Co-parenting & child arrangements

[Laurawatsonx]

My ex partner left two years ago and moved 33 miles away to be closer to work and moved on very quickly with someone else.. despite my efforts to get him to continue co-parenting with my during the week, he only wanted (initially) to do Friday nights. I allowed this. He now has them 11ish Saturday - Sunday dinner time each week is what it’s been for almost 18 months and it’s a challenge to even get him to have the children two nights a weekend on an occasional weekend to help me out. This also means me and my side of the family are missing out on the weekends with my children. He refuses to have them fortnightly.

He’s now saying he is moving back near me and the children and dictating that he will be having the girls 50% of the time (after almost two years of not being assed about having them any extra than the 1 night). I’m absolutely dreading this & due to his narcissistic personality he’s also a nightmare to co-parent with.. as much as I’ve tried to remain friendly.

Where do I stand with fighting this? The girls don’t particularly enjoy going to his house for longer than one night, he will be working from home so won’t be able to commit to 50%, I Also don’t want this for my children and he can be very dismissive and abusive in the things he says to the children. Constantly making my eldest feel like she’s never enough or doing enough for him.

I have looked at parallel parenting but dreading the court ordeal.

Any help is appreciated.

Do you think he'd be prepared to take you to court over it?

Do you think he really wants it or is he just trying to scare you?

Or is he doing it so that he doesn't have to pay any maintenance?

@StrawberryJam200 His child maintenance payments have gone up £75 a month & he’s just found out I’m meeting someone new.. so I do think it’s a mix of both. Last time I tried moving on he started with the excuses of moving back closer to help me out more with the girls. I.e. trying to muscle back in.

I personally don’t think he wants it, he doesn’t have them any extra now even when I give him the opportunity and will drop them with no thought if work calls him. During lockdown alone he’s let them down for two weekends because of work.

I’m just nervous, and feel like if he does fight it I won’t have any footing and will have to allow it to happen, but the routine and the stability of things now just seem to work perfectly for the children & us both in terms of schedules x

Try asking him if he's prepared to step up now and try having them Fri and Sat nights one weekend.

If he goes 50/50 he'll not have them every weekend either, so that blows his argument out of the water.

How old are the dcs?

@Muppetry76 Hi! Oh I do this every weekend when he drops the girls back off, I ask him what the plan is for the weekend after and whether he would like them Friday and Saturday night. It’s VERY rare that he has them more than the Saturday night & doesn’t hesitate to drop them off as early as he can on the Sunday. He’s having them next weekend for Friday and Saturday as it’s our eldests birthday. He doesn’t take time off during half terms either. He books weekends away and week holidays with his girlfriend and drops it on me last minute that he can’t have the girls due to that. He moaned 5/6 weeks ago that he doesn’t get his own time over the weekends anymore because he has the girls. I genuinely feel like I’m in a lose lose situation.

My eldest is 5 next week, youngest is 2 🙂

Sounds like you could do with a formal agreement so he cannot keep chopping and changing. I would find a good mediator and see if you can get an agreement. he may well refuse to engage, in which case you can suggest an agreement that works for you and if he disagrees keep pushing the mediation.

OK. From today, make sure you text him to confirm days/times he's having them. Build up a pattern. All innocent like. He's digging himself a very deep hole if he's doing the minimum and cutting time down whenever possible.

Get it all in writing then if he goes to court you have evidence he can't stick to even a day schedule use words such as consistency stability regular access stay child focused at all times

I suggest you stop asking him his plans and telling him yours. If he enquires you say you have a babysitter organised.. He isn't having them because he is of the breed that associates childcare with being your job. And if he thinks the dc are with him so you can SOCIALISE, well hey fuck that!
Offer up eow and a day midweek. Keep details of this and any messages. A court won't give him every week end or 50 /50 with his record. Keep receipts to show you are /have been main carer.

@refusetobeasheep I tried mediation last year when he left & he refused to go as he was angry that I got legal aid and he had to pay. I will have to absolutely resort to this option again if things continue to be his way or no way.

I’m trying to keep the peace but I’m always on the sh*t end of the stick by doing so, I definitely need to change it!

@Muppetry76 I will start doing this, I will text him & make sure I’m keeping records of this from now on. I’m sure he will absolutely keep digging this hole whilst thinking he’s doing the right thing. Thank you!

@slipperywhensparticus I’ve bought a diary today to make notes of the time he turns up and drops the girls off aswell, as the pick ups are getting later and the drop offs are getting earlier! He turned up to drop the girls back with me 4 hours before our agreed time 3 weekends ago! Thank you for the pointers!

@Sunnydayshereatlast Oh of course he is, I’m the mum so the entirety of raising children falls on me.. UNTIL he wants to be awkward and have a temper tantrum because he’s bored. I will be more clever moving forward & will be keeping track of everything. I also pay the full mortgage monthly that has his name on and have been making house improvements, so I need to keep receipts regarding the house too. Thank you for your help

You need to sort the house out asap your not going to get credit for improving it if you sell it you will just get 50/50 unless you have a prior agreement

Sounds like a control thing. He can see you're moving on and is using the kids as a last measure to keep you in check. As pp said, keep all the texts and WhatsApp messages. Show that you've been flexible and consistent in encouraging access while he has been reluctant all the time to increase his time with them. Why is so keen to change it so much now?

I would be really surprised if he follows through with any of it but for your own peace of mind I would think about getting a court order in place so that he can't play these games any more.