Absent dad.. son asking for photo

[dilly123]

Brief background.. Ds is 8, was product of a short relationship his Dad right from the get go made it clear if I was going ahead with the pregnancy I'd be doing it without his blessing & subsequently has never so much as acknowledged ds.. at his request I moved counties & we've not had any contact in that time..

I remained single to concentrate on ds who has asked about his dad on just a few occasions but floored me tonight by asking if I had a photo of him. I don't but could screenshot one from a mutual friends social media. Ds asked if I was sad when his dad left & I said a little bit, he then asked why he left so I said he didn't want the responsibility of a serious relationship & a baby but I wanted him so I went ahead & had you hoping I'd be enough of a good parent to be all you needed. I wasn't completely honest as I could have shown ds a photo & didn't tell him he has 3 half siblings. I panicked! 😢

I don't know what to do now.. Ds was not upset & happily went off to play.. do I leave things until he asks more questions & then show him a photo or bring it up myself in the morning?

I am at a complete loss, he has only ever vaguely mentioned him.. things like we don't have a dad in this family do we never anything more specific.

To be fair nobody can judge me any harder than I judge myself.. so I don't need any harsh judgment about unwanted pregnancy, I've come to terms with my mistake & have worked since Ds was a young baby, It's just hard to know what to say to my ds so he doesn't feel rejected & hurt.

Any advice very much welcome thank you

I am no expert here.

I don't think you need to volunteer any more info until he asks, but I would take every opportunity to let him know how loved he is, how glad you are you had him etc. I don't imagine that you don't make him feel incredibly loved, just that it's a good opportunity to double-down on that.

Ps no judgement at all sounds like you've done a grand job.

I think you handled it well. Honest and age appropriate.

No judgement here!

I think if you make dad mysterious, then it might be something your DS remains curious about. If you make it normal and not a big deal, he's less likely to go hunting when he's older.
So I'd show him a photo in a matter-of-fact way.

My Ds is 12 nit seen his dad in a decade. I call it the revolving door question. I have always answered his questions.

He has a half brother. I told him as I didn’t want it to be a shock but as I know nothing about this boy he has remained a mystery figure who he is intrged about . I am not sure I did the right thing but it was my best guess.

I’m the same. Ex absent, has been for a number of years. Has another older child but they don’t know about him, I don’t plan on telling my children tbh. Ex has nothing to do with them and they are unlikely to ever meet the other child.

Tbh if the dad is so self absorbed and inconsiderate, do you really want him around to be a prime example of being an awful human?

Better for the children not to be around bad examples I think

My mother destroyed all the photos of my father who left before I was born.
It has devastated me all my life that I have no idea what he looks like.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to meet him because he knew where my grandparents lived when he went back to Europe and never once tried to contact me all my life. I know he doesn't even acknowledge my existence.
But the photo is something I really want and always have wanted to show me my heritage and background. I look like none of my family and I need to see it.

Thank you all for your kind responses,

DS hasn't mentioned anything since & nor have I. That is kind of how I've dealt with it up to now, only answering his questions when raised. I have screenshot the couple of photos on a mutual friends fb but edited out his other children but I've hidden the photos in a file on my phone because DS is always playing on it.

My biggest fear for the future is how much the complete truth will hurt him, the cruel reality of how brutally he was rejected by his dad. He once said if DS was to contact him when he's older he'll just tell him to fuck off!! ... & judging by how he behaved from early pregnancy I can only imagine he will be true to his word.. I just hope by then DS will be of the opinion that his mum was all he needed anyway.

Sorry for the late reply just seen this thread and it really hits home. I too decided to go ahead and keep my child even though the dad wanted nothing to do with me and was nasty to me after he dumped me. He also has 2 kids from previous relationship b4 me and he is in their lives. I dont think I can tell my child about the other kids until hes older and il say I didnt want to hurt your feelings. He also keeps saying he wants daddy lately and I just took the plunge and said you have a dad but he doesnr live with us he didnr know how to be dad but it's ok you have mommy and mummys family. He found it uncomfy to tall about hes 5 but I needed to give him some info. And when he asks again I will. I have friends also who are single parents and I use them as examples to show him hes not alone. But it is hard and I hope he will be ok when hes older as I too dont know where the dad is. All.we can do is give them lots of love and good upbringing x