Baby dad not on the scene - Advice/comments welcome

[HPLmummy]

I will try and keep this concise!
I am a single parent to a beautiful little boy, his dad isn't in the picture. He has made no attempt or effort to be in his life, except for one email he sent when DS was 4 months old asking if he could meet him on his own, when I replied asking if it was a flying visit or was he going to be a dad he just didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since.

A bit of background - we were in a relationship for 3 years and even spoke about having kids in the future, when I fell pregnant we were both shocked and scared but ultimately I couldn't go through with an abortion and it was the best decision of my life to have DS ❤️

ExP (DS's dad) however treated me awfully throughout the pregnancy and kept changing his mind about being a dad - one second he would be over the moon and elated to be a dad and the next he would scream at me to have an abortion saying I had ruined his life. This kept going on until I was 6 months pregnant, when he had disappeared out of the picture once again and said he needed to think about whether he wanted to be a dad - turned out he was actually cheating on me and going on holidays with another woman, spending money he owed me.

Anyway - fast forward to now and like I said he isn't in the picture, his family however are and I meet up with them regularly and we message. DS's grandma and grandad and auntie all want to be in DS's life and I have always made to effort to let them be in it. I meet with DS's auntie most weeks (prior to lockdown!) and it makes me happy knowing my son has a connection with his other side of the family. Since ExP rejected DS they have always been lovely to me and very "anti-ExP", and told me how ashamed and disappointed they are in him.

However, they seem to have all reconciled now and ExP's sister/DS's auntie has a little boy as well who is 3 months older than my son, so DS's cousin, who ExP gushes about and boasts about on social media. He will post pictures of him and statuses about how he loves him and how beautiful he is and how he misses him. I'm sorry but it sickens me! How can you be so besotted with another child when you have an innocent little boy of your own that you don't even bother with?

What upsets me more is when DS's auntie reacts to it and they all meet up and upload photos, like ExP is a loving uncle. It's as though they have completely forgotten what he has done to DS and that he is in fact his dad.

I also feel like they don't check up on DS half as much as they used to. In fact; I barely hear from any of them now, I have had one message from his Grandma since lockdown.

They know I am bringing up DS on my own, ExP has never offered a penny and owes me money from when we were in a relationship. If I didn't have my amazing mother/DS's nana, I wouldn't be able to cope both financially and in caring for him; she is an absolute god send she is mine and my son's world.

But I just feel he deserves so much better and deserves respect and loyalty from his other side of the family. They say they want to be in his life and that they love him but actions speak louder than words! I feel they have let him down by opening their arms to ExP again - ExP isn't a little vulnerable boy like their grandson/nephew - he is a 30 year old man who should be held accountable for his actions and told that he is a psychopath for acting so besotted with another little boy when he has one of his own!

Am I being completely unreasonable? I know I am probably getting myself more wound up about all this than i should and creating anxiety for myself but I just can't help but feel upset for my little boy, who will one day grow up to realise that his cousin's "favourite uncle" is in fact his dad, who doesn't even bother with him but loves his cousin to pieces. It breaks my heart that it one day but break his.
Truthfully, I am thankful I don't have to deal with ExP and he isn't in the picture, as I know he will only continue to let DS down throughout his life, but I just feel like his family (auntie/grandma/grandad) should be showing him more loyalty and need to realise he is going to grow up into a person with feelings.

Am I being crazy here? Does anybody have any opinions/experiences of there own like this?
Thank you so much if you have read up until now and thanks even more if you take the time to comment! I really appreciate it - these are lonely times with too much time to think!!! Xxx

• [Post edited by MNHQ to remove names]

I forgot to add that DS is 9 months old now!

If these are real names please have MN to remove them, pretty identifying

@JKScot4 oops sorry I am new to this - is there a way I can edit the post?

Back away from his family. Claim Cms today.

Report your post

Swipe the top post and click report.
So sorry your ex is being an arse. But seriously it's not worth wasting mental energy on - it's totally his loss.
One day you will meet someone who deserves to be in your son's life. Until then try and disengage as much as you can.
Take care

First of all, your becoming a bit too close to your ex partners family. Things will get messy, for you, if your ex introduces a new partner to your family or has a child with someone else. You may start to feel emotional left out.

Also they can say what they want about your ex but the end of it, that's still their uncle, son, nephew, brother or whoever. They will still keep in contact with him one way another even if they do not agree with his life choices (leaving the baby and the mother of his child).

At this early stage and everything that is going on, I would not be too pally pally with the family, I will keep visits to a minimum and refrain from being too emotionally attached to the family. They are of course welcome to see your DS, but keep the relationship between strictly between them, do not get yourself involved with them too much! No matter how nice the family is.

With the dad, there are a number of things that could be going on with him. He is probably scared and may come back soon, he could be a dick, he could be scared of his girlfriend finding out about the baby. In any case, I would advice that you stop wasting your time thinking about him, stop waiting around to see if he is going to become apart of DS life. Keep moving on and do you. Life keeps going and you have to keep moving. Right now, you have a good relationship with his family, so your DS knows his side of the family and hopefully he has your family and your friends.

Ahh ! Grammar is terrible and I can't even edit. Hopefully OP, you got the jist from my post?

Claim maintenance.

@Windyatthebeach @Dozer my ex isn't on the birth certificate so I didn't think I could claim maintenance! Or can I?? X

Yes you can, he doesn't need to be on the birth certificate for you to claim maintenance!!

This is sad to read. Try not to take it personal reguarding your Exp family that is the way it goes even when people have dated for years and split up. I agree with another poster that you should not get yourself over involved with his family at the end of the day their loyalties lie with your Exp.

