Struggling with accepting i am a single mum

[chaearl]

Hello,

I hope you’re all well.
I have looked on threads before for advice through other people’s posts but never actually wrote myself.
I am a single mum of a 20 month old boy. His dad and I separated in January and we moved out end of feb.
The relationship was pretty toxic and he at times would be emotionally abusive. He has a lot of great things about him and we’ve shared some amazing times. His mum is a narcissist and I think that’s not helped with the way he is, she treated me awfully for the 4 years we were together to the point I nearly had a break down.. combined with the lack of support from my ex.
Since the spilt I also found out he got a girls number when we were together so on top of everything I just feel betrayed.
I know rationally the spilt is the best decision and in the long term I will be ok but the pain and grief I am experiencing is so overwhelming.
My ex was suppose to see our son on Sunday and when I called him half hour before he was due to pick him up he was still in bed hungover and said he wouldn’t be able to come for another 2 hours.
I think a lot of this is triggering my own anxieties, my mum and dad separated when I was a baby and he hasn’t been in my life since. I know that won’t happen with my sons dad but I just feel so upset.
This isn’t what I wanted for mine or my sons life. Having come from a broken family with lots of heartbreak over the years I didn’t want that for my son. Growing up I always wanted a family of my own.
I suppose I have to take some responsibility as I saw lots of red flags with my ex with the way he and his family treated me yet I still ended up pregnant.
I guess I am just posting to ask for those of you who struggled at first, how long did it take to feel better? I guess it’s good I am feeling this way it shows I am allowing myself to grieve and hopefully be better in the long term.
My ex won’t talk to me after sunday he said it’s none of my business if he gets drunk and stays up late and I agree but he then didn’t see his son so I think I had a right to be angry?
He’s already told me he’s on dating websites too, I just feel he never cared about me and is already moving on while I am trying my best to grieve while looking after our soon by myself. I think lockdown is making this harder as I can’t see any of my friends.
Thank you xxx

This isn’t what I wanted for mine or my sons life. Having come from a broken family with lots of heartbreak over the years I didn’t want that for my son. Growing up I always wanted a family of my own.

Your family isn’t broken, it is a family of your own, and it will all be fine. It’s just different from what you were picturing. You’ll honestly get used to it, and it’s better that it’s happened now before the toxicity escalated and before your DS is old enough to remember it.

The thing at the moment is you probably have more thinking time than the average lone mum to a toddler because of lockdown, although I’m sure you’re still busy. But you’ll get busier, and life will move on and your DS will be perfectly happy.

Just try to the the CM you are due, because finances are the thing that really disadvantage single mums. He should pay.

Good luck

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've made a tough move, it will be hard but your still getting used to it all. Plus all the covid stuff going on.

You do need to start separating what he's doing and your life. Why did you call him half an hour before? Did you think he would be likely to not turn up?

Hiya, I was in a similar circumstance 20 years ago with my Dd. Here's what I learned.

1. You are enough. The dad may be an utter useless prick ( and my DDs was) but you are enough to override this and love this child and make his life secure and comfortable.
2. Being single is FAB. you are in charge and you are free. Especially sweet when you've been with an abuser for a while.
3. When the time is right, you will fall in love again. Decent men are not put off by the presence of a child.

You've got this xx

I am very impressed that you know about grieving process after break up.
If you google you can find number of articles about.
One of the best is: divorcemag.com/articles/stages-of-grief-during-and-after-divorce
Or just Google: stages of grief after divorce.

For me it was approximately a year. Longest stage was the guilt. But you can learn it was not your fault. Another person made it impossible for you to carry on.
Hugs from me!

Single parents aren't a broken family that is just a way some in society perceive as a way of implying women aren't enough on their own. It comes from a misogynist viewpoint.

