How to answer 'why hasn't Daddy been to see me'

[Fredsmum82]

Hi all, my LB is 7. His Dad has failed to turn up for 3 weeks (4 weeks on Thursday) for his weekly 1/2 hour visit (since Corona he cut it to 1/2 hour once a week) from a couple of hours a week (he currently has to be supervised as being investigated by police for crimes he's been accused of by 2 of his nieces), before this he had him all day on a Sunday every other week (again his choice). I've had no contact from him at all. I'm sure my son will reliase soon and I just don;t know what to say to him when this question comes up! Also, what do I do if his Dad just turns up again one day asking to have him? Do I say no after this non-contact or do I just sweetly go on for the sake of my son (and note like I do every week that he turned up)?
Thanks

'Some people don't know how to share their love.'

Then your dc can ask more and you can talk about all of the wonderful ways you make each other happy. Single parent here too. These bastards should be put in jail.

I feel for you, my ds is nc with his dad and i dread the day i have to explain why..i dont expect you to go into detail but im going to guess the "alleged" crimes against his nieces are cause for concern and if proved guilty will affect access to your son. Perhaps you should make a decision now if its best to continue any contact, constant let downs would be more harmful to your ds in the long run.it may best to pull contact and at least your ds wouldnt be geared up to be disappointed. You need to try to be as honest as possible with your ds, covering or making excuses for his dad will hurt him in the long run but dont go into the territory of bad mouthing dad as this can have an equally negative effect. Good luck

I agree, the bastards should be put in jail, think fathers day yesterday and all the poor fkn victims feeling sorry for themselves would have me give them a life sentence

What is the nature of his crimes against his nieces?

Louise91417

Yes. They should be branded or something. A big fk off green nose or something. So everyone, everywhere knows that they are not men who face up to their responsibility.

Personally id dip them in permanent yellow hue to represent the yellow bastards they are boy i needed this rant

@OhioOhioOhio

'Some people don't know how to share their love.'

Then your dc can ask more and you can talk about all of the wonderful ways you make each other happy. Single parent here too. These bastards should be put in jail.

Thank you, that's one I hadn't thought of!

@Louise91417

I feel for you, my ds is nc with his dad and i dread the day i have to explain why..i dont expect you to go into detail but im going to guess the "alleged" crimes against his nieces are cause for concern and if proved guilty will affect access to your son. Perhaps you should make a decision now if its best to continue any contact, constant let downs would be more harmful to your ds in the long run.it may best to pull contact and at least your ds wouldnt be geared up to be disappointed. You need to try to be as honest as possible with your ds, covering or making excuses for his dad will hurt him in the long run but dont go into the territory of bad mouthing dad as this can have an equally negative effect. Good luck

Louisa91417 - thank you! Yes if there is enough proof to go to CPS & court then it will go to trial if he pleads not guilty for what is being alleged (SS involved to do with the supervision)! If that happens I will try my hardest for there to be no contact until my DS is old enough to make his own decisions. Trouble is I've always made excuses for the odd missed visits but this is longest non-contact and out of the blue. He doesn't very often mention him week to week which is quite good but I'm sure he'll realise soon :(

When is his court date?

Try to stop making excuses, i understand you do it to spare your ds feelings but it does sound like dad is going to flit in and out of his life when the notion takes him, and thats probably the best senario..more than likely contact will get less and less until there is none. I no you probably dont want to cut contact all together as you dont want to be the one "responsible" for it ending completely but you need to go with your gut, you know whats best for your son and so long as you make a decision with whats best for him as your only reason then you will have done right by ds. An absent parent is not your guilt to carry. Be proud that you are there for your ds, that it is you that does all and leave the guilt at the door of those that deserve it

Surely he can’t just turn up out of the blue if supervision is required? No way would I allow him unsupervised access unless officially told it was OK by social services!

So sorry your little boy is being treated like this . I think the suggestion from a PP is good.

I wouldn’t fin him off and make it seem acceptable and that it is your son’s job to excuse him.

Fob him off

Don't mention it and don't tell him about contact. Nothing. If it asks say 'I don't know. If it changes I will let you know' -Grey rock. Only thing that worked here.

I like the first posters explanation ‘some people don’t know how to share love’. It places the responsibility on his father but does so without anger or bad mouthing his dad. Maybe I would reword it to some people don’t know how to show love.

I think lots of reassurance that he is loved and that not seeing his dad is not his fault will help. Does he have another male in his life he could spend more quality time with?

Given the allegations against him maybe it’s a good time for contact to reduce if it’s likely he will have restrictions or spend time in prison.

It might be worth getting some children’s story books that include storylines about separation and/or missing a parent. They might act as a useful tool to trigger conversations or talk about feelings.

(On another note PACT have a booklet called ‘locked out’ about supporting children whose parent are in prison if it gets to that point).

@Louise91417

Try to stop making excuses, i understand you do it to spare your ds feelings but it does sound like dad is going to flit in and out of his life when the notion takes him, and thats probably the best senario..more than likely contact will get less and less until there is none. I no you probably dont want to cut contact all together as you dont want to be the one "responsible" for it ending completely but you need to go with your gut, you know whats best for your son and so long as you make a decision with whats best for him as your only reason then you will have done right by ds. An absent parent is not your guilt to carry. Be proud that you are there for your ds, that it is you that does all and leave the guilt at the door of those that deserve it

Louisa, thanks. I think you are right and I'm trying to spare my DS feelings (he's only 7) and completely takes everything in (his brain is like a little sponge)! Mum guilt is horrible isn't it, even when it's not your fault/responsibility!

@ComeBy

Surely he can’t just turn up out of the blue if supervision is required? No way would I allow him unsupervised access unless officially told it was OK by social services!

So sorry your little boy is being treated like this . I think the suggestion from a PP is good.

I wouldn’t fin him off and make it seem acceptable and that it is your son’s job to excuse him.

Comeby, I meant knocking on the door asking to see him. He's cuurently supervised by his Dad (lives 3 doors down from me but is moving 250 miles away soon) when he does see him (refuses to come into my garden as his partner wouldn't like it)!

@SummerDayWinterEvenings

Don't mention it and don't tell him about contact. Nothing. If it asks say 'I don't know. If it changes I will let you know' -Grey rock. Only thing that worked here.

SummerDayWinterEvenings I don't mention him at all if I can help it. It's just if my DS asks (I'm fed up of making excuses or worried I won't know what to say)!

@AIMD

I like the first posters explanation ‘some people don’t know how to share love’. It places the responsibility on his father but does so without anger or bad mouthing his dad. Maybe I would reword it to some people don’t know how to show love.

I think lots of reassurance that he is loved and that not seeing his dad is not his fault will help. Does he have another male in his life he could spend more quality time with?

Given the allegations against him maybe it’s a good time for contact to reduce if it’s likely he will have restrictions or spend time in prison.

It might be worth getting some children’s story books that include storylines about separation and/or missing a parent. They might act as a useful tool to trigger conversations or talk about feelings.

(On another note PACT have a booklet called ‘locked out’ about supporting children whose parent are in prison if it gets to that point).

AIMD, yes I think I will phrase it like that if needs be. I am always reassuring him, tell him multiple times of the day how much I love him etc. Luckily, he has a couple of 'Grandad's' and male Godparents in his life who give him the attention he craves and teaches him stuff his absent Dad doesn't! Books sound like a great idea and if it comes to it the locked out booklet sounds like a good thing to get! Thank you.

Thanks everyone for you responses :)