What is co parenting?

[Nanny15]

So my ex should be seeing our son 2 days a week but we both agreed not to while lockdown is on as he is still working and ive since found out driving round with mates.
He is messaging me about toys for christmas and asking me questions that he has asked i dont know how many times before like what size clothes, shoes etc.
On his days he has a video chat with him but hes also messaging " whats he doing" more than once a day, when i tell him he just says ok. Now ive asked him to stop with it all and now hes saying i need to learn to co parent??
He isnt a parent hes a babysitter he has no idea what to do, hes never took him the doctors when hes ill he expects to still have him yet cancels with me when hes ill but tells people i dont let him see him.
This is already a stressfull time without this added. So any pointers on what i should be doing?? Thanks

Co-parenting means that you are sharing, not fighting. And duties are agreed in the way that both are happy.
Co-parenting is when two parents are willing to support each other and co-work.
You seems to feel uncomfortable with communication between you and the dad. If communication is uncomfortable, then you have two options: learn to co-parent www.nfm.org.uk/top-tips-for-co-parenting-during-the-coronavirus-restrictions/?gclid=CjwKCAjwqJ_1BRBZEiwAv73uwHVTUpX-AsFIorirfOjDXAE30EP3nryqZLxCLSKy2VCC5QebRy956xoCRhwQAvD_BwE
or start parallel parenting. www.marriage.com/advice/parenting/the-difference-between-co-parenting-and-parallel-parenting/

We have been to court and we should communicate through a book which he never does. There was domestic violence which he denies but we have handovers in public places so he cant do what he was doing. He doesnt seem to understand that we dont have a good relationship he is oblivious to it. He is basically a babysitter for 2 days a week he does nothing of importance, even when i ask him he has an excuse. Instead of asking me what shoe size he is why not take him to get his feet measured? Or look in his shoes. Its silly things like that. I never message him ita always him messaging me. The line of communication is open due to the virus but otherwise he is blocked inbetween contact.

He doesn’t sound that bad, compared to my ex husband.

Co-parenting don't seem to be an option for you.
Go with the parallel patenting instead. It's the working way, if he has one opinion and you have another.
No one ever said that co-parenting is the only way to be a good parent.

Please don’t take this as an insult but I think you need to look for positives here instead of being so negative. Your child will grow up seeing your attitude towards him and it ain’t a good thing.
I appreciate there’s a history and maybe he won’t win awards for father of the year BUT he’s thinking about Christmas. Some people are just naturally crap at sizes for gifts (and I guess your dc will need a different size 7 months from now??) at least he’s trying.
From the way you say he’s a babysitter not a parent, I’m sorry but you sound incredibly hostile, which wont help any of you. He IS a parent and two days a week is more regular contact than a lot of nrp’s manage! And he’s texting to ask what his child is up to - perhaps he glad he’s taking an interest during a time he has agreed not to have direct contact!
Literally some dads (and some mums) don’t bother at all. He sounds like an alright dad to your child, maybe a bit clueless but bloody hell at least he (sounds like) he’s a regular presence in your child’s life and clearly is thinking about your child during a weird af time for him.

I dont take it as an insult but he has been told by the courts not to contact me unless its an emergency and asking me what toys our son is into 7 months before christmas is not an emergency. He asks me about sizes of clothes for now even when he is sat with our son?? So why not look? As you have said he sees him 2 days a week but doesnt know what his son likes?? The reason for this is our son is sat in a bedroom playing or on the odd occasions goes to the parks. The reason for this is " he has no money" yes im very hostile towards him because of the way he has treated me and our son in the past. He did nothing for our son for 18 months of his life. It isnt always about gifts and what he can buy its about quality time with our son. I provided food clothes and nappies for 6 months till i stopped when he was telling me to buy things for his house. He still asks me what he likes to eat why does he not know this after feeding him for the last 4 months?? And from what i sent for 6 months? Its like every excuse to contact me. He sends me pictures of things hes bought, why do i want to see it? The reason he isnt seeing his son is because he is choosing not to social distance himself from his friends, i have said to him on many occasions if you stop driving round with your mates then you could have our son on your days. I am then called a freak aa liar and a weirdo! Our child is only 2 and i dont discuss his dad other than when he sees him and im very happy and positive towards his dad but at times again ive been shouted at in a carpark. All he needs to do is concentrate on our son not message me all the time about things that are not relevent.

