Still want their mum and dad back together

[motheroreily]

Hello everyone. I'm just posting as I feel sad today. I split up for my ex 5 years ago. My daughter was 3 at the time.

It was a difficult marriage
In the last couple of years of marriage we didn't argue. There was no point he wouldn't listen to me and I just grew ambivalent towards him. I asked to go to counselling several times he refused until I had moved out and by then it was too late for me. Elements of the relationship were controlling. Not physically but he wouldn't let my mum visit and certain friends he didn't want me speak to. And he just wouldn't listen to me. He'd say stuff like he'd turn our daughter against me. That was part of the reason I stayed so long because I believed it.

Anyway sorry for all the longness there. Even now my daughter says she wishes we were together. She wants us to get married again. And I feel so bad about it I'm happier now I am so much less anxious but she's not. She still sees alot of him and has a relationship with him. Most of the time she's happy but underneath it I know she hates us being separated. I don't think it helps that no other children in her class have separated parents

My parents had an awful relationship and stayed married until my mum died. Even when she was dying he bullied her. So I think that makes it hard for me to relate to my daughter because I wish my mum and dad split up and I know it was the right thing to do.

I try and reassure her. But I don't know what to say. Other than her mum and dad both love her alot

I think the reassuring her that she is loved by both her parents is the most important thing.
I also grew up in a home where my parents had a very very unhappy marriage and I agree that in those circumstances parents staying together is more detrimental than beneficial.
Also if ex was controlling you certainly dont want to go back to that type of marriage as it will skewe her perception of normal.
I'm sure your doing great and your daughter will understand one day.

Because children don't know that parents doesn't like each other company and that other parent makes them sad.
People are lying to children. Saying things like: mum and dad still are friends. We are still a family only living separately. Nothing changed for you, we only want to live in different houses.
It's very confusing for a child: if everyone is in such a good terms and friends why not to be together?????
Very fair point from a child point of view.