How can i stop my toddler from hurting me?

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Hi, this might sound silly but its getting me down. My toddler is continuously hitting me atleast once a day when she doesn't get her own way or sometimes just for what feels like the sake of it. I obviously say "no thats naughty" and tell her off but its clearly not working. Ive tried putting her on a naughty step and she will just hysterically cry and i end up taking her off it as concerned about next door complaining of the noise. I dont know what to do or where i have went wrong. I strongly believe not to smack her back as its encouraging violence. She is starting to actually hurt me and its making me really upset. Im also worried about when she starts nursery/school if her behaviour continues i dont want her to be that horrible nasty child. Shes fantastic in so many ways this is just her one downfall. I feel like a failure

Thank you everyone for all your advice and kind words, i massively appreciate it! My DD is 20mo and extremely strong for her size. Im going to give the rewards thing a go and also make sure she knows im not having it when she lashes out at me. Ive gone past the point of even wanting to raise my voice because im just tired of it. Hopefully some of the advice ive been given by you all will work!

@Crackerofdoom I have consistently always made sure that whenever DD is violent towards me that i make sure i take her hand and stroke my arm with her hand whilst saying "nicely" and she ended up walking up to random people and trying to stroke themsuppose its better than being violentalthough she is still violent with me

Just a slightly different perspective as you have had good advice but consider the words you use. What exactly do naughty and good mean to a toddler?? They are very general. Set clear detailed expectations like 'we do not hit' 'we sit and table and eat our meal and not run around with food' etc etc. Phrases such as 'stop it' 'enough' 'pack it in' 'behave' are really ineffective as they are not specific enough.

She is trying to communicate with you. So you need to respond and teach other ways to get your attention
What language does she have ?
How does she tell you she wants something?

Remember all behaviour is communication
If she doesnt have words or other means she is just communicating as she knows
Show her other ways to communicate
Use signs symbols pictures model tapping or saying mum if she has the words
Show attention when she says mum

Oh I’m so glad you posted, I was terrified it was just me. My DS is 2.5 and is going through a hitting/biting/pinching stages when he’s upset or slightly inconvenienced....or when there’s no obvious reason.
He will shout “I need to bite mummy” which I ^^think is about him wanting to process a big feeling and only knowing how to communicate that through biting/pinching. He doesn’t do it to anyone else and frankly it’s been upsetting as hell and has made me quite anxious.
Really good to know not alone and will try to look at the suggestions here. I tried removing toys but that just escalate it so atm I just hold him very tight (like a mummy straight jacket) and talk about how upset/frustrated he seems till he seems to calm and move on. Takes all of my patience and sanity which is great in a lockdown when there’s no break from each other . Good luck!

Try some role play with teddies

Act out what happens with teddies and moddl the right way to show frustration

You sound like a very good mother.however you are her mother not her friend. She needs discipline in her life. Take away her toys and privileges untill she behaves. If she starts crying do not give her attention just ignore that's what she wants.i know you mentioned your not a fan of snacking but sometimes you need to as a last resort. I did that sparlingy to my children and they turned out fine just dont do it to hard or to often. Again rember you are her mother not her friend.

@Peraduaadastra2567

Advice like yours personally scares me and concerns me.

The child is two years old.
Structure routine
Remove her if she hits
Consider the communication behind the behaviour

The child is not a 15 year old ! She does not even know what a privilege is

Hitting back is not the answer
Please dont follow peradua

I think she is definitely too young to understand yet. I believe even Supernanny says the naughty step is for over 2s only.

My 23 month old keeps hitting and kicking me while saying Hit! and Kick! He thinks it’s the same as hugging and kissing. I just keep telling him gently that we don’t hit or kick. Eventually it will sink in.

Totally following this for the good advice.

We have the same with our 20 month old DS OP so I feel your pain. It started all aimed at me, daddy can do no wrong, no he does it with daddy a bit too. He literally runs & head butts me, throws things at me, scratches me, pushes me. We have an open plan house so a step or bedroom is difficult but definitely necessary but he just wails for so long I don’t know how to then “make up”. But it had got better til lockdown so it will do for you (& we need to implement again)
Nursery say he’s as good as gold, a great sharer & friendly to all 🤔🤷‍♀️

Sorry I meant the good advice on the first page more!

DD started hitting, kicking, spitting, slapping around 3. She wouldn't stay on the naughty step, far too defiant nor did walking away as she'd be in hot pursuit, saying '' ouch'' was also lost on her!

I changed tact, and instead, I'd pick her up and say ''It is not kind to hit. Mummy doesn't like it. We don't hit other people, ever'', put her in her cot bed and close the door. I'd then leave her for a few minutes, go back and ask if she was ready to say sorry. If I got a mouthful back or she hit me again, then she stayed a bit longer until she was ready to say sorry & hug. Consistency and zero tolerance was key. It was very hard to and I felt terribly guilty but in retrospect, I'm glad I did it. It took a while but it then it stopped never to happen again. It's horrid when its happening, but it does end! For the rest, praise the good and ignore the rest.

It's hard to not take this kind of thing personally but truly it's an expression of their frustration / need for attention ( they have to learn so much as toddlers, and it's hard work!). Helping children manage their emotions isn't easy business!

With dd, I read 'hands are not for hitting' along with other book in the series to her (teeth are not got biting etc). She seemed to accept these as gospel because it was a book telling her how to behave and not 'mean old mummy'. I got them used from amazon for a reasonable price

I'm glad you have received some constructive suggestions. Being a single parent is tough at the best of times is tough.

There was a brilliant series about 15 years ago called the house of tiny tearaways. Famikys needing help with under 5s lived in a house for a week and were helped by Dr Tanya Byron. I think she is fantastic.
She explains how time out should be done and why. Really clear.
You can watch all the episodes on youtube real families. I know the first 2 sets of families in series one had a single parent. And she guided them through time out.

We had this. My DD has always been headstrong and lashes out when she doesn't get her own way. Things drastically improved after we removed dairy from her diet, she slept better so had more patience and was generally in a better mood. Also we introduced a 'calm down' glitter bottle and instead of any consequences (as she didn't understand them) when she hits we sit in a calm down area with the bottle or a light up bedtime turtle thing. She knows she is also allowed to hit a pillow and she has an 'angry ball' (stress ball) for when we go on our daily walk.

The key for me is staying with her during the calm down time, she goes wild if I try to leave her in her room or a 'naughty step' or anything like that. I restrain her safely as much as possible, she generally gets distracted with the lights or bottle, or tires herself out and the anger subsides. We lie down together and she's quickly wanting hugs and saying sorry.

It's so hard, you have my every sympathy! She's a bit older now but still has terrible mood swings and I think it's all connected to routine and control, so with the lockdown she's struggling with the routine change. I'm hoping we'll come through it soon!

This

truly it's an expression of their frustration / need for attention ( they have to learn so much as toddlers, and it's hard work!). Helping children manage their emotions isn't easy business!