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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone else feel like they've been written out of the narrative?

24 replies

CognativeDissonance · 27/04/2020 11:25

Just that really. I'm a single parent, DDs father is not around at all. I'm not furloughed so still having to work full time from home. My only support has been ripped away due to lockdown and not being able to mix households.
I'm not necessarily expecting anyone to do anything, I'm not sure what can be done. But I don't see any acknowledgement at all. It makes me feel completely alone, like I must be the only person struggling. Or maybe everyone else is just sucking it up and I'm not?
I'm failing massively at the balance between homeschooling DD and working. I feel like my relationship with her is deteriorating because I'm just so stressed out at the moment. She's not a badly behaved kid generally but she is a typical 8 year old. It's hard. I'm not coping, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Bathbedandbeyond · 27/04/2020 11:29

I’m in the same boat OP. Work is busier than ever, DD and I are together 24-7, and I’m feeling overwhelmed at points for the first time since becoming a single parent.

unicornsarereal72 · 27/04/2020 11:31

You aren't at all. I sent school a massive rant last week. They are wanting the children to follow the school timetable. I have explained that there is one of me. 2 kids who need supporting. My eldest has ASD. And one lap top which is my work one.

I'm Not able to replicate school and don't wish too. I am prioritising subjects like maths and English. And science. Stuff like music and dramas can whistle.

Whilst also thinking about everyone mental health. Exercise eating well. and down time.

I'm doing my best and at the moment have been furloughed. But I get no break from the children. Their father is useless and just adds stress to the mix. And expects high results from 12 and 7 year old. And makes it too complicated.

Keep doing what you are doing. It is enough

megletthesecond · 27/04/2020 11:40

It's not just you .
I'm lucky that I have been allowed to work from home my usual three days a week. But work is crazy busy and the house goes to rack and ruin those days.

yy unicorn trying to make sure we are all eating well, I've roughly meal planned, we've had walks / runs and done a workout, looked for a shopping collection, done my admin and vaguely tidied up and I don't know how I haven't broken.

DD's primary school have very kindly offered her two days a week to try and take the pressure off. She quite violent and we've had some awful incidents. I won't send her in though as I can't risk her getting poorly.

Original poster

CognativeDissonance · 27/04/2020 11:54

Thanks everyone

I'm terrified that she will be damaged when we get to the other side of this because of being cooped up in a house with a stressed out mum who's slowly sinking into depression.
I can't talk to work about it, they already think i'm a fuck up I'm sure.
I'm really trying but equally, I'm sick of being told to focus on the positives all the time. Nothing feels positive at the moment.
I'm going to call DD's school to see if she can go in at least one day a week. I'm technically a Key Worker although I'm working from home so I haven't used the provision her school is providing but theres no way I can carry on like this.

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 27/04/2020 12:07

I too was going to say what you're doing is enough. I haven't got small children now, but from experience in general I've learnt most of the things we stress about is unfounded. You won't be affecting her badly. Just try to keep a nice atmosphere that's the main thing. As for the home schooling you can only do your best. For the time being, being healthy and happy is more important imo. Don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure.

PumpkinP · 27/04/2020 12:17

It’s not just you but this is my normal so... ex is absent and I have no help from family. I have 4 aged 9 and under, I never get help or a break anyway.

Longjo · 27/04/2020 13:23

LP here and feel the same. Still working full time and homeschooling. At the beginning we were doing all the work school sent as well as working full time (sometimes extra hours on top). But last week, I did less work and DD spent less time on her homework. Much less stressful. I couldn't keep up at the rate I was going without getting depressed or ill. I agree, no extra support for single parents is there? I am finding not seeing any other adult pretty depressing right now and feel very much alone! Even more so seeing families out and about. But we are trying to leave the house every day which helps... Getting extra sleep also helps. You are not alone OP. Crap situation though, hoping it wont last too much longer. At least we can still work.

feelingdizzy · 27/04/2020 13:33

My kids are now 17 and 18 so obviously don't need childcare. I have been a LP for 17 years. They have seen their Dad a handful of times in those years.
I have thought about how hard this would be if this had happened 15 years ago for me.My heart goes out to you all,people dont understand they seem to imagine you have a spare person in a cupboard somewhere and can comprehend that you do everything !
Well I get it,I get the loneliness and the feeling that you're not part of things. So I want to send a hug to you all,and one thing I would change would be to go easier on myself,I'm one person doing the job of 2 and most people would fold in a week.So do what it takes, if that's sandwiches for a week,dont worry .My kids still talk about picnics in the living room. Let go of the small stuff,really let go. Thinking of you all x

Longjo · 27/04/2020 16:15

Thanks @feelingdizzy It's true. I feel a bit peeved off with friends saying it's a struggle when there are two of them... Hugs to you too. Picnics in the living room. We have never done that, great idea :) I am wondering have you been single for 17 years?

unicornsarereal72 · 27/04/2020 17:35

@Longjo yeah. I had to bite my tongue the other day when someone was sympathising with me about how the balance of homeschooling and working was. She has a partner who is home. So although the kids seek her out whilst working. She has someone who can deal with things. But also she goes out for a walk/run once a day on her own. I can only dream of having that little bit of space.

