Been doing too much?

[gretaandesme]

So I just probably need to rant really and gain some perspective.
I think I have been doing too much and want to train myself to slow down.
I am a lone parent with a one year old and her dad is in America, where we were homeless- he was abusive and has been in and out of jail since we left and stopped his (what was sporadic) contact completely at the beginning of the year.
So I was in temporary accommodation here until January and then moved into a council house and it wasn't very suitable- I.e. no carpet, used cigarette filters all over the garden, no curtains or curtain poles, no white goods, wallpaper stripped off, dirty walls and no furniture.

Anyway since then every single day I've been trying to do at least something towards getting it into a more happy environment, on top of breastfeeding, feeding myself, setting up all the new bills, trying to keep DD entertained, and also trying to chase her dad to keep her relationship going and debating visiting to ease the guilt for leaving.

I feel like I'm getting burned out though. A lot of people in my circle keep asking me how the house is going and kind of expect me to have the house fixed up and make comments when they visit and encourage me to keep doing things like painting and looking for curtains. We dont have any support- I dont have anyone to babysit or take her for a few hours and it would cost me more than I would earn to put her into a nursery for a few hours a week- and there aren't any close enough that take under 2's.

I've now got carpet, half the windows have some kind of covering, a third of the house is painted (when the odd relative has a day free and can do a wall here and there), a mattress on the floor, white goods, a small tv, a sofa and drawers.

I don't really know what I'm asking here but do you think I should stop and wait until dd is older to finish it off or keep going? Will I miss out on remembering special times with her? It feels really hard to slow down but I'm constantly exhausted and keep getting fatigued and ill.
Some days I just want to go to the beach and chill out but it is so hard when I see all the things which need doing in the house. Not to mention the nagging feeling from relatives whenever they visit or speak to me and bring it up.
Also, is it hard to do two whole years without childcare (at 2 i will get funding for the local nursery) ? Does the second year get a bit easier than the first? I feel like I have to make a decision and just stick to it.

I'm not complaining I'm just figuring out what to do for the best- wait to decorate when she is older and enjoy this time, or power through and get it done and then forget about it?

Thanks for reading :)

Are you in the uk? Universal credit covers up to 85% of childcare costs

@slipperywhensparticus

Are you in the uk? Universal credit covers up to 85% of childcare costs

That’s if you’re working.

Hello,
This sounds super tough but sounds like you’re doing an amazing job juggling all that you’re doing plus the emotions that come with having a new baby. I’ve been a single mum for a while but my son is 10 already now. But in the beginning we had only borrowed furniture and nothing new...and i think my walls/decorating was definitely ‘minimalistic’ for a long time. I definitely think you should slow down and reward yourself for what you’re achieving. Take a break and go to the beach, enjoy watching a silly series on tv, maybe exercise at home or even nap, sleep is like a miracle cure for so much! And all these things will create positive energy for you and your baby. And the happier you are the more energy you’ll have to use to get the jobs done you want. I can understand you want a nice place to live but it sounds like you’re making it happen. Take things easy and enjoy you’re little baby, she’ll be happy if you are. Do you not have family close by to help out or other mums with little babies? Sometimes it seems what your going through is the opposite of everyone else but it just takes time to find someone you click with and can share your feelings with and you’ll be surprised how much people want to help. The dad sounds like an idiot much my like my sons dad...

You're doing brilliantly. Well done.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to stop but you could slow down. Maybe plan to do one thing a fortnight rather than one thing every three days or whatever you currently do.

I'm a single mum, we've been in this house 9 years and I'm only just getting some things done now, during lockdown.

Of you want to work universal credits will cover up to 85% of your childcare.

I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job juggling. Everything. Just do what you can each day.

Look on face book and free sites for furniture and paint. People are always giving things away. Get one room
Nice. For visitors and you to enjoy. And the rest will come together.

One small job at a time won't stop you enjoying DD.
I'd not feel happy just leaving it all to one side. It doesn't sound like that will make you happy either and you being happy is one thing that will have a huge impact on dd.
Concentrate on one small job a week and it will all add up and you'll have created a home that makes you happy and that makes, in turn, your DD happy.

Thanks you all I appreciate it so much. Yes you are right I ought to just do one thing a week or one thing every two weeks and not rush to get it all done. I feel like I'm in a hurry since I had DD like so scared it will all be over soon and she won't have known a lovely life if I don't get it all done sooner, but you're right I have to be happy and she will be happy. Thanks for the confidence boosts and I will try to rest a bit more. I have family nearby but none of them want to help. They will spend time with us in their environments but that can be more tiring as have to watch for toddler hazards plus bus costs to get there (which is really extortionate here) and the travelling there and back can wipe me out. Have met a couple of friends nearby but I think everyone is just as overwhelmed as me, and I haven't been here long enough to have proper friendships where can just invite someone over to chill and play. Hopefully soon though. Feels like I'm constantly running a marathon to try and get to feeling my old self!!

Yes the dad is very frustrating- I'm having counselling to try and work through it.

The emotional impact is insane- I constantly feel like I've had the wind knocked out of my sails and wasn't prepared for that part of it at all. Every time I have an idea to make life a bit better I find I just don't have it in me emotionally to implement it like I would have pre motherhood.

