When your child doesn't want to live between houses

[COS2102]

WWYD?

8 year old boy living between mum and dad's house equally but always making a point of saying that he only wants to live at one of those homes. Both parents aware of this but talking about it a lot at the moment in the household which he wants to live. Saying that the other house is nasty to him about the parent and step-parent, and shouts in his ear when they arent happy with him. Also saying that when he feels like he needs 5 minutes to calm down from a disagreement that he isn't given space to do so. Apparently his parent follows him around the house when he says he needs 5 minutes. He has also been saying things like 'there's nothing for me there' and 'I'm just never happy when I'm there'. This preference over houses has been going on long before lockdown but has potentially been intensified because of lockdown and spending more time with the other parent due to no school.

I haven't disclosed which parent is which as I know that sometimes if I am Mum that I'd get different opinions to if I am Dad and I just really want neutral comments, not biased ones.

Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

@COS2102
Thanks. Who knew parenting an 8yo could be so tricky! I'm sure i will get told when he is an adult all the things I have done wrong as a parent
Good luck to us all!

There are a few things I am questioning - is your house the Disney house- gets what they want less rules - hw not done ?

I ask this as it seems Ds seems to behave very differently at your home.

Is the other parent then constantly hearing other parent doesn’t do this , doesn’t make me do that? Does he say if he doesn’t get own way we’ll I’ll go and live at other home ?

Other question does he say negative things about you to Other parent.

A pp suggested independent - the reason for this is so Ds doesn’t have bro concern themselves how other parent feels- a space to simply talk about how he feels .

My other feeling those is there are lots of clues something is very wrong there. You need to keep a diary of what is going on.

How was parenting in the past ? I think you need to start creating a paper trail , in the past few posts we have had 3 incidents mentioned of large concern - tjis should not be ignored - children are more vulnerable currently

This sounds quite worrying to me, being shouted up and having a bruise from being pushed/held in a chair sounds abusive. Has this been raised with the parent? I don’t really think the naughty chair is appropriate for that age either to be fair. It sounds like that parent is struggling to manage the child’s needs.

I Have known 2 children who had 50/50 arrangements between parents. Now this has come up I realise they were both 9/10 ish when that was changed. They got fed up of going back and forth constantly and both switched to have one main home and a parent they visited very other weekend and odd week days.

I’d listen to the child and maybe try to start a conversation with the other parent about how to address the issues. You can’t have a child being bruised and screamed at. Maybe going back to mediation to look at altering the agreement you made previously in light of the previous circumstances.

I’d be keeping record of this too in case you do end up needing evidence for court.

The disney home is something we talk about, as adults...not with the child, quite regularly. It's crazy because it's actually the other home which should be the Disney home where he feels he gets away with more stuff etc. It is only at our house that homework gets done, during homeschooling he is doing some school work at his other home but not all of it and we play catch up when he returns here. Rules are consistent and enforced here. At his other home he regularly has late nights, avoids doing school work, gets presents bought frequently....
That isnt to say he doesnt have a lot here, he has electronics which there are rules around, he goes on holiday every year and normally more than one time per year, he has tonnes of toys bought by family at birthdays and christmases and we do give him attention when he wants it. Not a disney home here though.
Discussions have now be re-read with the other parent. The use of 'physical discipline'has been addressed and advice has been given on how things are dealt with here so they can try and do the same thing there to avoid things spiraling and to regain respect that they feel the child doesnt have for them. It has been mentioned that our child needs listened to more, not that he becomes a decision maker but we need to hear his views and act on them where we can. This has all been on and off for many years now but mainly on. I feel that it has gone on longer than I have been aware due to the comments made by the other parent in our conversation at the weekend. I kept a record of things years ago when things were particularly rough and the most recent occurrence has been logged with nspcc and I have a referral number if something else is to happen so they can get the details back up and add to them if we need to take things further.
Like I've said before, it's very hard to get a full picture from these online forums, something which I have found by posting here (this is my first time on here) and I understand that it can be hard to give me the best advice but I appreciate those who are trying to provide helpful information.

Firstly good luck, this does not sound like a smooth path to a solution.

First sounds like the asthenosphere at one of the homes is downright intimidating with shouting and invasion of personal space, if you would not do that to another adult you respect, would would this behaviour towards a child not being challenged ?

Seconds, I think to some degree a preference always develops. Nobody wants to live life 50%here and 50% there, it’s not a good lifestyle, little people need to lay down roots and I can not see how that would work if there is discord between the parents.

We are experiencing a preference at the moment and the way we are coping with it is we allow the other parent to visit freely the preference house (under normal circumstances) and I realise this is not always desirable but it’s about making the child is able to see both parents and be happy in one place.

Give the little one a break. Take it to mediation and have a trial period of doing things differently.