Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Can’t speak to father of my child

18 replies

Sammigal93 · 18/04/2020 07:00

Hi there just want some advice. Basically my daughter is turning six and for the past 5 years since my ex has met this woman she has not let him speak to me or see me at all. I don’t have his phone number and he’s blocked me on everything as his girlfriend has made him. My daughters grandad has always collected her and brought back but I don’t know if my daughter is seeing her dad. All I want is to be able to speak to my daughters father and for him to be in her life more. He has recently just moved 40 minutes away aswell and atm only has her sundays. Him and his girlfriend have a 4 year old daughter too

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 18/04/2020 14:12

I'm not sure you can force him to speak to you tbh. You also can't make him have her more, what does your child say? Surely she would say if she was going there (or not)

Original poster

Sammigal93 · 18/04/2020 14:58

She says she sometimes sees him but my daughter only goes to her nan and grandads and my daughters dad goes to see her but it could be a couple of hours. She tells me she feels left out and wants to spend some alone time with her dad

OP posts:

humanvision123 · 20/04/2020 10:31

I get that; you have emotional needs and you wish your ex would be your emotional support. He is probably a nice man and good person to talk to. Unfortunately he has chosen another woman to support. You have to respect his choice. You can not force yourself on him only because you two conceived a baby 5 years ago.
He is a dad and will see his daughter but nothing makes seeing you or supporting your emotional needs his duty.
I am sorry, but its reality.

DrFosterPuddle · 20/04/2020 13:48

@humanvision123, the OP hasn't been talking about her own emotional needs.

From what she has written, her concern is very much with her daughter and how she is feeling. With respect to that, OP is saying she wishes she could talk to (not see) her daughter's father, and that he would be in their daughter's life more.

OP, what is your relationship like with your daughter's grandfather? Could you talk to him about what your daughter has said regarding feeling left out and wanting to spend time alone with her dad?

Ultimately though you can't force her dad to step up (unfortunately). You can make sure your daughter knows her dad's decisions are not her fault, and that you love her. And you can foster her relationship with her grandparents, if she does enjoy going to see them and you feel it is healthy for her.

Or, if having her dad come over for a bit sometimes while she is at her grandparents, but not properly giving her attention or making her feel valued, actually makes her feel worse, you could also consider rethinking whether she should be seeing that side of her family at all as things stand.

Original poster

Sammigal93 · 20/04/2020 15:17

Yes exactly that’s what I mean Thankyou @DrFosterPuddle so basically the only contact number I have and speak to is my daughters fathers mum. She will not give me his number and just won’t let me speak to him I’ve said how [x] feels left out and stuff but they don’t care

OP posts:

Notverybright · 20/04/2020 15:36

OP your daughter's name is in that last post.

DrFosterPuddle · 20/04/2020 15:52

It sounds very tough @Sammigal93. Can you tell whether your daughter enjoys spending time with her grandparents? Do you think the positives outweigh the negatives?

DrFosterPuddle · 20/04/2020 15:57

Do you have an email address for her father?

The only other thing I can think of trying is sending a very factual, formal email to him outlining how your daughter feels and requesting he responds to clarify whether he is willing to address the problem.

If you set up a new email account simply for communicating about her, that makes it hopefully less personal/"offensive" to your ex's girlfriend. You could have an email address like "[yourdaughtersnamehere]_parenting_arrangements@hotmail or whatever" so your motivations are completely clear.

But ultimately he can't be forced to step up and if his attitude is that he would rather not bother, just keep reminding yourself that that means your daughter is better off without a lot of input from him anyway

Original poster

Sammigal93 · 20/04/2020 16:12

She does enjoy being with her grandparents, and I don’t have any details for him at all I don’t even have his address. All I want is for Ava to have a dad that cares and is there for her as I never had that. He doesn’t come to parents evening he hasn’t even seen her school. His girlfriend has got some wired jealously issue of not letting him speak to me and I think that’s starting to effect my child as she’s picking up on it

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 20/04/2020 16:47

You can't blame the other woman for his not talking to you, he is a grown man who has made his own decisions.

Can you talk to the grandad? You have every right to know where your child is and who she is with. I would not let my child go with anyone who would not allow basic communication about the child's needs.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/04/2020 16:51

You cant change his choices only he can

PumpkinP · 20/04/2020 16:51

Tbf im sure it would be a lot of women’s dreams to not have to have contact with their ex, unless you get on and are civil which isn’t the case here. I would love for a middle person to not have to deal with ex (he’s absent anyway but in the past it would have been good) i wouldn’t stop contact for this, if that’s what other posters are implying you should do.

unicornsarereal72 · 20/04/2020 16:57

You can't make him step up. All you can do is manage your daughters expectations. She clearly has supportive grand parents so that is a positive. She will figure him out in her own time.

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/04/2020 17:07

Is this contact with grandparents or supposed to be with dad?

AnnaNimmity · 20/04/2020 17:16

You can't make him parent unfortunately. Given he's never been a parent to her, what makes you think that he would be a welcome addition to her life? Maybe it's time for you to accept that he's not an active parent.

I also think it's a bit of a cop out to blame the new girlfriend. Even if it is her stipulating that he can't see his dd, he is the one that is choosing to put his girlfriend's needs first. He is making a choice - his girlfriend above his daughter.

Sorry OP, my ex is similar. He says his gf won't allow his kids in the house, but he chooses to accept that condition. I don't understand how anyone would willingly choose to be with someone that doesn't want them to properly parent their children, but at the end of the day, it's down to the dad to make that decision.

Original poster

Sammigal93 · 20/04/2020 17:25

It’s 100% the girlfriend as many people who are friends with my daughters dad have told me as I also know them

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 20/04/2020 17:31

But what your missing is that he is an adult and came make his own decisions. Even if his girlfriend is stopping him he doesn’t have to listen to her, he is choosing to. So he is to blame.

PatriciaHolm · 21/04/2020 16:36

It's quite possible your mutual friend are just telling you what they think you want to hear. It's easier in many ways to think that his girlfriend is to blame, rather than accept he's a twat who doesn't really care that much about his daughter. Which is honestly more like it.

You say you have told his parents. That's all you can do.

Flip