I wouldn’t distance myself though I would still carry on as normal I think lockdown highlights everything and it’s a difficult time. I would of gone to CMS straight away set up an account online it will take a while but it’s a start. Don’t let him get away finically as well.

You can and must claim. Unless he agrees to dna testing to disprove he is assumed to be the df if you claim so.. I have previously had payments and my ex isn't on mine..

As other said he doesn’t need to be on bc the sooner claim starts from they don’t backdate.

As for his family they are his and will move on . Reality they will never be your family.

They are not the people you need to regularly rely on.

You will find your way. But your hurt is not theirs.

And just because he will be paying Cms does not give him access rights op
..
He can go to court for that...
Although doesn't seem likely.
His loss remember..
Your dc has you!! More than ample!?

Thank you so much for your comments @bluejelly @buildingbridge @Windyatthebeach @Starlightstarbright1 @Cherrybakewelll 😊
I think you are right that I should distance myself from the family, I have always wanted to do right by DS and know that I tried my best for him to have a relationship with his grandparents/auntie, especially as they empathised how much they want to be in his life as well.
We all live in the same small town and I don't want DS growing up walking past his own grandma in the street and not knowing who it is - I've experienced this myself and it's not very pleasant!
I lost my dad when I was 10 and have grown up with just my mum bringing me and my brothers up, my mum is still on her own so DS just has his nana, another reason why it would be nice for him to have a relationship with his other grandparents. I suppose I just wanted to feel content that DS has lots of people around him who love and care for him, in case anything ever happened to me.
Honestly - I really don't care about ExP and what he does with his life, I may have sounded in my original post like I am still hung up on him but I am not, that ship sailed a long time ago!! My heart only breaks (occasionally) for my little boy when I realise that this may hurt him in the future. I do my all by him though so know he will never want for nothing 🧡 I just wobble now and again!
We all live in the same small town and his father lingers around like a bad smell, he even moved literally around the corner from us 4 weeks ago! And he spreads rumours that it is ME who stops him from seeing DS. As he is clearly too ashamed to admit he rejected his own son. He is vermin.
Anyway - I'm rambling. I am seriously going to consider claiming CSA! Although I just don't know if I can be bothered with ExP rearing his ugly head 🙁
Thanks so much again x

I have said this before - I have never heard a dad who doesn’t see his kids say I don’t see my kids because I am a shit dad.

You have to remember, that if your son will be 30 and will have a son but he will act badly towards his son, he still is your son and you still love him.
That what parents do: they love their children unconditionally. Even if they are behaving badly.
Your exP is their son and they do love him as a son, even when they are angry with him. They are angry with him for not being a decent dad. They still love him being a good son and a proud uncle.
Yes, it hurts you and it's feels like: how he can love his sisters son and not yours(his)?
Men don't have parent instinct like mothers generally have. Men needs time to grow into their child. Your exP had lots of time with his sister and his son so he had chance to get fond of that baby. He never met his son ,so he has no chance to develop feelings.
Yes its his fault , he left.
But that explains how he is capable to love one baby and has no feelings for another one.
You also have to remember that when he is seeing his sister, people are happy around him and he feels good.
If he would visit his son, you insisting to be in present, but you two are not happy when you are in the same room. You won't welcome him with a smile and hugs 😂

Your DS's grandparents did not betray their grandson (your DS) if they allowing to show love to their other grandchild (your DS's cousin)
Your DS's grandparents should not hate their own son to be good grandparents for your son. Its unfair even to expect somethings like that. Remember: you would not hate your son because he did something wrong to another human bein. You will always love your son. They will always love their son.
If you are bitter then you can deny half of his family for your own son. Its your choice.

Good thing to do now would be - CMS now and no delays any more!

@Annaminna thanks for your comment 😊 I have to say though I am not angry or bitter about the relationship DS grandparents have with DS cousin - I am very fond of the little boy and happy that my little boy has a cousin he can grow up with. As for the relationship DS grandparents have with ExP - I wouldn't say I am "bitter" because it isn't something that affects me directly, it's more of a concern that I have for my son that if he continues to be in their life and grows up around them he will one day realise who his dad is and wonder why he doesn't care for him, but cares for his cousin? I guess my concern/question is what is best for my child's wellbeing in the long run. Is it a toxic situation for him to be in, to be around at his grandparents house (hypothetically) and his own father living in the garage, not wanting to see him? Am I setting my son up for heartbreak?
I just want what is best for my son 😔 x

What if you going to send your don there without staying there by yourself?
Your DS's cousin and his mum will be the trustful company and your DS can build relationship with his dad. Instead of heartbreak your DS will have happy memories with his dad and his cousin.
I know YOU want to be there. But think what do you want more: your son having time with dad or you having chance to show him what a d* he has been to you?

@Annaminna I don't know if you have misunderstood from the post but DS's father has no intention of being a dad to my little boy, and I for sure have never stopped him from being a dad or being in DS's life. So I think it is unfair for you to imply that I myself am breaking my son's heart for him not having happy memories with his father. I have tried my best for him to have as much of a relationship with his other side of the family as possible, but I am not going to beg and convince a 30 year old man to be a father to my son. My post/question was about DS's relationship with his grandparents/auntie and how it will impact him growing up, not a lecture about his father who I have no control over.
Thanks for your comment anyway.

I think maybe step back from social media a bit, as it is clearly hurting you. You have created an opening between your son and his wider family. Be there for him, as being rejected by your dad is always going to be hard.

Beyond that, I have no advice, I’m afraid. Lots of the Mums at dd’s school think my ex is God’s gift for still being there for dd, which shows how rare it is.