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Original poster

Sharing children if/when lockdown happens

26 replies

WarIsPeace · 23/03/2020 10:00

Seperated 2 years almost.

Currently sharing child time like we do in the holidays so chunks of days with each parent. I work, he doesn't. I'm a key worker so shift work and weekends too.

If (when) we go to lockdown will we have to choose one parent to keep the children?

Or allow the ex to stay here Sad so that we can both see them?

I can't keep them and work once the situation changes. And cannot bear the idea of him keeping them, I'm not sure he'd cope.

Much as I can't bear him, I'm considering allowing him to stay here. Is there another way I've not thought of?

OP posts:
Herja · 23/03/2020 10:04

I'm shit scared of the same thing too! Ex and I have agreed that if we must, we will temporarily move back in together... I'd rather that than one of us not see the children, but it will literally drive me mad. I mean very literally, I was psychotic before he left, lifted almost instantly once he did.

I have been greatly reassured by the Spanish lockdown AMA, where the woman said shared care is still allowed! If there's is the harshest in Europe, we should be ok. I hope and pray anyway.

Herja · 23/03/2020 10:05

Theirs *

Original poster
WarIsPeace · 23/03/2020 10:08

That's just it. He's such an arsehole that the kids would hate to be with him only for weeks on end.

However I simply can't look after and work, he only has them when I'm working generally.

And my job is genuinely essential. But my children need to be happy and safe.

I think I'd have to consider it even though I can't think of anything worse. Urgh

OP posts:
Original poster
WarIsPeace · 23/03/2020 10:08

And yy I've been so happy since he went Sad

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 23/03/2020 10:11

These are unusual times. It's a one off and I think you'll need to be prepared for the children to go to their fathers. In any event wouldn't you want to minimise contact with them to safeguard them if things continue to deteriorate

Original poster
WarIsPeace · 23/03/2020 10:26

Keeping them away from him for long periods is safeguarding them though, tbh.

OP posts:
LaStreng · 23/03/2020 10:32

I'm in a similar boat. I'm not a keyworker but I left H a month ago and he's abusive/controlling.

If I stopped contact he'd flip his lid and ignore any social distancing and storm over to bang on the door etc. But I hate DS going over there rn. I'm scared he'll catch it. I'm more stressed about this shared contact and how to handle this than the actual virus.

AustinRd · 23/03/2020 17:13

I spoke with my solicitor about this today as my final hearing is likely to be adjourned due to the current situation. Their take was should we go to formal lockdown (as opposed to social distancing as we have now) then it’s highly likely that other methods of keeping in touch would be proposed ie FT, phone, Zoom etc. Other countries have specifically instructed court ordered arrangements to be suspended. It’s potentially a lose lose for all but it’s a very unique set of circumstances and nothing is clear as all are finding their way through this. Lockdown will be with the “live with” RP. Please this is only 1 view and not set in stone

unicornsarereal72 · 23/03/2020 17:43

I have had this conversation with the kids dad about moving back if we go into lock down. I work from home and my eldest can not do school work independently. And I'll be damned if I'm doing it all.

I don't really want him here but it is the lesser of the 2 evils. I have all ready pre warned the kids how this will look and said is coming to help whilst schools are shut. Etc

I don't see any other way I can work. Or get shopping. And stay sane over the next 3 months.

maddy68 · 23/03/2020 17:50

In Spain they are in lockdown but allowed to take children to the other parent don't worry

toobusytothink · 23/03/2020 17:51

Why can’t the children go between houses? Lick down is to protect others if you have no symptoms. As long as you are both self isolating and locked down in your own houses then a car trip twice a week is surely ok?

toobusytothink · 23/03/2020 17:51

Lock down obviously 😄...

