How to get over anger at ex for lack of support with the kids

[notjustamother]

I am completely expecting to be told to just get over it and believe me I am trying but the lack of support financially, time wise and emotionally with the kids is driving me mad and with lockdown I am struggling.

I have four kids, ex pays under £50 a month for all 4 due to working self employed, since lockdown contact with the kids actually decreased as he's been doing even more illegitimate cash in hand work. The kids therefore go 4 days at a time without seeing him and with lockdown they are struggling with it they've been really emotional, daughter has been crying nearly every night last week for him. Eldest asked to see him last week and he kept saying no then changed the contact last minute twice therefore letting the kids down.

He doesn't want the kids to go back to school but refuses to have them in the weekdays as he's working and I just feel the kids are loosing time with him and they aren't even getting a benefit from it. I am homeschooling 3 kids on a iPad and I think if he paid maintenance I could of got a cheap laptop, I am struggling and going without so they have everything they need and he keeps sending me messages putting me down about not working full time but I'm stuck because childcare is so expensive and he wouldn't contribute at all.

I feel trapped, I am doing all the hard work the homeschooling whilst trying to work from home (not full time albeit), deal with the kids emotional states, run a house and I'm not coping at all. It's almost a year since he left and I feel like things should be easier by now? I just feel so disappointed in him, he was always a hands on dad, I feel annoyed at myself for having kids with him, I came from a broken family and I didn't want that for my children knowing the struggles it brings, I would never get back with him but I just feel so much anger at the whole situation because it's not how I thought things would be.

Hi are none of your ex’s earning through HMRC? It’s totally unacceptable what’s he’s paying for 4 kids. You need to be firm and set some ground rules. Children need consistency and stability. I would make it clear that he needs to pay a decent amount per month (direct debit in place). Also set days for the children would need to be put in place. If he continues to cancel or let the kids down to the point where your kids are upset is it really worth it? I personally wouldn’t let my child go.

There’s little you can do about the ex. As PP said, set him days/times and follow up with CSA but you can’t rely on him for anything.

Can you speak to the school? Could they lend you a laptop or another iPad to help with the kids learning - I thought there was some additional support for families that need support to get online. It’s great that there are so many online resources but it’s tricky when sharing between 3.

I don’t know what the answer is as I still feel anger towards mine, i have 4 also and my ex doesn’t see them at all (hasn’t in 3 years) also doesn’t pay a penny. So could be worse

TBH I would shop to HMRC, and ignore his opinion on whether they return to school or not

It comes in time. My ex earns over £5k a month. He has dodged cms and now is a contractor, so self employed. I haven't seen a penny in nearly 2 years now.

He can also go up to ten weeks and not see or contact the children. I tolerate no chopping and changing as he was letting them down and always late so we would be sat around the children hopes raised and then he be caught in traffic etc. So he has every other weekend available to him. If he is a no show he misses out until next time.

The children have adapted. The eldest went no contact last year.

The money makes me angry. The children could have a much better quality of life. I am grateful we have a roof over our heads. Enough to eat and cloth the children. My family help out with uniforms. Shoes and birthdays etc. They shouldn't have too though. Their father should provide something to meet their needs. He chooses not too. I can't do anymore.

But I can look my children in the eye and know I have done my best for them. I don't bad mouth their dad but when they ask for expensive days out etc I explain that maybe dad would take them as I pay for things day to day and don't have any money left.

It's three years this summer since he left. And I can finally say I don't care now. It has taken a lot of heart ache. But the children and I have a happy life and he is missing out. The children will see your ex for what he is. Just hold your head high and know you are doing all you can in these difficult times.

@unicornsarereal72 have you requested a variation to be done as his lifestyle does not match declared income? I believe they get 3 years worth of accounts from HMRC.

@RandomMess Thank you. I have a court order for collection but he is currently not working. He works for a few months. Avoids paying tax and goes under radar for a few months. He is about to start work again so need to get on it again but CMS aren't dealing with these things at this current time. It is exhausting but I'm not giving up.

I hope this will catch up with him eventually.