Ex has been discussing child proceedings case with daughter

[Swankyhanky]

Like many other parents I’ve read on here, they’ve been stopped seeing their child during the pandemic unfairly. I can confirm there’s no one shielding in either of our homes, contact involves a 20 minute drive between houses and we are both working from home. Through my solicitor I’ve applied for enforcement to re start normal contact. Am mortified to find out during a phone call with our daughter who is 10 that my ex has discussed the enforcement with her and as a result or daughter has been saying she’s ok with not seeing me etc. I can’t contact my solicitor til Monday to find out for sure but I was under the impression we aren’t supposed to discuss child proceedings cases or the court orders with our children unless the judge grants it? To protect the children from being involved in conflict??

At her age, I'd be expect there to be a conversation. After all, she'll be wondering why she's not seeing her other parent. What gave you told her about why she's not seeing you?
The courts will enforce the order unless there's another reason not to.

The other parent has said she’s not seeing me because it’s too risky re. Coronavirus. I’ve not discussed it with our daughter til she mentioned the court case because I’d rather she wasn’t aware me and her resident parent are basically arguing over her contact. When daughter mentioned court case I just said well we might be in a form of lockdown for a while and I miss you and as long as we are all being safe it’s ok to see each other.
I’m just a bit gutted how the resident parent has basically made me out to be a bad person, telling daughter I’m taking daughters resident parent to court

It’s not the first time ex has done this either - ex moved back to where I live and as a result daughter attends the school 5 mins walk away from my house. I suggested to ex that daughter can have Sunday overnights too as well as Saturdays and I would take her to school Monday morning. Mediator also thought it was a reasonable suggestion (attended MiAM just before schools shut, ex refused mediation). Ex scared daughter off the idea by telling her it would mean a role reversal, that daughter would live with me full time and only see her other parent every other weekend. Am very disappointed in my ex for manipulating our child. But that’s why ex is my ex!

I'm assuming that you have a court order for contact? If you've already applied to have this enforced, someone may already have spoken to, or afprraged to speak to your DD anyway, which may be why your ex has discussed it with her. If that's the case, then your DD may well tell them that her parent has said incorrect stuff about her not being able to see you during the pandemic. That could work in your favour.
I think it's important that your DD knows you want to see her and are prepared to go to court to do so, otherwise her other parent may well be making it seem like you're not bothered about her.

Yes we have an order for contact, and the judge has not ordered for anyone to speak to our daughter with regards to the enforcement (we’ve had the paperwork back). I will be having a CAFCASS telephone interview so I will mention it to them so they’re aware if they do speak to our daughter the resident parent has been discussing the case with her already.
I totally agree and our daughter does know I want to see her but I would have preferred her to not know the court is involved. I don’t trust my ex to phrase it in an appropriate way (e.g mum and dad can’t agree on what should happen during this time so a judge is going to help us) from what daughter said it’s quite clear ex has painted me in a bad light. I never badmouth my ex though. I wouldn’t dream of telling our daughter her resident parent is wrong and shouldn’t be keeping her there, I don’t want our daughter to feel she has to keep sides I just want her to be happy especially as she isn’t seeing her friends at this time.

I think it’s fine for divorced parents to have transparency with children regarding their residency when they are that age. They have a right to know what is going on in regards for who they stay with and when.

Given what you wrote about limiting him to weekends only, and his worry about that shrinking even further to every other weekend, he may be concerned about alienation.

Your DD has said she is happy to stay with her dad for the rest of lockdown. So I’d just leave it. She’s probably enjoying the extra time with him. Maybe weekends only are not enough for her? Maybe it’s time to consider 50/50? Or some other contact arrangement?

She is at an age where she should have a say and input into it. It’s no longer just you and him fighting over her.

@PlanDeRaccordement sorry if it wasn’t clear it’s the resident parent who is currently preventing contact with me the non resident parent. And I am concerned about alienation particularly as prior to lockdown daughter very much enjoyed seeing me and enjoyed regular contact, and had done for the last 7 years. It’s out of character for her to decide she’s happy not seeing me and I believe but have no tangible evidence that it’s a result of her resident parent manipulating her. I agree that at her age it is reasonable to include her in discussions about her contact but the way the resident parent has gone about it is inappropriate in my opinion.

I hope you get contact resumed

It's tough at the moment but my understanding is the courts are still working and in this situation you can apply for interventioned from the courts. You'd need to talk to a solicitor of course to confirm.

I think it definitely sounds like alienation if your ex is saying you are taking her to court to get DD to live with you. That conversation shouldn't be happening in that way and obviously is putting DD in the middle of the dispute and causing her to pick sides.

I think others who are saying the conversation should happen need to take into account how it's happening. You can discuss Daddy wanting more time with DD without saying Daddy is taking Mummy to court.

I hope things get sorted out, i'd recommend talking to a lawyer and potentially getting a letter sent from a lawyer to try and scare her in to continuing the court order as it should be followed.

@WitchWindows I get what you're saying but I think it's fine for him to say that. Otherwise DD is going to feel like she is wrong for seeing her dad when contact does start back up and in the meantime mum is going to say DD has decided she doesn't want to see dad at the moment.

It's just tough all around though, because like you say now DD is in the middle. This is good for nobody. It's such a shame that this pandemic has brought out the worst in some parents.

Oh sorry OP. I misunderstood and thought you were resident parent.
Since you are the nonresident, then yes I absolutely agree if I were you I’d worry about alienation. My opinion is the same in that regard, just swap “him” for “you” especially since you have added that it is out of character for your DD. You definitely have good reason to ask for more contact with her.
Since you can’t trust your ex to portray any court proceedings without bias, it will just have to be you telling your side of story to DD and him telling his. It’s hard on children, but she is 10 and at an age where she can form her own views and opinions. She will be able to tell who is being fair and who is not. (I think this as a child of divorce).
No matter what your ex says about the court proceedings, your DD will see it as you wanting her and wanting to be a mother to her. It’s in your favour for her to know you “started” the court proceedings.

Or father to her. I have just realised I don’t know if you are a mother or a father. Doesn’t change my opinion though!