How do you co parent with abusive ex?

[LillyJean1]

Hi... Just looking to see how others go about co parenting with an abusive ex?

The abuse is emotional, financial and mental as we are no longer together and haven't been for over a year however we are going through Solicitors to sort an arrangement for access as he is extremely unreasonable at every opportunity given to have access to his child and has alcohol and drug problems (he doesn't get the child alone and I no longer feel compelled to be around him for the baby's sake because it's torture for my own mental well-being). Recently he had been threatening again towards me and when this happens I don't respond to his messages or calls... However he then messages for days on end to see how the baby is? I'm torn between feeling guilty for not letting him know and just not wanting to communicate with him at all because he is so abusive to me.

How do you make this work in the meantime while waiting on solicitors and contact arrangements?

Anyone with similar experience advice please?

Thank you x

I can't really offer much advice from the co-parenting arrangements point of view because mine are much older and I no longer have to deal with that. But it is nigh impossible to have a decent co-parenting relationship with an abusive ex unfortunately. They use any correspondence as a means of attacking you. My ex of 4 years now will still send shitty text messages blaming me for various things our youngest does, or the fact that our eldest (DD26) refuses to see him or talk to him or that our youngest (DD16) isn't answering his text messages or isn't ready when he calls round etc despite the fact that he won't text me to tell me when he is supposed be be seeing her, etc etc. All this is because I won't play his games anymore. I send brief factual messages only when I need to let him know something important and don't respond to the more batshit of his ramblings. Today's treasure was being blamed because he had to wait outside in the car for the 16 year old to get ready to go out for a walk even though (a) I didn't know what time he was coming for her and (b) he isn't allowed in the house after all the abuse I suffered from him when for the first year after leaving he would let himself into the house (including just walking upstairs into my bedroom when I was dressing) and refused to hand his keys over because his name was still on the mortgage. If your ex won't play nice then lots of people on here have suggested a separate email you only use for contacting him and block all other forms of communication (ie WhatsApp, Messenger, text etc) and be strict about only making arrangements by email. This will also help you as it gives a paper trail of your communications so he can't say you didn't tell him something important and you have evidence if he used it to abuse you.

With difficulty is my experience so far. Wants to know what dc are doing all the time, what I am doing . What kids ate. Where we went ? Did kids behave? Why did i remove an electronic device from dc as a consequence for inappropriate behaviour without discussing with him first? I could go on and on with examples.

I am divorced from him now and we do not live together and have not for some time and yet sometimes does not feel like it. Lockdown is making him more controlling as he spends lots of time thinking about stuff.

He was rude and abusive to me and dc yesterday. Abusive on phone to me today. At which point for the first time ever I had the courage to tell him i didnt have to put up with being spoken to like that any more and I hung up.

Take one day at a time. Go with your gut instincts. Keep a written record of the abuse.

No advice for you OP but in going through something very similar with my exp having become emotionally abusive towards our dd. Uses every opportunity he can to try and win me back and if I don't engage then becomes aggressive. All I can say is keep all your messages, make a diary of all abuse not via email or text and also to contact women's aid, they've been helpful even after I left exp.

Ultimately I don't think it is ever possible to co parent with people like our ex's.