Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Children and absent fathers ?

18 replies

PumpkinP · 14/04/2020 20:11

What have you told your children about why their father is absent? I'm running out of excuses and just want to tell them something that puts the questions to bed once and for all. For those with absent exes what have you said ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 14/04/2020 20:32

How old are your children? That makes a big difference.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 14/04/2020 20:37

9,8,6 and 2. 2 year old doesn’t know him at all and only met him twice I think it was (over a year ago) so no memory there. It’s mainly the eldest that asks (constantly)

OP posts:

Elieza · 14/04/2020 20:43

Why is he not around? Jail? Not interested? Nasty and dangerous?

Original poster

PumpkinP · 14/04/2020 20:48

He just doesn't want to see them, hasn't bean involved for 3 years. I can't really say that to them though, that he just doesn't want to see them. But at the same time don't want to build him up in there heads and have them thinking he wants to but cant. Etc

OP posts:

maginachevalier · 14/04/2020 21:58

I wish I knew . My heart breaks for my ds every time . How can they be so cruel to their own flesh and blood

Lizadork · 15/04/2020 19:48

Maybe just be honest. Say that you don't know why their dad is not around any more. Tell them what you have tried to do to help the situation. That you don't understand it either. That maybe daddy needs time to work on himself and it is possible in the future he will be ready to act like a daddy again. That you just don't know. But don't try to give too much false hope. It may not happen obviously. Focus on the fact all families are different, that you love them so much and that if they ever want to talk about him they can.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 15/04/2020 19:50

I just reiterated that I didn’t know what dad hadn’t been in touch/seen them, that only he knew and he could explain that to them himself one day. They don’t ask about him anymore and have no interest in seeing him. It’s been 3 years now.

Lizadork · 15/04/2020 19:51

There is no quick fix and the questions will keep on coming year after year but love/honesty/open communication will ensure they keep emotionally secure with you.

Lizadork · 15/04/2020 19:52

I like what chandler said.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 20:11

yes I like that one aswell, that I don’t know and maybe he will explain one day! Put it on him rather than me trying to explain it.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 15/04/2020 20:31

It was the advice given to me by our social worker at the time. She said not to lie or make up excuses for him but also not to make him out to be a baddie (I never would anyway).

Original poster

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 20:46

I’ve always been really conscious about painting him in a good light, I never will do that, I’ve heard people say to tell them “daddy loves you but can’t see you right now” I’m not going to do that, I’m not going to tell them he loves them as I don’t think he does. At the same time I don’t want to sit and bad mouth him. But I’m careful about not building him up in their heads.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 15/04/2020 20:55

It’s horrible. You can see your children hurting and you want to tell them the thing that will make them feel better but in the long run will they work out that it was lies and then hate you for lying? It’s a really shit situation. My Dc have a lot of pain surrounding their dad. They just don’t mention him at all now.

Windyatthebeach · 15/04/2020 20:59

Imo dc need to know that absent df's don't know them really well - they weren't able to be a df and they walked away because they couldn't do a good job.
Make it about the ex not being good enough so the dc won't think its because THEY weren't good/nice enough..

Original poster

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 21:04

I wish my daughter wouldn’t mention it anymore. She is fixated on it. Even asks me to get her a new dad. She has autism and becomes quite obsessed about things.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/04/2020 22:03

I told my Ds I didn’t know and I couldn’t imagine not seeing him every chance I got.

Now older he has been told ( there was abuse) that if he wanted to see him he would have to take me to court to make sure it is the right thing for him ( avoided the over my dead body)

He also has a half brother he doesn’t see . So point out this is not about you .

Original poster

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 23:15

How old is your son Starlightstarbright1 ? I’m concerned with social media these days that ex could contact them when they are older, it’s one of my worst fears!

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/04/2020 16:45

My Ds is 12.

So long as you are honest he can come back.

My ex saw his other Ds with his mum and ignored them both as he was buying drugs so not overly concerned .

My Ds has reached the age his voice had been heard but would not want to see him . He has made that very clear for a few years.

Flip