At wits end with ex after police and social now involved!

[Daddycool1987]

Hi there, I’m new here posting but I’ve always looked on here in the past for advice. Yes I’m a daddy if I’m allowed on here, to a 10 year old girl and 11 year old boy and I really need some help with my situation, as my family are only biased to me and I need a level headed view. (Sorry it’s long one)

I split up with my ex in November last year. I won’t go into too much detail but she finished with me and kicked me out after 11 years because she wanted something new. Luckily my nan lives nearby and took me in while I look for my own place (I work full time about 1100 a month so it’s difficult finding affordable housing that will have room for my children too). Though I have brought beds for both kids so they can stay here.

I found out shortly after we split up that she had begun a new relationship. He has his own place and is 6 years younger than her but jobless (I am 32 and she is 33). She introduced the children to him straight away anyway. We arranged between ourselves that I would have my children 3 nights and her 4 nights and I would pay her childcare based on this arrangement, which is fine.

Since the agreement I constantly find it hard to arrange the days I have my kids. She hardly texts back and tells me on the day. Not only that but when I have them and they are supposed to be going back I get told at half 5 that they can stay with me. She sends them first thing and doesn’t want them back til last thing.

I love having my kids, I would have them everyday if I could however it seems lately I’m having them 4 days most weeks which means I should be the main carer! When I threatened to call the authorities about this she texted the kids directly and said to them that I don’t want them to see her anymore.

However the last weeks events have left me shocked. I know she’s always had trouble with drink and gets drunk too quick. I was called at 4:00am by the police and asked if I could have my children. Her new bf had called them because he was threatening to kill himself. My daughter had witnessed them both drunk out of their face and seen him push her into a sideboard. She had even hidden a knife that was out on the floor in case one of them used it. They both arrived to me at half four in the morning with tears streaming down their faces.

The following day I was contacted by child protective services. They told me they didn’t really want the children around my exes new partner. They said he had a history of domestic violence and mental illness. My ex wasn’t apologetic at all. She said that the only thing that was affected was my sleep. She wasn’t drunk at all and she doesn’t know why the police took the children and “she fell” when my daughter saw her pushed and screamed.

I’ve since learned that it’s up to me wether they can see him again. I’ve told my ex that she has one more chance. I asked the kids wether they wanted to see him again and they said they did.

I just don’t know if I’ve made the right decision. I’m concerned for what my kids are witnessing when they are both drunk but I don’t want to be painted as the bad guy for banning them from seeing him.

I’m also worried about them covering for her. I’ve since learned she took my daughter to butlins while my son was away at PGL and lied to me about it the week before lockdown, claiming she had corona virus symptoms and even got her to fake it on the phone to me. I don’t want to take their mum away from them but I don’t know what to do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and I will fill in any details needed

Who's the him you sometimes refer to? The boyfriend? If so, remove him he's irrelevant.

I would suggest supervised contact at a centre initially. It's clear that she isn't currently willing or able to take appropriate care of them. Take it from there and make decisions based on how she is at each stage.

Social services said not to send the kids to her, so don't. She can see them via zoom during lockdown and at hers when she's single.
Tell the kids he isn't a safe person so they can't go to Mum's while she's with him.

Go to court, get it picked by court order that you are primary carer.

If I were you, I would not be sending the children back there. I would be maintaining a level of separation. I would be explaining to the children that because of what happened that grown ups have spoken and they are not to go live there for a little while. I would reassure them that whenever they feel like they want to video call their mum or ring her that they can and remind them that if something is said that makes them feel uncomfortable (like mum saying things about you) then remind them that it is important to tell you so you can talk to them about it. Tell both your ex and your children that you dont plan on this being a permanent arrangement but tell your ex that social have told you that your children should not be around the boyfriend and that your decision has been made alongside them for your children's safety. Give your ex the time to change her ways and realise if she wants to see the children then she needs to cooperate. Social will be able to advise you on a good and proper course of action.

If the mother is not putting their needs first then she shouldn't have them, they are clearly in an unsafe environment if they were brought to you by the police, why would you then give her a chance? There's no way I would send my kids somewhere if the police have taken them out of a situation, and social have called and advised against sending them.

If you don't protect and safeguard the children as per social service's advice, they will be more involved and potentially think the children should be with neither of you if neither of you protect them from her bf.
Stop returning to the ex.
Email, stating that you're following the advice of ss and that Contact will not involve the presence of the bf. If she is able to guarantee he will not be present, it can resume. If not, then it will need to be supervised Contact for the children's best I terests, not to be subjected to domestic violence.

Police and SS are involved but it’s your decision whether they continue to see a violent new partner?
Bollocks.

