Am I to blame for my daughter's dad walking away?

[creaturcomforts]

I'm still feeling guilt and can't get my head around the fact that my ex has had no contact with his daughter and has made no attempt to see her in the last year.

We were married for 15 years, last year he told me and our 12 year old daughter that he was in love with someone else, I have to admit that I was just stunned really, I was working a lot of hours and tired all the time and I struggled to come to terms with how it would affect me and daughter financially and my daughter.

He seemed to change at this time and started seeming to start fights out of nowhere, I really blame myself for being drawn in but he was being quite controlling, he would just say I must speak to him with respect and I was not allowed to talk at all to him unless it was urgent about his daughter. I didn't want to speak to him at this point and it was very uncomfortable while he was still in the house as he was often going away to talk to his girlfriend on the phone and I could hear them talking about me.

He would look after dd on weekends when I had to work and he wanted to see his girlfriend one weekend so I would need to be home with dd so he could go. I was tired, I worked nights and got the dates muddled up, he was angry as his girlfriend had booked tickets to come down so they could have the weekend together and told me I was just jealous and a bitch.

He was posting pictures of them together on Facebook and his WhatsApp which he uses with his daughter and she was really upset, friends told me how he was posting about his sole mate how much he loves her etc. I didn't see as he had already blocked me and on his phone as well.

Things were so stressful at the time he stayed I just didn't know what to do but I managed to say nothing as to be honest he was angry all the time at me and I spoke to my family for support.

He finally decided to leave to go to his mums making a scene of banging about the house and pushing me out of his way so he could get some of his things then slamming the door on his way out.

He told his daughter he was moving away to another country to live with his girlfriend 6 months later and she was upset and angry, would not call him dad and that he was a bad father he asked her to apologise which she did. She has not heard anything more from him, she has been completely blocked and has not heard from him in 9 months.

I had the divorce petition through from him and he has said on there that he can't have a relationship with his daughter because he can no longer get along with her mother!

This has made me feel that all the guilt is on me because I reacted when he tried to push me around and sorry to say I told him exactly what I thought of him. This had come after many years of marriage and control by him, and I feel that I shouldn't have reacted at the time and left the house with me and daughter.

I feel so sorry for my daughter as none of it was her fault and she had seemingly being punished by him, she doesn't understand.

Course it’s not your fault. This is all on him.

Of course not, OP. You're the one who stayed.

Thanks lilliot, I just wish I had dealt with things better at the time, still shocked that because things got bad between us he has used it as a reason to not see his daughter. We didn't communicate at all after he left as his daughter was old enough to communicate directly to him at 12. However he refused to come to the house and let her down several times as he didn't want to see me when I always ignored him.

I would like to say that is shouldn't matter if you get along with the other parent as his relationship is with his daughter, I wonder why he uses that as an excuse. I had wanted to leave for years but went along with it and just told myself that's how some marriages are

Classic projection and cheaters script bullshit.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

Sadly this is all too common. Do not accept the guilt for his poor parenting.

Thank you, i know he blamed me for everything, told me that the new partner was in the same position as him, that I never accepted him for who he was never gave him enough affection and that he had tried to make it work from the start as we weren't compatible but he thought he could make it work. In the 15 years of marriage I basically did everything, worked nights so I could do all the childcare, sorted out all the family and house stuff. Most of the cleaning and housework.

People always said what a good father he was though so it's shocked me how unkind he became and uninterested in his daughter.

Daughter speaks her mind and told him that he was treating her like old rubbish. This was just before he blocked her on his phone

He blocked his own child - that is SO low!

He'll be telling anyone who will listen that you poisoned her against him, completely ignoring the fact that his treatment of her poisoned the relationship all on its own. Typical cheaters script to be honest. It's simply easier for them to cut off the old family entirely to concentrate on the new one and any excuse to do that fits nicely with their narrative.

It isn't your fault, he's just a prick. All you can do is be there for your poor DD.

How many men don't get on with their ex? The decent men will still fight to have a relationship with their children.

Blocking a 12 year old instead of talking to her and trying to work things out is cowardly. If we all did that when we had a hard time with our kids then almost none of us would talk to them from teenage years onwards.

Thank you for all your replies, it's his way of justifying his actions In not contacting his daughter, just wish daughter hadn't had to deal with his problems.

Because he never admitted any fault I guess I just got used to doing things the way he wanted so it didn't upset him.

I did get angry and told him how much I hated him and there were some arguments but I feel guilty for reacting and making things worse. He told his mother it was my fault that he won't speak to his daughter and his mother has believed him.

It's just messed with my head so much because for him to do that and leave his daughter makes me feel that I could have done something.

Shocks me when parents walk away like this as I can't understand how they can feel no guilt or miss their child, or want to know if they're doing ok at least!