How to end this mental torture

[isaterror]

With narcissist for 11 years. Not married. Have 9 year old daughter. Left him 5 years ago. 50/50 child arrangement order in place which he stocks to.

5 years after split he still bullies me, tries to control my life and manipulate me. Constantly criticises and demeans me in various ways, never takes any notice of anything I say or suggest and is basically the biggest c*/most unreasonable wanker that ever walked this earth. I regret the day that I ever laid eyes on him and he is making my life an utter misery. My friends say he’s still bitter because I left him and is just trying to get at me. I’ve tried everything under the sun to try to get him to leave me alone, from ignoring him to reporting him to the police for harassment. He’s very clever and never actually breaks the law as when it comes to domestic abuse - particularly emotional m - its a very high threshold and is hard to prove unless it’s extreme.

What can I do to finally break free??? I feel like it’s never going to end and I can’t take it for the rest of my life. Feel like I’m going to burst with excruciating frustration.

Any helpers?

Look ahead to the time that your dd is old enough that you have no need to have any contact with him at all. She’ll be in secondary school before you know it and that time will pass quicker than you think as well, and eventually, you won’t have to deal with him. You will be free naturally in the end.

Until then, it’s about how you cope. Try to adjust your expectations of him and let go of hope that he will be reasonable. You can’t change him, all you can do is change your reaction to him.

Thanks nailsneeddoing, you’re right it is all about coping, it just feels so utterly shit. How can someone I chose not to be with so long ago still throw their weight around and be a total prick but I can’t do anything to stop it? I’m powerless. I gave up any hope when it comes to him being reasonable a long time ago. It’s just all feels so wrong and unfair. He’s like a vampire slowly draining every drop of hope, spirit, energy, life or bit of enthusiasm out of me. I just don’t know what will be left by the time she leaves school. But thank you!

Your power is in your ability to keep control of you. It is wrong and unfair but he can only drain your hope, spirit, life and enthusiasm out of you if you allow him to. You have to keep going, but you can do this!

Thank you. Guess I just don’t know where to start in building back up my defences xx

Please look up grey rock. It is one of the best techniques I have come across.

Thanks fenlandMountainrescue I will 👍

Have you done the Freedom Programme OP?

Hi, thanks strawberryjam200, no I haven’t. Where can I find out more?

Here:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You can read the book, Living with the Dominator, online for free I think. And do the course online too. Normally I'd say it's much better face to face, don't know if anyone's doing it by videoconference at the moment.

You will find it really helpful, all participants do I think.

Thanks strawberryJam200 I’ll look it up

The Lundy Bancroft books - why does he do that? And the daily wisdom book by same author, along with the freedom programme, are really helpful. Hand hold xxx

Thank you drunkenflamingo2 😊handhold right back at you x