As above. Keep the children with you. Go to court.

You have to follow the advise from social services. If they've told you the children aren't to be around the bf then you have to follow through with it. If you don't then you will also be accused of not protecting the children

It's clearly an unsafe household. You have to as the adult and parent make unpopular decisions and follow through

I am a social worker (with adults) and I have been through the family court system personally.
Social services will want to see that you are protecting your children, there is no court order so you are not obliged to send them for contact.
You need to keep them with you, full time, until mum agrees that they will not be around her partner. I would consider if their contact can be supervised, if not, I would offer regular indirect contact (FaceTime) until you have a court date, you really should be applying to court. Keep in contact with children’s services and check they are happy with this plan or whether they would like you To put any additional safeguards in place.
You should not be sending them back to that house for contCt until you are satisfied that there is no risk of harm.

She is not acting protectively, and at the moment, neither are you. You have been advised that the children should not be having contact with the new boyfriend and if you don't follow this advice you are risking your children being subject to further Children's Services involvement.

If SS are involved you need to work with them and follow their advice. If this means they cannot see their mother at her home because her abusive partner is still there then so be it, they stay with you. Do what is best for your children, always.

Follow the social workers advice to the letter. What the kids say is irrelevant, they're kids. They don't know about staying safe and what's best for them.

If I were you I'd be pushing for full residency and supervised contact for the mother who clearly can't put their needs first.

If you go against ss advice or those children come to any harm due to the decisions you've made then neither of you will have them.

I will warn you that you need to take the kids interests into consideration by doing whatever SS suggests or you could end up losing your kids too.

Keep them with

I asked the kids wether they wanted to see him again and they said they did.
Dont make the children responsible for whether they have contact with someone the police and social services have said to have no contact with.

Are your children still spending time with the violent boyfriend? If you’re still sending them back there and they witness another violent incident, then you could have them taken off you too for failing to protect them. As for contact with the mother, I’d only allow a couple hours at a time, and not at her house. Either she comes to you and you supervise, or she can take them out for a couple hours. I wouldn’t give her the opportunity to drink around them or have the boyfriend around them

And yeh, you don’t give children that age the option. YOU’RE the adult, it’s up to you to make the decisions and protect them. Don’t put the responsibility on the children

You seem to have decided it was just a one off, will never happen again and it's all okay. Whilst it's easy to want that to be the case, ask yourself, what's changed?

Nothing

A violent man with a history of violence against women hurt your ex and your kids. Make no mistake emotional hurt is as bad as physical.

Instead of telling the police to lock him up, prosecute him and tell him to stay the he'll away from her family she lied to protect him. She put him before her kids safety. What does that tell you? It's probably happened before, she is willing to allow it not to lose this man, she is unable to keep your kids safe.

Pp are right. Allow your kids unsupervised contact with this pair and next time (and there will be a next time. Blokes like him do it change without intensive intervention and even then often not) you will lose your kids because you knew the risks and utterly failed to protect them.

It sounds like you're in shock and minimising. It might help if you asked the police if they could do a full disclosure and walk you through this guy's history to open your eyes fully. And believe me whatever they tell you will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be stuff they know that they can't disclose and yet more that they are unaware of.

Please take advice and get formal, court ordered custody of your kids. And get this arsehole out of your kids lives.

Why aren't you protecting your kids?

The children are too young to decide if they want to see him again.

They would say ‘yes’ for fear of upsetting their Mum.

If Child Protection consider him to have a history of violence and MH problems which are not compatible with being around kids, then take that seriously.

Also, given your exes relationship with alcohol she cannot be relied upon to protect them from him.

How frightening and disturbing for a 10 yo girl to have to move a knife.

Tell the person from Social Srrvices that you want to keep the kids with you. Talk about ways for them to see their Mum but not this man.

When I was younger my mum had a few different boyfriends that were abusive and they would drink all day and I had to witness it. At the time I told my dad only dribs and drabs of the situation because I was scared of the implications but have always looked back and wished I told my dad and he had took me out of the situation. It’s such a difficult dilemma and you can only do what you think is best but now as a mother of two and if it were to happen now I would stop contact with the children and her partner. It only took the once for me to try and protect my mum when she was being hit for him to turn on me.

Do not agree to the children seeing her boyfriend social services will not be happy if you have allowed contact with him he sounds dangerous

You must protect your children first and foremost. You cannot allow them to go back and stay there unsupervised. Follow the advice of the experts but do also speak to a solicitor. Speak to a few before making a choice, but what you do next is so important. You must listen to social services and the police. They wouldn’t give this advice lightly. Good luck.