I agree Bogstandad

I disagree bogstandard what a depressingly low threshold for a 'decent' parent. He's there 2 days a week. Wow, how brilliant. Just because many NRPs are worse in terms of time doesn't mean the ex here is good. OP I totally get what you mean about him babysitting rather than parenting. My ex is the same, though he'd never admit it. Never once since we split has he taken them to an appointment or been proactive about anything. Thinking about Xmas in April isn't 'good'. Between now and then lots can change, he probably won't be into x thing in 8 months time. And if he was a parent he'd know that. So depressing that some people think this kind of 'parent' is OK really. Talk about race to the bottom.

OP,
I am baffled by some of the responses here. Often I feel Mumsnet goes way too far in condemning men who are basically ok blokes and yelling abuse when I don't see it. But for some reason, your guy - who has been abusive during your relationship and still continues to yell at and insult you and has been ordered to have no contact by a court and only meet you in public, is getting cut slack!

It must be incredibly hard to have to have contact with him because of your son, and I can imagine how infuriating and distressing it is for him to be asking these stupid questions. I was not abused but my husband left me for another woman.... but it was still like he was tied to me by apron strings. He would call me up for advice on everything and anything and take way longer than needed to discuss simple things about our daughter. it was like he didn't realize I hated him and what he did. It felt like a way he had of making himself feel better - tell himself that things were ok.

I don't know what to recommend, but Just wanted to send my sympathy. I am sorry you have to have this guy in your life.

Perhaps you might have included all that detail in your OP!
In that case just dont answer (because you don’t have to) or just have copy and paste ready made answers in your notes on phone and just copy paste the same answer each time he asks? E.g what size clothes
1-2
What does he like
Thomas the tank
Blah blah Christmas
That’s 7 months away I don’t know yet
Also if he’s only having video contact twice a week and doesn’t want any more just block him between as usual if you rather. If this was my ex tbh I would send her an email with the child’s current likes, clothing size and text that ive emailed it for her to refer to no as needed need to text asking again.
@HugeAckmansWife piss off with your sarcasm. I’m sure you’d be the first to attack a nrp who didn’t bother seeing his or her kids at all. At least he does see the kid and would appear to maintain a sense of regularity for the child which is more than can be said for some nrps. Yeah as I said doesn’t mean he’ll get any awards for father of the year but as PP said there are worse nrps. So even though OP has a shit history with him and it would appear he’s still being a bellend with her now at least he doesn’t flit in and out of the child’s life (unless OP has more to drip feed). Sometimes we have to look for positives.

Agree with bog.
Exp like that.
Dont engage in conversation or argument however hard.
Just take deep breath respond factually.

Shoe size 3 but feet are growing fast

Xmas is 7 months , away but get a duplo set for age 3 up.
(Think of something in sets so it wont really matter if duplications)

Clothes 2 to 3.

He may be rubbish but your 2 yr old doesn't know that (yet). If he keeps him fed and happy then whatever.

Thanks for all the responses. @HugeAckmansWife thank you for understanding what im trying to say. @BraveGoldie and you too, this is exactly how he is he doesnt accept the reasons i wanted him out our lives and thinks we should carry on as normal. @Bogstandad i didnt really want to put my life story on for it to be picked at i just wanted advice on what co parenting actually is. I have wrote down on numerous occasions his clothes and shoe sizes, its the way he actually asks me when he has our son for contact why doesnt he just look?? As for appearing to see his kid yes he does when hes not cancelling, or demanding that i drop him off, which is not in the court agreement. I ignore aa much as possible.
I think i will just block him inbetween contact and not answer him at all..unless its about our sons welfare everything else he can figure out himself just like i do!

Co-parenting is something that two adults do together who have split up but have a healthy relationship with each other and are focussed on the needs of their child.

So - making sure they both know about medical issues, decide on schools, support the child in their hobbies, have clothes at both houses, don't fight over Christmas and birthdays.

A parent how isn't capable of looking in his own son's jacket to see the size label in it and can't take him to the doctors isn't co-parenting. He's just pissing about.

He's just throwing that around to make you feel bad and more than likely phoning up to invade your personal space and exert control over you. Asking about Christmas presents in April FFS? Does he not know that children grow?

