AIBU to not let DD go to her dads?

[Cb2020]

Since the beginning of lockdown DD has been practically shielding at home with myself as I am 28 weeks pregnant, we do not visit other households, I do shopping online and we only go out for a walk every other day or so or in the back garden. Without going into too much detail, I have been separated from her dad since she was a baby and things have been pretty volatile in the past between us however we tolerate each other and can contact via text now for the sake of DD. Anyway, at the beginning he agreed with me it would be safer for me, DD, and my unborn child that she stays with me for the duration of lockdown and they keep in touch via FaceTime text phonecalls etc. He has made a couple comments now about when she can come to his house and I do empathise with him, and his mum and siblings who he lives with, how hard this must be. Should I allow DD to start going back up there? I don’t really feel confident in doing so as I’m petrified she would bring anything back and something would happen to the baby. Must also point out, last week when we had lovely weather DD FaceTimed him and sounded like a party! When I asked DD about it she listed umpteen names who were in attendance who certainly don’t live with them so can’t even trust that they’re sticking to the rules!!! Any advice appreciated as I know I’m not always right...

@Cb2020 I would've said don't let her before I even got t9 the last part. You're vulnerable and your baby I vulnerable. You should always prioritise your family's health/LIFE over anything else. But given the last part about him having people over as well, no way. Fuck him.

I def let him go, 6wks (or maybe more) with out contact is a lot. But you can say that he must do social distancing/stick to the rules.

You don’t need to shield purely because of pregnancy unless there is anything else underlying. I think you should facilitate contact, just reinforce that you expect you ex to follow the rules 👍🏻

I think now is a good point to be reintroducing contact. You can’t keep them apart long term

I don’t have any underlying conditions which say I have to shield. However, I also worry there isn’t enough known about the effects the virus can have on pregnant women or their unborn babies, no evidence doesn’t mean no risk. So it has increased my anxiety massively and I have been strictly socially distancing (shielding was probably the wrong terminology, apologies). Also, Women over 28 weeks are being advised by rcog It’s of even more importance to abide by social distancing rules due to risk of delivering pre term (DD was 5 weeks premature therefor risk increases by a further 18%). Also it is respiratory and baby already puts a lot of pressure on your lungs etc...Anyway, my point being I know him and his family aren’t abiding by the laws to socially distance, so that worries me that DD could contract the virus from them and pass it on to myself putting both me and my unborn child at risk, or indeed DD. Can I also point out, I had said that him and his mum could visit as long as they stood out in the garden and they haven’t bothered to do this so far lol. I’m a mental health nurse and have a particular interest in children’s mental health and believe me it is a massive worry for me the impact this could be having on DD which is why I actively encourage her to call and FaceTime regularly, however at the end of the day it is life or death with this virus, id much rather time spent repairing relationships than having to bury my child.

I'd let her see her dad.

With no restrictions or anything? Would you allow overnights?

I’m in a similar position and honestly don’t know what to do. I have also been shielding, online food shop etc and been doing FaceTime call. My dc is only 1.5 and has next to no prior relationship with their dad. Dad is now wanting contact to start up again and I’m so worried. Like your ex he hasn’t been social distancing and has been living his life like normal the whole of lockdown. Why do I have to risk mine and my child’s life to facilitate contact??

How long do you think this situation is going to be around. 6 months. 12 months??

I do appreciate your concerns but think you should maybe let him take her for picnic or the park with a ball for a few hours.

Clean clothes and shower as soon as she is back.

You need to manage this risk as best you can. It isn't going to go away.

Good luck for the new baby.

So he can stand in the gaden whilst she is in the house? (at yours but not his?). TBH i wouldn.t be happy with that either.

Does he have parental responsibility? If so, you really can’t keep him from seeing her. Your DD deserves a relationship with her dad. That needs to be your priority.

You can’t control what he does. You can control what you do. So allow your DD to see her dad but get her to wash her hands as soon as she comes back and change her clothes, make sure that there is the minimum of stuff passing between both households.

I think you have to be realistic. Nobody wants to get the virus. But you are not in the sheilding category and some semblance of normal life will have to resume at some point. The virus isn’t going away anytime soon so you have to work out ways to cope with the risk.

I don’t think you’re over reacting. Until the transmission rate comes down and effective testing is in place I think you’re doing the best thing to keep you three safe. If he wants to see her couldn’t they FaceTime or go for a socially distanced walk with you on yours? You and your unborn’s safety is the most important thing right now and clearly if he can’t see that he isn’t safe for your daughter to be around. Especially as he isn’t following government rules on social distancing! Stay strong.