As the saying goes. We are all in the same storm. But I'm different boats. It is hard for everyone.

Hang in there folks. We are doing ok. And that is good enough.

Desmondo2016 · 27/04/2020 17:47

Hey if you are a key worker working from home then you could definitely be using the school provision.

theseriousmoonlight · 27/04/2020 17:53

I'm not a lone parent but wanted to say you and others in your situation are not forgotten. At least, not by me. This is bloody hard and you are going your best. I hope your dd's school is amenable to taking her. My school would as you are a key worker - it wouldn't matter that you were working from home, you're still working. I have a feeling it's not the same everywhere however.

Bumpandus · 27/04/2020 17:57

Hey I totally feel uo

Bumpandus · 27/04/2020 17:59

Hey I totally feel you

Been struggling for 5 weeks working from home with my 8 year old and nearly 2 year old. Trying to homeschool the older one.

I’ve come to my breaking point and decided to take unpaid leave from today. Not sure if I will get any help from the government but I had to put my mental health first. It’s not normal to work and provide your own childcare

I will never take school and nursery for granted again!!!

Also leaving work means I now have no adult interaction at all...

Hoping I’ve made the right choice but I was really struggling. Also my 8 year old has autism ...

feelingdizzy · 27/04/2020 18:07

@longjo ,No problem, yep I've been single for 17 years, there has been men but not many and none that I wanted to share mine and my kids lives. It's worked for me, I answer to no one,an upside to single parenting

HollowTalk · 27/04/2020 18:11

For both of your sakes I would send her into school. She'll have people to play with and a change of scene, and you can get on with your work. You'll both be much happier if you do that.

Original poster

CognativeDissonance · 28/04/2020 17:04

Thanks all, it's defiantly comforting to know I'm not alone, it can cirtainly start to feel that way.
Today has been a bit better, I started the day with us having a cuddle on the sofa and reading a story together. I also find that the day tends to start off better when I wake up before her. Just 20 minutes of silence apart from hooligan kittens running around so I can collect my thoughts and organise my head before the day starts.
I probably am more stressed than necessary about her school work. She was quite behind for a while (long story), we worked so hard with the school to get her to where she should be for her age, I'd hate for all of that to be undone
Just hoping lockdown is eased a little so I can go back to having proper support from my mum.

OP posts:

IAmLegendaryExtra · 28/04/2020 17:14

they seem to imagine you have a spare person in a cupboard somewhere and can comprehend that you do everything ! @feelingdizzyThat* really made me laugh thanks 😂
But it’s so true people just don’t get it and I feel totally forgotten. My coping mechanism has been spending copious amounts of time on the phone with one or two friends while I get on with the day it makes me feel like someone else’s is in the house with me.

Longjo · 28/04/2020 23:12

@feelingdizzy know what you mean. I've been single for years too. Despite moaning about it there are many upsides

StrawberryJam200 · 05/05/2020 16:26

Hi all! I'd just drafted a "support thread for single parents during lockdown" title and first post... then remembered about this bit of MN. Yes I think most people, even friends and family, I'm afraid, don't really stop and imagine what it's like being the only adult in the house 24/7!

Our DC's and our mental health are the most important thing at the moment. And you can't support their mental health if you're not feeling great, so prioritise yourself, seriously.

StrawberryJam200 · 06/05/2020 10:16

Bumping, think this issue is so important.

And that's before we get to the people posting threads about huge anxiety over what happens if they get really ill.

PicsInRed · 13/05/2020 12:01

Yep.

And with both school and other parents (furloughed and making FB memories 😍) giving me the massive side eye for being such a negligent mother and poor citizen that I would use school childcare keep doing essential work and pay for a food and roof for my child.

There is a lot of "it must be so hard to be furloughed", but zero recognition for how horrific it is for those of us still working and with now zero childcare provision or support - even just moral support. None.

StrawberryJam200 · 14/05/2020 14:09

@PicsInRed I feel for you.

BrassyLocks · 14/05/2020 14:55

When my married friends who have an au pair in the home moan about how stressed they are I feel a bit . Then again, if my ex and I had been locked down together it would have been a really miserable experience. Try not to worry, OP, you are not alone

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