Son blaming me for his dad leaving

[milkysmum]

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband. He moved out 18 months ago. We have an 11 year old daughter and 8 year old son.
History of alcohol misuse, some drug use, emotional abuse, terrible behaviour when drunk etc..
self employed, financially irresponsible, I could go on. When things were good, they were great, but a real jackal and Hyde type to his personality. Final straw reached 18 months ago and I told him he either stopped drinking and went into anger management or he left, he wouldn't accept he had a problem so I insisted he leave.
My son has taken his hard. He has failed to maintain any regular contact, not paid one penny child support.
Last contact he had was Xmas eve when he called round for 10 mins to drop them a card off. My son for the past few weeks has talked about his dad not stop, and about how this is all my fault for making his dad leave. His dad hadn't rang them at all and the other night the children actually rang him and he casually said " oh I'm not working because of lockdown, come and stay if you like"!! Obviously I had to explain to the children they couldn't , and that contact needed to be arrange through me etc. So now again I'm the bad guy and my son had told me he hates me as this was the ' one chance he had to see his dad'. Any advice on how best to tackle this? I've text H to explain how upset our son is, and asked him to think about phone contact, and then arranging regular consistent contact after lockdown, but he read the message and didn't reply! I just want to know how best to support the children through this, my daughter seems to be taking it in her stride but my boy is heartbroken and holding me solely responsible.

Why wouldn't you let him go and see his Dad? What was your reason?

The child has rights to see his Dad

The drug and alcohol misuse is a good clue Annamaria

@quacksinthedark, I don't think that would hold up in a family court for stopping anyone from seeing their children. Plenty of people have issues with alcohol.

Not letting a child see his father - who is very upset about not getting to see his father - is disgusting to me.

Why hurt a child like that?

Because her first priority is his safety, if he wants contact he can ask a court to decide. She needs to protect her child from harm.

@quacksinthedark not seeing his father is causing him harm. Her ex wasn't physically abusive - what harm can he cause the child

I think that many mothers under estimate, how much harm it does to a child - by keeping them away from their other parent.

It causes life - long psychological damage.

My auntie wouldn't let her son see his dad, and her son was depressed his entire life, and then killed himself.

This post made me cry thinking of that poor little lad wanting to see his dad, and not being allowed to.

He doesn’t need to be physically abusive to be able to cause harm. Do you really think it’s ok to be drunk and in charge of an 8 year old child? The father needs to request access via the courts so that he can be assessed as safe or not.
What if OP sent the child there and he gets drunk and burns the house down? Gets in a car drink and drives and crashes with the child in the car? Is too drunk to look after him? Doesn’t feed him or turns the emotional abuse on the child? Is that all ok?

@quacksinthedark how do you know he would be drunk in charge of the child? The OP said that he has been drunk in the past - how does that equal to he would be drunk looking after the child?

Does the little boy not have a say? Does him being really upset not matter? Children should be given more respect, and be allowed to make their own decisions

My aunty said the same thing to her son , "that he wasn't safe with his dad". When I met his father and he was an absolutely lovely man, when his mother was a controlling nasty person.

How do we know some one is abusive, just because a mother says he is abusive.

Couldn't she just be saying the father is abusive - to make things go in ner favour - to take the child from him?

Courts definitely need to intervene on this case, if the mother is making her child upset to that extent. I really feel for him. Let hom see his dad!

Well that's the point. She doesn't know that's why she can't take the risk at the moment.
Of course his feelings matter but he's 8 he doesn't know what's best for him right now and to let a child of that age make this sort of decision would be utterly irresponsible and stupid.
OP can provide comfort and reassurance to him while he's upset but sending him off to an unknown risk to make him feel better is not the solution. The father is refusing to engage with the mother in this situation so she has no way of risk assessing the situation. She's being responsible by taking the course of action she has. She's offered him a way forward and he's ignored it. If he wants to see his children he'd move heaven and earth to do so but so far he's not that bothered is he? It's his fault this has happened and it's his job to now step up and be a better parent. The OP protecting her child as she should but that doesn't mean giving the child everything they want in order to placate them. If you can't see that then I can't engage any further,

Your son is only taking it out on you because you are his safe person. It’s very sad to have such an unreliable dad. Is there anyone else in your son’s life that could help be a father figure like an uncle or god father and could you arrange a regular Zoom chat with them or obviously to meet up after lockdown is over?