I didn’t say single parents are broken families I said I came from one I didn’t state why

I am going through a similar thing at the moment, made all the harder due to lockdown and the sense of aloneness that brings with it as a single parent. The fact that you are even thinking about making a different go of things for your son just shows you that it will be different for him and history will not be repeating itself. It’s not within your control to fix a relationship with someone like that, but you are in control of what you choose to do with your child and how you want to raise him and show him love. Things will be up and down - as with grieving - but you will get through it and you will have learnt so much about what is and is not healthy in a relationship to take into your next one. Like Cupo Teap says, be kind to yourself. You are enough and you will do the best job you will do. Take care.

I know your pain and its horrific...we love them so much and yet they cant seem to return it..if my ex had loved me and respected me even half as much as he did his mother I wouldve been happy...I dont have much advice just wanted to reply and let you know your not alone

Hi OP you haven’t split up that long ago and your child is still so young. Parenting is difficult but you will get through this tough time I know when children are small it seems like they will be little forever. It soon flys by though try and focus on positive things in your life and your Son you can still be a family even though you have split up it’s just more difficult. Also you may meet someone else one day. Do you get family support? Are your friends local for support?. Does your ex pay child maintenance? I would set out regular days and times for your Son to be picked up and collected. If your ex fails to do so there’s not a lot you can do. I wouldn’t call him if he doesn’t stick to the arrangement I would just make your own back up plans and go and enjoy your day with your child.

I completely understand. I have two kids and I'm a year down the line. He's in the family home while I'm renting with the kids. My decision but I feel like nothing has changed for him and for me everything has. I did end it as was also toxic but I suppose I resent him because of the way he was and gave me no choice but to leave and I feel angry about the disruption to my kids and feel like I've robbed them of a family unit. But I wanted them to have a healthy upbringing free from a toxic marriage. I really struggle some days and lockdown has been so hard. I think in another year we will wonder how we got through it. You're not alone!! I'm considering therapy to come to terms with things and just try to keep working on myself. Sadly there is a transitional period involved after a breakup and we have to process things. We can't just click our fingers and expect everything to be perfect straight away but I feel like I can be short tempered and angry and I try and make things from the kids. And then when I do get a lottle break from them I worry about them and feel guilty and just wonder if it will feel like this forever. My ex tries to change the days this week to suit him and I stood my ground and said If he did that he wouldn't see them at all. Some days I feel like it take days all my strength and he sucks it from me while I try and be strung for the kids and I hate him. I feel at breaking point some times. Then other days I feel capable and strong. I wish you well. It's so hard. Harder than I ever thought but at least we are trying to break the cycle for our kids. Sending love

OP, - it can be very hard (especially when you're starting the learning curve of single parenting and trying to heal from an abusive relationship).

First off, you and your son will be so much healthier and happier now you've split from your abuser. Don't lose sight of that.

Second, you've gained inestimable amounts of freedom. When I first embarked on single parenthood, my mum (who'd split up from her first marriage - I was the child of her second, happy marriage) listed all the good bits.

Being able to say "sod it, it's a nice day," pack a bag for the park/beach/where-ever and just go, without having to fit round someone who's got other plans (other plans which may have mysteriously appeared from nowhere, just to thwart your attempt to do something enjoyable).

Knowing you only have to pick up/clean/ cook for one person - your child - not child plus bloody useless man-child.

Having your house as a calm, quiet place you can both enjoy, not somewhere you have to tread on eggshells so as not to find yourself embroiled in a row (a row he'd have said he caused, even though in fact he'd engineered the situation very carefully to be damned if you do, damned if you don't).

I raised dd1 by myself for 15 years. It can get really lonely and very long nights. It took me a while to get back on my feet but I only started feeling better when I started investing in myself. I trained for a job I knew I’d really love and that gave me so much self esteem.

I know the pinch of pain when your little one is supposed to be getting picked up and they are late or don’t turn up.

The only thing I can recommend if you kill all those sad feelings as quick as you can. You are not a family unit anymore. It’s just you and him. Focus on that. You are not the only one. This happens all the time and relationships end, this is just the end of that chapter and you need to make the next one.

Dd1 and I are very close. We had a good life before I remarried, had lovely holidays and enjoyed each other. You will have a good life with your son don’t dwell on what could or should have been, focus on your future