Fedupandpoor · 23/03/2020 17:55

I can't have ex DP here. I just can't. He is addicted to weed so would find a way to lie to get out to buy drugs. I know he's expecting it should we go into lock down but I can't. 💐 To all of us going through similar.

user1487238250 · 23/03/2020 23:01

I'm a nurse in Sussex and my Son's Dad lives 150 miles away in Colchester. My Son is due to be with his Dad the first week of Easter holiday, I meet him a third of the way. I need to work that week. Is it going to be Ok to do this now? His Dad had reassured me he will be sticking to the rules

Trinaphysio · 23/03/2020 23:14

I’m the same. Physio in NHS Near Gatwick. not in direct contact with CV-19 at work.
Agreed with ex to continue to share care but he now wants our daughter to lockdown with him and his gf in Canterbury so I won’t see her at all. His gf is a key worker so in my opinion the same risk as me?
Will we be allowed to transport her back and forth from Canterbury to Gatwick? Should we?? She wants to be with me. What do I do??

maybelle4 · 23/03/2020 23:17

@trinaphysio I’d be keeping her with you personally, lock down could be months

3xcookedchips · 24/03/2020 00:37

Government have updated the exceptions and they include moving children between parents homes...

www.gov.uk/government/publications/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others#fnref:1

It would seem they have followed the lead of Spain, Belgium and France...

So, for those parents thinking they could use this situation to frustrate their kids seeing the other parent, think again...

toobusytothink · 24/03/2020 04:42

Thank you! That’s great news

user1487238250 · 24/03/2020 06:56

Does this mean they can't travel to the other parents home? And need to stay with one parent?

AustinRd · 24/03/2020 07:20

Latest announcement the govt covers this. See footnote in the attached, transport between parents is deemed acceptable/essential:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others

Herja · 24/03/2020 07:21

No, very specifically, the government has allowed for shared care to happen. It's part of the care for vulnerable people bit.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 25/03/2020 15:08

Contact is allowed to continue but you need to be mindful about what’s better for the common good. My partner’s ex is a key worker, the kids can be at school but they shouldn’t be as dad can take care of them. Regular contact couldn’t be continued without risking my son, who is in the vulnerable group so we are not taking any risks. Partner is taking care of his kids at his ex’s house and I don’t expect to see him for a long while. I’m sure she may not be finding it very nice either but this is not about personal preferences or likes, it is about being sensible and avoiding putting people at risk.

HalfMyLife · 25/03/2020 23:25

My ex has asked to see our 2 DC (13 & 8) on Saturday.
We have no court order, no formal arrangements, he just asks to have them for a few hours once a week.. Different day every time.
He works in a care home. His partner works in a different care home. They both rely on public transport.
They have his partner's 2 teenagers living at home who are not (in my opinion) properly supervised and are probably still socialising.
His partner has 2 younger children who visit the house, and I have no idea of their wider contact.
I've said no to contact for the safety of the children, but that he is welcome to call/text/facetime then whenever he likes.
Having read the guidance from the courts, this seems reasonable, would you agree?

user1487238250 · 26/03/2020 08:48

My Son's Dad has just told me he won't have my son for his week at Easter. I am a community nurse visiting housebound patients. He and his partner are worried about the infection risk. They live 150miles away and have children .I can only have 5days carers leave. He is due to go to his Dad's in May half term also.I am really worried about finances as I need to pay a mortgage/rent as I'm in a shared ownership property. That's £650 month before bills. My son is 12, I work 5hrs a day/25hrs week. I have to work 1 weekend in 4, which is 7.5hrs each day/sat/sun. I feel if I have to work and he's at home, I could only leave him for 3 hours at the longest. Does anyone know if I 'm eligible to get any financial help at all. I'm an NHS worker. I don't to risk becoming homeless

unicornsarereal72 · 26/03/2020 09:47

@user1487238250

Firstly thank you for continuing with your valuable work. You are amazing along side all the other key workers who are ensuring we can go about are normal lives as possible and safely.

Have you asked school if they have a space for him? Or other childcare settings. It is difficult because of his age. The limbo between not really needing childcare but not fully independent.

I know it's a big change leaving kids home. I started with few hours and now am comfortable leaving my ds for 5/6. He is 13. And we started from year six and built it up. I phone and check on him throughout the day but he hardly moves from his bed.