How can i stop my toddler from hurting me?

[Changedusername3]

Hi, this might sound silly but its getting me down. My toddler is continuously hitting me atleast once a day when she doesn't get her own way or sometimes just for what feels like the sake of it. I obviously say "no thats naughty" and tell her off but its clearly not working. Ive tried putting her on a naughty step and she will just hysterically cry and i end up taking her off it as concerned about next door complaining of the noise. I dont know what to do or where i have went wrong. I strongly believe not to smack her back as its encouraging violence. She is starting to actually hurt me and its making me really upset. Im also worried about when she starts nursery/school if her behaviour continues i dont want her to be that horrible nasty child. Shes fantastic in so many ways this is just her one downfall. I feel like a failure

sorry i meant to say at the end. Does anybody have any experience or know ways i can deal with this?

Are you explaining why hitting is bad? Ie it hurts etc

I had this problem with DD. We tried all the “gentle hands”, “that hurts”, redirecting her attention, etc. stuff and none of it worked at all. What did work was absolutely zero tolerance- the second she hit or scratched me, she was marched to her room with her door shut and left there for 1-2 minutes. If she came out and hit me again she would go straight back in. It took about 3 days of doing this quite a lot (and yes she howled and banged on the door!) before it started to get less and less and now she barely ever does it. Honestly it made it easier to keep my cool too as I could sit down and take a few breaths instead of getting frustrated and tempted to shout at her.

I would turn and walk off. She's too young to understand the naughty step imo or even particularly that it hurts you - empathy involves putting yourself in someone else's shoes, which is quite a leap and doesn't happen until ages 5 up. If you say no, then immediately spin on your heel and walk off, then you're 1. getting yourself out of harms way and 2. Taking the attention she gets for hitting away, which acts as a punishment in itself. All attention is 'good' even if it's for something 'bad'. You can back this up by praising her for nice behaviours instead.

Also just wanted to say that I totally understand how upsetting it is- it really got me down and I felt like it was hurting our relationship as I didn’t want to get down and play with her knowing she’d whack me any minute. We’re back to being best buddies now- I know it feels like it lasts forever but it doesn’t!

If you're holding her at the time then plop her into the floor!

@riotlady thank you for your advice. She has literally just hit me again, i done what you said and put her in her room. She is screaming! Going to try this for a few days though. Yes i feel as though i just dont want to sit and play with her anymore because of it and i cried this morning as it actually really hurt when she hit me!

@Indecisivelurcher Thank you for your reply. I have tried walking away and ignoring her but she follows me and carries on being violent or throws things at me as im ignoring her..

@Changedusername3 no worries! Best of luck :)

@GrumpyHoonMain I do say it hurts etc but i dont think she quite understands what i mean. She in 2 in a few months so still learning with what certain words mean

Lots of good advice here already. But just to add, she wants your attention, not your approval. She doesn't care if the attention is good or bad. And too little to understand explanations or be negotiated with. Unwanted behaviour ignore her. Wanted behaviour give loads of attention. She'll learn so fast.

Is ‘fake crying’ by the parent acceptable these days? Worked for me 16 years ago.

I found the Aha! parenting website utterly brilliant- lots of really practical information that works. She explains the whole approach in a really understandable way from the child and the parents perspective. It worked wonders in my household.

I'm sorry I can't add any advice but my sister has had this problem and it can be really upsetting, so you're not alone

Only thing I was going to say is, if you're worried your neighbour might complain could you speak to them upfront? I know not everyone has neighbours they can talk to but if you have, then maybe give them a heads up, they might be more understanding.

Hope things settle soon for you and your DD.

@Discoballs thank you for your reply, yes i make sure i give her loads of attention when she is good, i dont think being stuck inside with only the garden is doing her much good which i understand. But this behaviour started well before the lockdown although being stuck in has made it worse!

@wombandovaries thank you i will 100% take a look at that!

@PenelopeFlintstone i tried this ha ha! unfortunately DD wasn't arsed and laughed at me

Naughty step worked well for me. Ds didn't hit though.

@GingerFigs I really hope things turn out ok for your sisterit is mentally draining.

I have got to be the most shy person ever when it comes to speaking to strangers so i might just post a note instead. Unsure really what to say on the note though as dont want to tell them my child is being violent with me! I just love DD so much and i feel like she hates me!

Firstly, you're not a failure. I don't know a single child who hasn't gone through a pinching/slapping/biting/hair pulling stage.

Imagine being in a world where you understand it, but don't have the words to express your emotions? This is a toddlers world every day.

As PP have said, no attention is generally the best response. Whether that be by putting her in the room and walking away, or simply just getting up and walking away and starting another task.

