What have I done? I've ruined everything!

[Mum901]

This is quite a long and extremely sensitive post.

...I literally don't know where to start. I recently moved into a bigger place with my DD whose just about to turn 2. She's become super clingy, meaning that she can't even sleep without me there which left me with absolutely NO time to myself each day. For this reason, I've not been able to paint or decorate properly as I've just not had the chance. Her clinginess and attachment was really taking its toll on me mentally, however I still felt like I was coping fine.
A few weeks ago we were at home playing and Lord knows what made me randomly look out of the window. To my horror there was a man lying dead on the floor (he'd jumped off a crane from a construction site right next to my building and taken his own life) Before you knew it, the police and paramedics came and it was just a huge horrific palava.
Witnessing all of this really triggered me for multiple different reasons and heightened the emotions that I felt like I was coping with. I also felt really
sad and hauntedd by what I'd seen.
That night, shortly after putting DD to sleep,I left the room and she started crying after waking up and realising I wasn't there. Usually I'd come back in and soothe her but this time I just lost
it and started screaming and shouting at the top of my voice about how I don't get a break and I've had enough. Of course this only made her crying worse. Then I started thinking about walking out the front door and leaving her to cry or putting her out behind the front door. My brain and emotions were on a mad one. Eventually we both settled and slept.
The next morning I woke up feeling the same, I just about had enough energy to get her breakfast ready. I just couldn't take it...& cut a long story short - I ended up calling the police and expressing how I felt and how I was so tempted to walk out and leave her (I don't have any support around me that can help) The police arrived shortly after and evaluated that I was having a mental breakdown and that they'd have to take DD off me until I get seen at the hospital. I had to pack a small bag for her and she went off it one car and me in anither. I was bawling my eyes out and so was she!!
I was kept at hospital for a day and a half before being released and I came home. But while I was there, a social worker got in touch and informed me that DD had been taken into emergency care and arranged a home visit for the next day. The next day the social worker came and informed me that DD would be staying in foster care for her protection. This broke me but I had no choice but to accept it. 2 days later I had to meet the social worker at the hospital for an assessment on DD which meant that I got to see her and meet her foster after who was a really nice lady. Seeing her and not taking her home with me was super weird and she was really emotional but I kept it together.
It's been almost 3 weeks since this all took place and I've just been slumped. The current Covid-19 situation means that contact centres (where I'd usually be able to meet and see DD are closed) and around a week and I'm a half ago I started drowning my sorrows and went into a weird rage and threw out loads of things including my phone. I managed to get another phone on Friday and I'm eager to get in touch with her social worker a d find out what's going on and where I stand?
I just feel like a complete and utter idiot and waste of space. A month ago, everything was fine and fast forward to now and it's all wrecked. I'm in an extremely dark space and I feel like a failure. I've let DD down tremendously and dug a serious grave for myself as a mum. I don't know what to do or think........

I'm so sorry, you are having such a tough time. Hold on there, there will be lots of lovely people around soon here to help

Here is a hand hold to keep you going xx

You did the right thing by reaching out. And I'm sorry to say but social services did right by removing your dd.

You need to use this time to get back in an even keel, look online for cbt courses and counselling, what you witnessed is horrific, do the police know you saw it? If so there is usually help you cam access via them.

But the absolute key is to work with the agencies, they will want to reunite you with your dd and it is massively unfortunate that the cv19 lockdown has coincided with this.

Tidy, decorate where you can, show them that you are managing and then work with them to reunite you and your dd.

Good luck!

I think ss done the right thing as well, you admitted yourself you weren’t coping and too many times children have been left in situations they shouldn’t have been so I can criticise them for removing your dd. Just concentrate on getting better and do whatever it is they ask of you. Do you not have any family friends or ex who could have taken her? ( Sorry if that’s not allowed im not sure how these things work)

You haven't ruined everything. I know you cannot see that now, but in time you will. You are not a failure. Reaching out for help shows just how much you care for your little one. Take things a day at a time. Do what is asked of you, comply with social services and keep on top of your medical care.

With everything going on at the moment, resources are stretched even further with people off work sick etc, so try to take to be proactive if you can when it comes to working with social services /doctors etc. What I mean is, you call them, ask them what is going on etc. It is easy to fall through the cracks in the system at a time like this.

Work on getting yourself better. Source counselling options for the incident you saw if you haven't already. I'm sorry you are going through this, I really am. Take care of yourself

You should ring a solicitor on the law society children panel first thing on Tuesday. You are likely to be entitled to legal aid. They will be able to help you in taking steps to get your daughter back.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be heartbreaking. The other posters sound as if they know a lot about social services. The idea for getting support for PTSD is a good one and it might help you realise you should not feel guilty, you did an incredibly brave thing and it is an invidious choice, which no one tells you being a parent involves.

@2019user44
Do you not think the SS should keep this child safe? Your suggestion of lawyer seems to suggest they were wrong to remove her.

@FinallyHere Thankyou XX

@Tinyhumansurvivalist Yes I'm going to call SS first thing tomorrow to chase things up and find out where I stand and how long she could possibly be in care for etc ..

@PumpkinP no I don't have any friends or family that could've taken her and her dad has never met her sadly.

@MyLamaDontLikeYou Thanks so much for all of your reassuring words and advice! I'm going to do everything I possibly can to get myself together so that I can get DD back and move on positively with life - although things are easier said than done and I'm having difficulty processing everything that's happened..

You have got this. It wont be easy but you have started, and that is the biggest step you can take. all the very best xx

I’m not saying they were wrong to remove but OP has a right to proper advice about removal. A good lawyer will also be able to help OP by letting her know what support social services should be offering her in order for her child to be returned to her care and consider options such as mother and baby placement et cetera

Oh, love, you poor thing.

Firstly, you did the right thing asking for emergency help when you knew you needed it for the protection of your Dd.

She is safe, you have met the foster carer and know her to be nice.

Now look after yourself. Get rid of all alcohol and any other temptation to drown your sorrows or self medicate.

Give yourself a sense of achievement, a little decorating - but no home needs pristine paintwork, so do not put pressure on yourself.

Eat as well as you can, and make sure you take your daily walk, brisk, breathe in lots of fresh air and look at the horizon.

Would it help to write a little diary for your dd? A letter each day, telling her what a darling she is and in doing so reminding yourself that you are not a bad mother, you are ill?

2 year olds can be very clingy, and is it possible that the house move disconcerted her a bit?

Yes, call your social worker, and ask if there are any other avenues that you can explore to hep your mental health at this time.

You are having a very bad time in difficult circumstances, you haven't ruined everything.