Should I stop DH visiting DC in their home?

[NoNeedToBeRudeDear]

Really could use some opinions as I feel so conflicted right now.

DH left the family home in December. We have 18 month old twins. He had rented a house half an hours bus ride away (doesn’t drive) and works about ten minutes walk away from my house.

He currently comes round to see DC approximately twice a week, but the times/day varies as he does shift work.

We have been arguing a lot since twins were born and this is a large part of why he left. However it has reached the point where he will explode with anger and shout at me when visiting the moment I say something that annoys him or that he doesn’t like. It can go from normal level of conversation to him shouting at me in five seconds flat! He will shout in front of the DC and did so on his last visit a few days ago. He has mental health issues which he is currently receiving help with but his attitude towards me doesn’t appear to be improving.

I am finding him lack of respect towards me and blasé attitude about shouting in front of our children harder and harder to cope with. He always apologises afterwards but then does it again a week or two later.

Would I be in the wrong to tell him
He cannot visit them in our house? I don’t want to stop him seeing his children but they are getting older and more and more aware of the dynamic between us.

I remember your other threads and I’m so sorry he’s continuing to be so awful to you

Your responsibility is to your children, to giving them a home which is their sanctuary, a place - as much as possible - of peace and happiness. You can’t do that with an unwell angry shouty man verbally abusing you in your home.

He can’t come to yours anymore, no last chance, just no more.

Are you going ahead with divorce?

i agree with you OP that you should stop contactin your house, as he is like that

but question though, are the children safer in your home? or is he adecent father?

could you try leaving the room/going upstairs or even out for a walk etc

give him set days too,dont be too flexible

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert

The trouble is that sometimes he’s fine, so I start to think things are improving. However in reality it’s only fine as long as I don’t say anything he doesn’t want to hear!

I just can’t have my DC subjected to it. I know I’ll be a terrible person in his and his families eyes if I ban him. It’s just a shitty mess

I’ve not really thought about divorce seriously to be honest. I know he doesn’t want that. He wants us to get back together but in reality is doing nothing to make it happen. It’s like I’ve got to put in all the leg work!

I can’t even afford to divorce him now I’ve been left a single mum on benefits

@carly2803 He’s never really taken them anywhere on his own. His current MH problems mean I’m extremely reluctant to let him even if he asked (which he hasn’t)

If I go to another room the DC end up crying for me. I do sometimes take the dog for a walk but there’s only so far you can walk. I live in a rural location so no Costa etc. I can nip to either.

It’s impossible to give him set days because he never has the same rota at work. His working hours are ridiculous!

Have you applied for child support?

You can ask for him to be liable for the cost of filing for divorce in the paperwork. File on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. You can do that yourself and it costs around £500, though they offer a discount if you’re a low earner I think. All the info is on the .gov website. It can feel daunting - been there - but it’s not complicated. You’ll need a lawyer for the financial agreement and a child arrangements order and it’s worth doing as you’ll end up better in the long run.

None of that is what you asked, but if you think he’s angling to get back together and it’s time to make the split clear then I’d consider taking steps you need to officially draw a line

@AnneLovesGilbert He already gives me money each month. I worked out from the CSA calculator how much he should be giving me. To be fair to him he gives me it every month on payday without fail.

I haven’t got the money for a divorce even with a discount. I can barely afford to get through the month as it is. I don’t really want a divorce at the moment. I keep hoping he’ll
Work through his issues and we can reconcile. Unfortunately things only seem
to improve for a week or so and then they slide back.