Would love to keep this conversation going with you all- seems such a difference to get all the positive comments back.

With the UC (I'm in south east England), I did the maths and it would only work out better financially, if I was working full time and doesn't seem fair on baby girl to put her into daycare that many hours a week just for an extra few hundred a month. If I was part time I would potentially be a bit worse off with paying the 15% childcare and they would take some of the UC off me and I'm thinking my capped bills would then be more expensive. Just sounds like a lot of agro to juggle a job and being a baby mum and then still not get the break I need or even have time to do those things. I spoke to them as well and they sound very strict like if I worked 8 hours the childcare would be like 8 or 9 or 10 hours paid maximum and there wouldn't be any time to just chill before picking her up.

@Mintjulia I'm glad you managed to eventually get some of your house sorted- well done :)

@Naimee87 I'm going for minimalistic too- I thought it was a personal thing but now you've made me realise it's a mum thing

P.s. did anyone see the Rebel Wilson story where she said "Even if you have to crawl towards your goals?". I liked that a lot. Still struggle to implement the snail pace but made me feel less alone.

OP, the other good thing to remember is that small children don't even notice decor.

My DS didn't start thinking about how he wanted his room to look until he 9. So you have time on your side. Kids are great, as long as they are warm and fed, they'll forgive you most things

You’ve done amazing considering you have only been there since January. With it being council housing you have the added security of not worrying about doing it up then having to move out after 6 months :)

It sounds like you’re setting yourself tasks that overwhelm you then you end up miserable and stressed.

You’ve been through a lot and you are doing amazing! Keep crawling towards the life you want Rebel Wilson style, I’ll have to read that myself.

I’m a lone parent to a ten year old. When my DC was 2 we moved from one end of the country to the other to get away from my abusive ex. I know what it’s like to start again with nothing and how it seems like it will never come together.

It took me a while but now I work full time 9 - 5 and have done since he started school.
We have the closest bond and he is a great kid.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Go to the beach, make memories and get lots of pics the days are long but the years are short!

Crawling to get to your goals sounds funny but is true anything that comes fast and easy is usually too good to be true... better to be safe, sure and take your time. Even now with my son who is 10 i still feel like i have a million and one things to do all the time but i've learned to slow down and balance doing what is needed with treating us and relaxing/sleeping. Really really important things to do for your mental health. Both real gifts. It seems a shame your family are not on hand for you is there any reason for this or would you rather not go into it... nowadays friends become family very quickly. Financially for wok if you can wait i would but this is of course personal to you so i can't comment too much.

Yeah I think I will wait as I will have her while childhood to work. Just found out the libraries and children centres are allowed to open again from 4th july so fingers crossed they will and that will make it a bit easier to get a break from looking at the mess and still feel like I'm doing good things for her.

@Notglam yes I think you are right, I think my goals need to change to smaller and I will feel happier. I'm just used to doing lots of big projects so it is hard to adjust and I want to still be me and haven't found away to incorporate that into motherhood yet. Just feels like all I do is breastfeed, clean muck of the floor and push a buggy around. Haven't found a creative outlet that DD doesn't want to tear from my hands (she's really strong!).

Family are just like that- they are in their own worlds and I'm sure they think I should just be doing it myself as it was my choice to have a baby. There wasn't a huge rush to meet us at the airport or even come and see us when we arrived! But they like the social side of having a family. Just not the helping out parts. Bit ironic as I helped them all loads prior to travelling and becoming a mum.

little bits OP, just go nice and easy in regards to your house.

do not feel guilty about your ex. if he cant be arsed with contact, dont push it

set yourself a little goal, but if your baby has a nap, nap with her, or have a brew.dont always work or you will burn out

little bits OP, just go nice and easy in regards to your house.

do not feel guilty about your ex. if he cant be arsed with contact, dont push it

set yourself a little goal, but if your baby has a nap, nap with her, or have a brew.dont always work or you will burn out

First you need to stop chasing ex and worrying about what he's doing and definitely don't go out of your way to visit him, across the Atlantic no less!

Second, you don't owe anybody an explanation life is hard as a lone parent, when you have no help etc. It's not the same as parenting with a parent and loads of resources and support,

Go to the beach or the park. Take a day off and get some perspective. All work and no play is no good for anybody. You need some balance in life. And it can give you more energy and motivation once your back to it too, so that's an added bonus.

Your doing great xx

Thanks so much all of you. I honestly have just given up on it today and focusing on the little things like keeping the kitchen tidy and having a nice bath and sitting in the garden. Hazardly hung some washing out and that was enough for me. Not even looking for the next job any more. Didn't have the energy to make it to the beach! Even just lowering my expectations on myself and eating take away instead of making food all the time. Hopefully I will regain some strength and start enjoying life again. Definitely gonna let go of her dad- there's so many other places I want to travel too eventually, where I know I will have positive people around me. I really appreciate all the positive input! Xx

Also today I contacted a sleep specialist as if I can get her sleeping properly and not needing naps on top of me then I will have a few hours a day to myself to just relax. I seem to have managed to stay strong and create more of a routine today just at the thought of speaking with someone.