Moving from 50/50 arrangement (teens)

[birthdaybelle]

My DD has been happily 50/50 since being a year old. She's 14 now.

Both families very friendly and amicable. He's remarried and they have a 2 year old. I've been in relationships but I'm single right now.

Since the end of last year she's been asking to spend more time with me and less time with him. It seems like she wants this to be more fluid. Most of it seems to be driven by the fact that if her friends are doing something and she's at her dad's then she misses out. But also hers and her dad's relationship can be quite strained these days. As of course a lot of teen girl/dad relationships are. I've suggested many times that we try to resolve the issues and her step mum and I have tried to work together in that but no matter what, things seem to slip back.

Dd and I are worried about hurting his feelings. I know he'll take this really badly. But I can't keep putting his feelings above hers.

What can I do?

Maybe approach it from a 'now DD is 14 and beginning to be a lot more independent and doing x y z with friends, plus you now have your new child at such a great age to do fun toddler things, perhaps we can both be more flexible to allow DD to do more things with her friends and this would allow you to do more age-appropriate things with your 2 year old and wife. ' ie make it about him as much as her

That's a good take on it actually, thanks for that. I'll definitely incorporate that x

I told him and he's taken it really badly.

teenagers get social lives, we all have been them!

he probably has taken it badly but unfortunately this is not about him. Give him space,and let them work out contact, at 14 she should be able to figure it out herself with a little push from you

teenagers get social lives, we all have been them!

he probably has taken it badly but unfortunately this is not about him. Give him space,and let them work out contact, at 14 she should be able to figure it out herself with a little push from you

Sorry to hear he's taken it badly.
Another point that may help him accept it is that she's not actually choosing to spend more time with YOU, she's choosing to lodge nearer to her mates. You'll probably see no more of her than you do now!

That's so true! I rarely see her at the moment because she does all her socialising when she's here as can't really do it when she's with him - I probably won't see any more of her now!

I wouldn't have a conversation that makes it about him, because it isn't and it sounds like you're trying to sell it to him. It's simply that she's 14 now, her independence and social groups are most important to her at this age of development, fluidity is good, she can make her own decisions. She will understand to make time for her half sibling too and dad/step mum etc

You should prep her dad that this conversation is coming and he needs to not take it personally, then the 3 of you should discuss it together and set new rules/boundaries.

I think this is fairly common. I’ve known two children in family who had 50/50 care and in their teens decided to mainly stay with one parent.
I think moving between households so much can be really difficult with all the complexities of teenage life.

I agree with previous poster. Maybe start a conversation with him about giving her more independence generally. In that conversation maybe toy can say that she is now old enough to decide when she wants to stay where, rather than stick to a rota for contact with each parent.

DD has been going to her dad's less since she started secondary and started having more independence. She's 16 now. I actually think 50-50 doesn't really work well for teens. Too complex for everyone and also hard to parent well. Parenting teens isn't really something you can time-share, like you can with younger kids. It needs one person to be on top of their life. If they have busy social lives then it's hard for either parent to do this well, and lots of opportunities for things to slip though the cracks. It's also not really necessary on order to have a good relationship with both parents once they're older.

It's reassuring to hear this is normal. He's taken it so personally. Another issue we've had is that she is quite an emotional person and where as when she was small a cuddle from either parent would do, she finds talking through problems easier with me - that hurts for him to realise but I guess is common. Plus, I'm here after school and he's at work until late so I think that helps.

This happened with my ex: he wouldn’t accept it. He still doesn’t so we have a strict 50:50 schedule even though the dc are now nearly 18!!

Frankly he is quite an angry man and will not countenance a change. I’ve said they can live with him but they don’t want to. So we keep trundling back and forwards.

I looked into sorting in our via the courts but the dc did not want to have to “testify” against their dad.

Thank fuck I left him.

Can't the kids say they won't go?

On a practical note could he be concerned about the money side of things? Is he thinking you might suddenly want him to give you more money each month that he doesn't have?

Do they have any hobbies or anything they enjoy together? Would it help to focus more on positive things they can do together, with flexibility about when they do them, rather than counting up how many nights she's in each home?

@firefliess I hope they can. He seems very fixed on the number of days being an indication of the relationship whereas I think they can have a brilliant relationship with fewer days but more quality time (and I hate that phrase!)

He's actually not there a lot when she is so he won't personally lose much time. I think it's more the thought of relinquishing the days and as @Woodmarsh suggests... it could be money. Although I told him I wouldn't ask for any so I hope that's not it. I would hope he'd want to contribute but that's up to him

Having to split yourself between two households seems a lot for a teenager. I’m not a child psychologist, but we all know that your teens are key years in the development of personality - often in contradistinction to parental norms and values. I remember as a 14 yr old I would spend an extraordinary amount of time shut in my bedroom, pretending to do homework but in fact making mix tapes and deciding what posters to put on my wall and how to arrange them. Also faffing around with clothes and outfits and “looks”. Basically trying to work out who I was and how I expressed that. It strikes me that trying to forge an identity for yourself would be so much harder if your time was split between two homes, 2 parents, two bedrooms, 2 sets of parental and household dynamics, etc etc. I don’t know if others agree. Maybe you could find some literature on teenagers and ask him to read it together so you can come up with an arrangement that better supports her through this stage. But I think your instinct to reduce the number of nights at Dad’s are right. And of course if it ever went near court, your daughter is well into the age group where she would get a say.

That is such a useful point @dontdothis we have different sets of rules at each house (not always easier at one or the other, just different) and we are very different people, different leisure activities, Tv choices, families etc. Even politics. So yes I can imagine that forging an identity would be hard in that situation

I barely see mine and they both live with me 100%. It is not about him but about her being a normal teenager.

Damn it I wish I'd name changed so I could show him this thread actually

@QuietlyWilting it's crap isn't it. We spend years wishing they'd be more independent then it happens over night and they're gone!

I think you and ex need to talk (include stepmum too probably) and explain she wants flexibility but she will aim to spend some "quality" time each week with them, some with you when she's not with friends and also it won't be a set schedule but if they have important things they want her to attend they are welcome to let you know as well as her so you can remind her.

@birthdaybelle I think it helps me get used to the idea of them leaving home in due course, as they are detaching now. But when I see people with little kids I do get a bit jealous.

I work at a secondary school, students often complain about having to move between houses, missing their friends, getting in trouble for forgetting g equipment books etc. Let's face it adults would hate to live in two separate places so I think you are doing the right thing.

In terms of school holidays how are you going to divvy those up now? Maybe put days in the calendar now that can't be changed so that he has some guaranteed time with her, but at the end of the day he's a grown man he needs to get over it. I grew up with both parents and the only time I really saw them was in the car going to friends or activities etc it's a normal part of growing up.

I would suggest moving away from the schedule and ask if they can just be flexible so she can essentially go there whenever. She’s fourteen so this shouldn’t be a problem.

My DS stopped going to his dad’s altogether when he was fourteen. It was a bit more complicated than that but essentially he just stopped going having already reduced it from no longer going there during the week.

Your ex needs to bear in mind that at fourteen it is her wishes which are paramount, and if it ever e.g. came to court the courts would go with what she wanted.

Similarly PP I just wouldn’t entertain the ex demanding the eighteen year olds go there on set days. They’re adults and are no longer beholden to him. I’d just be encouraging them to do as they want without justification.