Also, although I think you're already doing this, always explain why you're saying no. For example, "no because that hurts mummy's arm"

My DS when through a 'nipping' stage, and we put it down to when he was overtired, so often there is a 'justified' reason. I say 'justified' very loosely...

My DD is like this a bit, mainly when she's having a tantrum (usually caused by me telling her she can't steal all her twin brothers toys for the sake of it!) she then has a meltdown and starts flailing, recently she's taken to swiping at my eyes with her rather sharp nails .

My DD is 2yo and I will put her on my lap (with her facing away to minimise risk of her actually scratching my eyes) I'll place my arms around her securely enough to hold her in place, rest my chin on the top of her head and rock her side to side, explain that hitting is wrong and why, as calmly as I can and I try to keep my voice quiet so she has to quiet herself to listen - it can take a while but I keep going until she starts to settle.

All the while I say I understand why it must be hard for her to hear 'no' and that her emotions aren't invalid but her behaviour is wrong when it comes to hitting out at me or her brother.

It can take a while, usually leaves me with ringing in my ears from the piercing wails and aching arms from having to hold her without pinning her (if that makes sense?) and since implementing this I've at least come away with less injuries!

Now I don't know the age of your DD (or strength!) - but I adapted mine from the technique of holding the childs arms to their sides, getting down to eye level and explaining face to face, my DD isn't quite at the stage where I can do that one, so this was the next best thing I could manage.

Good luck OP, my little sister was a biter when we were growing up, but it wasn't pleasant to live with so I hope you see improvement from your DD soon

You can back this up by praising her for nice behaviours instead
Wholeheartedly agree with this. We had the same problem with our son when he was a toddler. It was so difficult (injuring his sister and others) that we had a few sessions with child behavioural nurse.

This one strategy really worked >
First thing in the morning say that if she doesn't hurt you all morning, she can then have.......(whatever reward would really please her)
Then same thing for the afternoon
Then at bedtime reminding how lovely the day had been and how nice her rewards were.

Worked for us, it's called positive reinforcement.

Sympathy OP I know how you feel.
But remember, this will pass then you can get ready for teenage years!! Arrrgh....

Another vote for the naughty step/time out option here. To be honest, I had one child with some speech delays and one who is extremely smart, speaking and understanding above her age and I would not expect either of them to have properly understood the concept that this is wrong or hurts someone else at that age. I am always a little bemused by people who think you can rationalise with a child who is not even two.

The point about time out is to be 100% consistent with a zero tolerance approach but ALSO for it to be age appropriate in terms of timing - so really 2 minutes or, at most, 3. I'd be inclined for 2. During this time, the child is ignored as they shout/scream. At the end, you return. Hugs. Mummy is sorry you're upset but if you hit you have to sit here alone. Let's go play with some lego....

DS went through a phase of hitting and we stuck him on the naughty step what felt like 100 times a day. But within a week it was almost over and within 2 he'd stopped completely. D Nephew on the other hand is still doing it and is nearly 4. DD wants nothing to do with him as he regularly hits her. SIL either shouts at him and does nothing or tries to reason with him. But he doesn't get it because all he knows is that the moment things are a little boring, if he hits someone, especially his cousin, he gets lots and lots of attention.

Oh, and depending on child, step or bedroom varies. DS would have been terrified to be left in his bedroom alone so we did step. Other children would just run off the step so need bedroom. Our nanny has a charge who she finds the best option is to put them on their bottom in the room they're all already in but then just ignore that child for the 2 minutes. You have to work that one out for yourself.

We are (hopefully) just coming to the end of this phase with DD3.

It has been really tough. Biting, hitting and hitting me with things. And not when she is necessarily angry or frustrated.

What has actually stopped it is the lockdown. We have been together all the time for 3 weeks now and I realise that a lot of her behaviour has been through separation anxiety and not enough attention. Things have massively calmed down now she is comfortable that I am not going anywhere.

I would definitely focus on redirection rather than saying no all the time or punishing. It just seems to escalate things and whilst it might make me feel better, it isn't helping her.

I say gentle hands and show her how to touch me in a gentle way. It is a bit of a slog but well worth it.

They don't really understand empathy so sometimes it needs to be acted out. You could try self talk

'aww poor mummy. She's so sad she's been hurt. How sore. I'll rub mummy's arm until it's all better. What a shame that ... was so mean to mummy and made her so sad. Mummy doesn't feel like playing with ... anymore because her arm is so sore and she is so sad... etc'

Also works when they harm another child / person. Give the sympathy etc to the hurt child and act through it.