I’m sure he was Lovely to you. Most abusers are absolutely charming and lovely to people they don’t know. They save the abuse for behind closed doors.

Don't allow the fact that your son is (understandably) upset mean he can take it out on you and put you on a guilt-trip. From what you say, you have excellent reasons for your actions and are protecting the children.

Explain it to him in an age-appropriate way, and kindly but firmly tell him that you won't tolerate him taking it out on you (but that you totally understand him being upset about it and you sympathise- I'm paraphrasing, but you know what I mean).

Annamaria I think you need to think about why you’re projecting the situation with your aunt and cousin on to this scenario.

The children do have a right to a relationship with an adult who wants to have a relationship with them but there's no evidence he is one of those Adults.

It's heartbreaking but people will say anything to stop themselves feeling like an arsehole over the phone so there is no evidence he actually wants to see them.

The rights and feelings of his children are as irrelevant to him now as they were when he chose to continue drinking and when he made all the choices to not bother contacting them.

It's nobody's fault but you can't force somebody to miss their kids or pick up a phone to call them.

It IS really shit for an 8 year old, but your son is going to be stuck with him for a dad his whole life and you know that he will be let down in worse ways then this throughout that time..

This phone call changes nothing in terms of what is happening in their lives.

He has made no effort to make contact, because he didn't want to and you can't know if he meant what he said OR if he was sober, you brought up being willing to arrange regular contact and he ignored it.

Kids blame mum. If he was seeing dad often, you would get the blame for something else and it will change nothing.

This post made me cry thinking of that poor little lad wanting to see his dad, and not being allowed to.

It's a shame it's you crying and not his father who last saw him for 10 minutes on Christmas Eve.

Did your son witness his bad behaviour?

Tell DS the truth that their dad didn't answer your text. Tell them that nothing can happen at the moment as they can't leave home and that once this is over - and if dad replies - you will sort something out. Tell him he can FaceTime dad at anytime, when dad replies - but he must tell you first.

This post made me cry thinking of that poor little lad

Really? You read a post on Mumsnet and actually cried?

AnnaMaria which part of this has you convinced that Dad is a resposible, sober adult who genuinely wanted the kids to stay with him and didn't just offer because he was put on the spot?

Men who want contact, arrange contact. Dad chose not to.

Men who give a shit, have empathy and miss their kids pick up the damn phone because they realise a parental split is hard on kids..Dad chose not to pick up the phone EVERY DAY.

Dad's total lack of interest is obviously causing his son distress. It's sad that an 8 year old means so little to his dad when MOST Dads would avoid hurting their kids like that.

Dads drinking is very unlikely to have stopped because it's plausible he would have established contact before now if that were so.

During lockdown even non drinkers are drinking during the day. What has he been doing? because it didn't include calling or messaging his kids.

He clearly doesn't give two hoots about contact as he hasn't reached out to you to arrange contact. If he was serious about seeing his children then you'd be hearing from him repeatedly.

I didn't speak to my mum for months when my parents divorced, my dad was controlling and emotionally abusive towards her, I was the same age as your son when he left and I pinned it all on my mother because I was confused and hurt.

Thanks to the posters who have offered words of support.
AnnaMaria- wow, just wow, major projection going on I imagine.
Did you miss the bit that said dad hasn't been in touch for months, that it took an 8 year old to reach out. That he ignored my text suggesting regular phone contact until lock down lifted etc.. I have tried so hard to set up regular contact over part 18 months, he has had them for an occasional overnight and then we hear nothing again for months.
He will absolutely not be adhering to social distancing and I'm not willing to take unnecessary risks ( he will be going out to buy alcohol and cannabis if nothing else). I get frequent speeding fines at this address as well as other bailiff letters etc. He has no consideration on how this impacts on me or the children. He lives with another woman and her teenage boys, and I know nothing about them or the life they are currently living. I'm a nurse as well as a parent so have many peoples safety to consider where covid is concerned also.
I can't claim child maintenance as he does not declare earnings to HMRC.
But yes I'm the bad one in all this, definitely 🙄.