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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

How do you cope?

30 replies

Jess234 · 12/10/2004 20:43

Just wanted to share my problems with someone.

I?m am single and living alone, as I am sure loads of other people are and they cope fine. But I am so lonely, I don?t have many friends at all, my best friend lives along way away, and because we cant afford to visit each other anymore we are not as close as we used to be. I have also got money problems, I have to get my phone and Internet cut off next week, to cover all my bills. I already go to a mum and toddler group once a week and I am going to check out another one tomorrow.

I know there must be other mums going through similar problems but how do you cope? Any ideas to help me?

Jess

OP posts:
sykes · 12/10/2004 22:21

Sorry you're having such a bad time, Jess, not sure what to say. I am a single mum with two dds and it's very hard, won't bore you with the in and outs but trying to reconcile with h at the moment. I think having friends around and thing to do helps so much and I hope you meet some new people through your groups. For me, getting out, even if I hated it sometimes, helped - just for a walk to the park etc. Lots of luck.

NomDePlume · 12/10/2004 22:29

Oh Jess.

I really, truly feel for you. I'm not in your position but I just wanted to let you know that someone else has read your post.

I'm not really able to give advice re coping alone, but I would say that the only real way to beat the loneliness is to keep getting out there and meeting people. Perhaps your HV could put in contact with a HomeStart volunteer, to help take the pressure of a little and give you a bit of support and companionship. Help rebuild your confidence to go out and meet others. If HomeStart isn't your bag then what about asking your HV to give you the number of your local MAM , Meet A Mum branch ?

beansmum · 12/10/2004 22:30

i dont really have anything useful to add. just sorry you're so lonely and i hope it gets better. i felt the same and still do sometimes, i live alone with ds and have no friends or family nearby. you just have to make an effort to get out and talk to people, i find that really hard and can actually go for days without talking to anyone except ds.

money problems don't help though, have you tried seeing someone about money, the CAB or somewhere like that. if you could at least keep your phone you could still call your friends for a chat, not the same as seeing them but it helps.

really hope things get better soon x

MummyToSteven · 12/10/2004 22:34

Hi Jess234. Like NDP don't know that much about coping as a single parent - my mum was single parent, but we always lived with my nan and grandad so it was different for her.

In terms of money - are you getting any help from your kid's father/via the CSA? Have you asked the CAB for advice as to whether you are getting all the tax credits/benefits you may be entitled to? How old is your lo? It's tough for many new mums making friends; when your old friends are far away, and not into babies anywhere it is a right pain. I agree with Sykes just to keep getting out - anywhere!

Is there a SureStart in your area (or anywhere near). If you are out of area, Surestart can still take you if your HV asks them nicely - SureStart do loads of free groups and classes - sometimes even with a free creche so you can go to the gym for an hour or two or do computer classes or something like that.

NomDePlume · 12/10/2004 22:37

Sorry, They are called MAMA, not MAM. Meet A Mum Association.

winnie1 · 12/10/2004 22:56

Jess, I have been a single Mum miles a way from anyone a I know and it is hard so I sympathise.

Firstly, go to CAB for free debt advice. They really can help you gain control and make your life more managable.

Secondly, as others have said you have to force yourself out of the house. Maybe you could start a college course. If you are on a low income or benefits, fees may be reduced or waived and their will probably be some form of subsidised childcare. You will probably meet other people in the same boat and I think it is important to do non child related things as well as the child related ones.

Unfortunately sometimes you have to put yourself out on a limb, take a risk and just approach people.

Build your self esteem and if your lacking confidence pretend... eventually you'll realsie you are no longer pretending. HTH

Good luck & best wishes.

tammybear · 13/10/2004 11:25

I live on my own at the moment. I do tend to get quite bored, which really does your head in, and I can't afford to go many places due to money. Im having a homestart volunteer to help me with going to groups as I tend to feel lonely, and to keep me company. Ive just started a college course too (photography one that lasts about 10 weeks). As Im on benefits I got a discount, so rather than paying £99, I only paid £39 which isn't too bad. Trying to get out of the house really helps though. Me and dd sometimes just walk to the train station and sit there watching trains going by (lol dont I sound sad!!) but it's an excuse to get out, and makes me feel a bit better. xxx

northstar · 13/10/2004 11:49

Our local tesco has a creche which ds loves, he happily goes in for two hours at a time and it's only £1 an hour. I go into the cafe and have coffee and read the left behind papers.

Every time we go for a walk to the park or river or library we tend to meet mums with kids - its the nice ones who take their kids out - and start up conversations. Even non-single mums get lonely believe me!

Sheila · 13/10/2004 14:40

Jess - so sorry to hear this. Don't feel bad about not coping (although you obviously are). I will write more later - have to go and pick DS up from school now.

