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Original poster

Lockdown and maintenance

18 replies

chunkycucumber · 25/03/2020 12:33

Hi! Quick background, I have 2 DC, no partner. Ex has a live in partner and now has 1 DC with her.

Ex has said that he will not be seeing DC for the next 28 days due to the awful ongoing situation. I know the government website says children can travel between houses, but he does not want to do this. Fine, no problem.

Ex pays me a monthly amount, way under what the CSA says he should be paying (he said if I went to the CSA then he wouldn't be flexible and help with DC so he pays me what he thinks he should).

As I will now be having DC solidly for a month, I asked whether he would be willing to help out a little extra as my bills (electric, water, food) are going to sky rocket, whereas his will be less as he won't be having DC. I got a flat 'No, don't be ridiculous of course I'm not going to give you any extra'.

Am I being unreasonable here? I wasn't asking for hundreds, just a little extra to cover having DC here 24/7. There is 2 incomes going to his household with 1 DC, I have 1 income with 2! Smile

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 25/03/2020 12:35

Go via CMS. You should have done it to begin with. No excuses not to now.

flossyflorenceflounces · 25/03/2020 12:36

You'll be saving money on other things though presumably? Petrol etc?
I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask though it hadn't occurred to me to ask but it's irrelevant that his household has two incomes as his partner's money is her money and not his.

gamerchick · 25/03/2020 12:37

Go through CMS, you're going to be doing it alone anyway and he isn't helping when it comes to his own kids. They're his kids Hmm

Personally id make him go through the courts for a proper contact order when this is done. Take some control back.

Original poster
chunkycucumber · 25/03/2020 12:41

@AnotherEmma I did go to the CSA originally, but he said if I didn't drop the case then he wouldn't be flexible with DC. So I dropped it, he decided on a figure and then he 'helped' out with the kids more

OP posts:
yellowfishes · 25/03/2020 12:43

He should be paying the CMS amount. That's money that's owed to his children.

NChangeForNoReason · 25/03/2020 12:43

Now he is t helping out, go to the csa - nothing stopping u. The extra money u get can help towards a reliable babysitter when things have settled down a bit

Original poster
chunkycucumber · 25/03/2020 12:46

@yellowfishes I have explained that it is money for his children, but he said why should he have pay that much and also be flexible when I need him to be, as that's unfair

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 25/03/2020 12:49

Well he's wrong and a twat

AnotherEmma · 25/03/2020 12:52

What's the difference between the amount he's been paying and the amount he should have been paying?

In other words, how much has he been charging you for his flexibility with the child contact arrangements?

ArnoldBee · 25/03/2020 12:57

The converse to this is that DSD has been here for the past week and a half as her mother has been self isolating after she arrived and my DH has now lost his job. The maintenance paid will still remain the same though and I doubt we'll be getting a refund!

Original poster
chunkycucumber · 25/03/2020 12:57

@AnotherEmma - he's been 'charging' me £130 a month to be flexible?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 25/03/2020 13:08

Wow, just think how many hours of babysitting you could have got for that money.

Or how much money you could have put in savings for the DCs.

timetest · 25/03/2020 15:39

I’m with gamer chick on this one. CMS and court ordered contact. Exs who who pull stunts like this are just awful parents.

SoloMummy · 25/03/2020 17:20

How much do you actually need him to be flexible to benefit you?

I'd say get the right maintenance and then you could always pay for a babysitter etc.

Original poster
chunkycucumber · 25/03/2020 19:35

@SoloMummy Well he works random shifts, never know more than 8 weeks in advance, and his idea of being flexible is basically letting me take part in the discussion of when he is going to have DC, rather than just telling me... Helping with school holidays... Having DC for a few days if I want to go away once a year etc.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 25/03/2020 22:11

This is a great opportunity now for you to take back control
Go to CMS, get the correct amount. Moving forward when he tells you when he will be having the kids you deploy the "that doesn't work for me" line.
I'm sure you're keen for your children to have a good relationship with their father- but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to enable it.

Original poster
chunkycucumber · 26/03/2020 08:06

I think the CMS amount will have probably gone down now due to ex having another child, so I'm not sure how much I'd be entitled too. I actively encourage DC to have a good relationship with him, I'm just sick and tired of everything to do with them being dictated by ex, money, when he sees them, when I can have some time away and for how long etc.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 26/03/2020 19:11

Another child doesn't lower it hugely. Stop letting him dick you about. Go to cms, get the right amount set and his shifts are his problem. Look for alternative childcare so you don't have to rely on him. It's immensely freeing to be in that position. My ex used to threaten not to come and get the kids on his weekend unless I did things exactly his way. When I called his bluff and said fine, don't come then if you can't get here til X time.

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