to ask him to socially distance properly, in order for DD to move safely between us and to minimise her risk of infection. I'm not asking him to walk over hot coals...
In his mind, I am completely in the wrong and worse than Hitler...
I suppose my question is, am I?
What would you do in my position?
Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I don't really have anyone in the real world to talk this through with.