Tbf lots of people buy their kids presents in advance. I hear of people buying their kids presents in the Boxing Day sales for Xmas. Pick your battles, a dad asking about Xmas presents isn’t a bad thing!

bogstandard there's no need to be rude. I get frustrated when NRPs who really don't do anything other than show up get praise for being better than nothing while a single parent gets held to such a high standard of needing to everything AND work or they're a lazy benefit scrounger. Of course I would do criticise NRPs who don't see their kids at all but just because something is better than nothing (and actually, it isn't always if the NRP is unreliable) doesn't mean the op is wrong to be pissed off. She is right that what is currently happening is not 'co-parenting' or even parallel parenting really. He's just keeping the child alive for a couple of days unless he's feeling poorly at which point its too difficult... I must remember that for next time I'm unwell.

@HugeAckmansWife well sarcasm is Equally rude so perhaps take your own advice!
I agree it’s not coparenting and I wouldn’t advise her or her ex to co parent but her attitude won’t be helping. Many of us have to deal with shit exes who we have kids with but we grit our teeth and crack on because it’s better for the kids. By the way I started my kids Christmas shopping last month!!!
The attitude you and Op have that he’s just keeping a child alive for 2 days a week stinks Whether he’s a good or shit parent he’s still a parent not a babysitter and with regard to him cancelling contact if child is ill - That’s crap but my children would rather be with me as their rp if they’re ill than with the nrp anyway.

Well @bogstandad again you havent read my post properly, he doesnt cancel when son is ill he cancels when he himself is ill ( which is isnt as hes out with mates)when child is ill he still wants him to go but refuses to take him to the doctor?? How is that parenting?? As for my attitude towards his dad you have it all wrong, i make the effort with him to get abuse back! For example at christmas i made him and his family handmade christmas cards from our son, did he do any of that .... no he didnt all he was concerned about was why he cant see his child! Well he works 4 nights on 4 nights off and he was in work the night before. As for forward planning like christmas yes its a good thing but maybe use that all the time like when he asks to see him on his birthday a week before his birthday knowing its not his day, why am i going to wait around for messages to see if he wants to see him? I made plans to go out but guess what oh yes im the worst mother around. He sees it his way and no other way. I have explained to him we cant co parent as we dont have that kind of relationship to be told to grow up!! I have said to him you do what you do and i will do what i do but dont message me to ask me anything he has family that can help.
I get messages about our sons poo!!!! Why do i need pictures and messages about it?? As @AnnaMagnani said he invades my time to keep control. Yes he has him 2 days a week for 6 hours a day and when he has him he still messages, he should be enjoying his time with his son not bothering me over trivial things. Yes i buy christmas presents early too but i know wht my sons interests are why does he not?? His cousin is a childminder im sure he can ask her what 2 years olds like??
But as for the original question yes co parenting is what i actually thought it was and no we cant do it, he doesnt even make decisions i do he never offers so what shall i do?? Like i said he makes out he is dad of the year but he isnt! My son has more of a relationship with his grandad than his own dad! Just because he has him twice a week doesnt make him a parent!!! Parents are responsible for a childs wellbeing and he is not ! @PumpkinPyes people do buy christmas presents early i dont dispute that but hes asking me now what hes into! Things change like i told him, save your money till nearer the time then see what hes into. He keeps all the toys at his anyway so it doesnt concern me what he buys.

Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it but there is no need to be nasty and rude either 😊

See I disagree that no matter how shit he is he is still a parent and the op should always always be nice and accommodating to facilitate the relationship no matter how much he mucks her around. Being a parent doesn't start and end with bring the biological parent. From what the op says he does no actual parenting at all and ducks out of the minimal time he does have if he has something better to do. Why should the op have a good attitude toward him? Really, I don't get it. This man is not a parent except in the most basic biological sense so the op can't 'co parent' with him as he wouldn't know where to start with a discussion about say, potty training methods or sleep problems. He never has him long enough, by his own choice it seems, to develop any sort of understanding.

I started potty training then he kept bringing him back in a nappy. He is fully potty trained now hes been at home. He actually has no idea about his son. Ive tried so many times to be civil but he then starts with the nastiness. Im always on time for drop off and pick ups hes been late alot of times he tells me he leaves 2 hours before to meet me but is still late it takes 20 mins!! It seems he uses anything to contact me.. we can have an argument over message and then 10 mins later messages as if nothing has happened.
I have health visitors involved for speech and other issues and he says oh ok. I get info off them and pass it on to him but apparently he already knows so he says. Everything like health appointment i tell him about and all he says is ok. If it doesnt interfere with his time hes not bothered. He makes appointments for himself on the days he is meant to have our son and cancels his time. I dont want this pattern to continue as he gets older it wont be nice for our son.
But i take everything on board that you have said and i agree we cant co parent.