Moving from 50/50 arrangement (teens)

[birthdaybelle]

My DD has been happily 50/50 since being a year old. She's 14 now.

Both families very friendly and amicable. He's remarried and they have a 2 year old. I've been in relationships but I'm single right now.

Since the end of last year she's been asking to spend more time with me and less time with him. It seems like she wants this to be more fluid. Most of it seems to be driven by the fact that if her friends are doing something and she's at her dad's then she misses out. But also hers and her dad's relationship can be quite strained these days. As of course a lot of teen girl/dad relationships are. I've suggested many times that we try to resolve the issues and her step mum and I have tried to work together in that but no matter what, things seem to slip back.

Dd and I are worried about hurting his feelings. I know he'll take this really badly. But I can't keep putting his feelings above hers.

What can I do?

Thanks to the PPs. It's all reassuring- was starting to wonder if I was being unreasonable and if I should be forcing her to go. On balance, I think any forcing at this point will totally wreck their relationship and quite possible hurt her trust in me too.

Good idea about holidays. She's said already she's happy to share holidays and that she's happy to be freed where at all possible for special family events. I hope the "special family events" don't suddenly arrive every week!

I think possibly he's scared like all of us that she's growing up and doesn't need us much anymore and I guess this is a massive sign of that

He sounds extremely controlling and I would support her in building healthy boundaries with him - as she grows older, this will be important. I sense he is the type to lean on a daughter too much, until there isn't the emotional space left in her head for herself.

I'm beginning to agree. We've had messages about how thy is is his "worst nightmare", he's so upset, he was sent home from work, this is too hard for him to deal with, the rejection etc etc. It's really too much now. I'm keeping as much of it from her as I can but she's going to go there on Sunday and she's already worried he's going to be upset and she'll feel bad

I do agree with a lot of what is being said but I think labelling him controlling etc isn't correct.
This is a perfectly natural reaction from a parent. It's easier for you to feel level headed about it, as in effect, she has chosen you, and your home. Yes, in reality it may not mean that you see her more but do you understand where I am coming from?
He will come around and accept it but let him have his reaction first and then move forward. I think you know deep down that if she has chosen her Dad's house to spend more time, you would be feeling the same right now

I agree with Daisydaisy3. Of course he's upset. Why wouldn't he be? It would be my worst nightmare too. So what did you do?

He needs to grow up, it is not about him and I hope your DD is not already walking on eggshells not to upset an oversensitive dad. Teenage is not only for kids to learn to be independent but for parents to come to terms with the idea that the kids are getting ready to leave. Forcing her to continue with a 50/50 agreement as a teen will only ruin their relationship with the needy parent or both of you both of you insist it should continue because that’s what dad wants.

By the way, kids do not “testify against a parent”, family courts are not like those devoted to crime (or those on TV!!!), it is normally just the judge, the parents and the solicitors. The judge may want to have a word with the kid on his own if they are old enough, otherwise a CAFCASS person will be assigned to find out, over several home visits, what the kid wants. They avoid confrontation or making kids feel they are betraying the parent they don’t want to see as much, as they do not want to damage the kids further while trying to sort the problem.

Their relationship will be ruined anyway if she does this. She should talk to her dad about it. If he still says no then she should probably accept that. Her dad is not "oversensitive".

Honestly, if you have a teenager and are not prepared to provide the time and space your teen needs away from you to grow, become independent and have a reasonable social life, you are not only oversensitive but selfish and controlling.

If the child is of primary school age or younger, I totally agree with you.

I don't understand why he would prefer to force his DD to spend 50% time at his house, against her wishes?
She's 14 and should be treated with more respect, so I hope he backs down a-bit over this.
Seems unfair he is allowed to progress in his life (partner, young child) but your daughter isn't?

I don't understand why she can't hang out with her friends when she's at her dad's. Are they living far away from each other? I don't think that's good reason to reduce the number of nights at her dad's. They can have a good relationship with fewer days but it's not really the same.

My teen dd decreased the amount of time spent at her Dad's as her job is near my house. She'll hopefully pass her driving test soon and be able to drive to his after work if she wants but we'll have to see how it pans out.