Lots and lots of Love, Sheila xxx

tappy · 13/10/2004 16:00

i to have internet cut off as there was more important things i will get it on eventually . you can go to the library for free for as long as you like i go on internet while daughter reads and things most librarys also have story telling times where you can meet more mums good luck

Hairyfairy · 13/10/2004 16:59

Hi there. I know it's hard. I'm going through all that too. I've moved miles away from my friends and am feeling sad and iscolated. I had much better hopes for my life than being a lone parent with money worries!. Thing is I've started to think more positively recently. It's easy to think that you're the only one feeling like shit and that everyone else is having a great time. When you really look at other peoples lives things aren't really that great. I know people who I envied cos their lives seemed really 'sorted' but when we got talking turns out they're living with self-doubt every day, and that they're actually jealous of me and my independence! Try and Look at it this way. You are in control, and things will get better when you're ready to embrace the future. In the meantime have you considered asking your doctor for anti-depressants. There's no shame in it and it may just give you the lift to start reclaiming your life again.

Phoebe25 · 13/10/2004 17:32

Hi Jess.

You dont mention where about's you live. Maybe some of us are near you & could meet up?
Im in the West Yorkshire area, Huddersfield.

A fellow single mum to be (36wks)i know exactly how you feel. My best mate lives a fair distance away & other mates have all but lost interest now im no longer the party girl i once was!

As im just starting down this path, i cant really offer you any advice but it sounds like a lot of the girls here know what they're talking about. I'd especially like to echo the comments made by 'Hairy Fairy'.There is certainly no harm in asking for help.

I found ante-natal classes the hardest, all those smug married couples etc
However, we have to think of the positives.No useless men cluttering up our space & demanding there tea on the table at 6pm!
I can only just about manage a weekly visit from the berk, but that's a whole other story!

Chin up chick & keep in touch x [wink}

Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 20:55

Can?t believe the amount of messages left, thanks to everyone. It does make me feel better that others care enough to take the time to leave a message. I went to another mum and toddler group today, at first I found that the other mums were clickly, but towards the end I had spoken to some of them, my dd enjoyed it as well, she spent the whole time sitting in one of those little cars.

I have looked into homestart but not too sure if they can help, I have registered with MAMA though, as they do not have a group in my area. Thanks for the suggestion. I am also going to book an appointment with CAB, to see if they can help. The mother and toddler group I go to now is run by surestart, its very good, but they dont have many activities going on, my DD is too old for the baby lounge session, but that does sound good.

I would be interested in starting a college course but I suppose I have to wait to next year now.

I did claim with the CSA, but because my ex is from Australia and is living back there they can?t do anything, which I am angry about because he should be paying at least something.

I do lack confidence which I think is my main problem, and I will take all your comments into account to try and improve it.

Like many of you have said, I do need to force myself out, I think I have got into the habit of staying in and only going out if I need to and not if I want to, my dd is 1 years old, so its getting a lot harder to keep her occupied.

I am relieved to know that I can use the Internet at the library, as I was so worried about not being able to check my email and that. I will really miss it in the evenings, but I need to cut it off just to cover my bills.

I have been on antidepressants for a while now for PND, and am slowly weaning my self off them with the doctor?s advice.

I also found the ante-natal classes difficult and I think you realise more that you are single when you see kids with their dads. But like you said there are positives to be single, just sometimes you forget.

I live in Hertfordshire so it?s quite far from Yorkshire, but I would like to get in touch with anyone else.

Thanks again for all you really supportive comments and good ideas. I feel better now and much more positive.
Jess

OP posts:
Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 20:56

wow, very long message!!

OP posts:
tammybear · 13/10/2004 20:58

where abouts in herts are you? im in watford. there is usually a college course that start sept or jan or april. im doing three this year as they all last 10 weeks, and they can either be in evening or during the day. glad today went well xxx

Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 21:16

I am in waltham cross. what college are you studying at?

OP posts:
tammybear · 13/10/2004 21:16

west herts college. i did an evening part time course last year and doing a few this year too

Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 21:19

i will have to look into doing a course, it would get my brain working again, with any luck.

OP posts:
tammybear · 13/10/2004 21:21

it has really helped me, my brain seems to actually be working now lol. and also you get to meet new people as well and make new friends

Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 21:28

i think somebody metioned it, but it seems that all i talk about is kids, not that i mind but it would be nice to talk about something else.

OP posts:
tammybear · 13/10/2004 21:42

i know what you mean, but it's an idea for you to look into and then you've got what you've learnt to talk about

Original poster
Jess234 · 13/10/2004 21:50

yep, thanks for the idea, going to get a prospectus tomorrow

OP posts:
tammybear · 13/10/2004 21:52

hope you find something you like

moomina · 13/10/2004 21:53

Hi Jess

Sorry to come to this thread late and as usual everyone has got in before me with loads of good advice . Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I'm a single mum to my 15 month-old ds and it can be really isolating. I guess I am luckier in that I do live at my mum and dad's place so am not on my own all the time but my mum is ill so it brings its own problems!

It is really hard to get out there and meet new people - my best friends also live a long way away - and really easy to get into a spiral of not going out because you feel bad and then feeling bad because you're not meeting anyone or doing anything. But there are positives to being single, as you said. Definitely think about enrolling in a college course - they can be brilliant and it's much easier to meet people that way than just going to M&T groups (which I always find really difficult to make friends at). God, sorry, I have rambled as usual but just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

(Oh and sorry for hijack but - Tammy - I used to go to West Herts too! I did the postgrad publishing course there - it was great! Which campus are you on? is the Horns pub still there?)

tammybear · 13/10/2004 21:55

lol moomina, yeah the pubs still there. pass it when i walk to college, as im at watford campus. doing black and white photography at moment

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