Ex having a child - finding it very difficult, any tips?

[BighouseLittlemouse]

Hi All

Just wondering If anyone has good practical advice. My ex left 2 years ago following an affair, now having a baby with his girlfriend. We have two DS 8 and 5.

I’ve always been positive about the DSs dad, never mentioned the affair etc. I am finding it so difficult though to deal with having to hear about the new baby from the kids and be positive. I don’t know why but it’s also made me feel irrationally worried about the kids wanting to be with their dad more of the time ( which I would facilitate of course! ) - as part of a big family. Whereas here it’s just me.

Also wondering what this means for the future. I still haven’t met ex’s g/f but thinking will this need to change re the kids new half sibling? How have people dealt with this?

In addition eldest doesn’t have a good relationship with his step mum and hasn’t taken the news very well. Again how can I help him through this ( he also has some SEN so finds change very difficult).

Hi,

I am in a different situation to you but I read your message a couple of days ago, and it has been on my mind to reply. My ex partner and I split up 3 years ago (following an affair), and the children (5 and 7) live with me. His girlfriend and her 2 kids have recently moved in with him and suddenly he is happy to have our children more often (it has always been a battle to get him to have them one night a week/every other weekend or anything regularly). Our children like going to his house and they have fun with the other kids, which is obvs good, but I find it hard.

It must be so so difficult for you, knowing your ex and his girlfriend are having a baby, I am sorry I can't offer you any advice, but I hope you can somehow find a way to cope with this, and have some good support around you? It must be such a huge gut wrench and just so horrible for you. I can't imagine how I would be feeling in your situation and my thoughts are with you.

You have to do what is right for you and the children. How ever that looks. I'm from a split family. My mum was nothing but hospitable to my dads g/f and further down the line my half brother. Making them welcome and celebrating my brother birthdays etc.

I have to say now I'm a single parent I'm not so sure I could be so obliging. Although my ex hasn't behaved very well towards me and the children. He quickly moved in with ow/gf. And although I remain positive about the children's relationship with their father and his gf. I haven't laid eyes on her and have no wish too.

(The difference for me and my mum was my dad travelled a few hours before he got to us. So she had to let him in where as my ex is local and can just pick up and drop off).

Your children will always love you and have their home with you. You just need to keep doing what you are doing. Giving them a safe place to share their worries and build up their relationship with step mum and new baby. How that pans out isn't in your hands remain positive and neutral.

Thank you both for responding.

Yes my ex isn’t always great with the kids ( and did move in immediately with his g/f) so whilst I’m positive about him and her to the children I don’t particularly want to see her in person.

I guess I hope like everything else it will get easier with time - I will do what is best for the kids - and obviously I would be nothing but kind to their half sibling who is also just an innocent in all this. I’m actually surprised at how upsetting I’ve found it - I guess it feels like he still has the power to impact my life. And it’s very strange to think of the children having a half sibling who I have no relationship with. I suspect this happening in lockdown hasn’t helped.

Anyway many thanks again for replying - I really do appreciate it

I’m sorry you are in this situation and hope you have some RL support for you as you try to navigate these changes and support your children.

As far as your 8yo goes, I’d listen to him and his concerns and acknowledge his feelings. It must be hard for kids when their own feelings are constantly discounted and they are told they need to see it from their dads point of view. All because mum feels the need to be “ positive “ about dads lifestyle choices.

I see it all the time here.

“ I feel sad because dad left us and went to live with Emma and I miss him “

“ oh don’t be silly, you will still see him and your cute new sister Evie. Babies are such fun “. Or

“ well remember dad told you that he fell in love with Emma and you Want him to be happy don’t you ? “.

“ he didn’t really leave you he just left me because we are not married anymore “.

8 year olds are allowed to have their own feelings and opinions. They don’t have to buy into adult nonsense and deny the reality that is staring them in the face.

Not saying you are doing any of this but it’s common advice here on MN.