Reasonable contact for dad

[MG08]

Who defines what reasonable contact is?

I have a near 2 year old and my ex husband doesn't think he sees her enough. He sees her 3 times during the week in the evening, and then has her one day at the weekend for 6 hours. I am looking to reduce this as find the 3 days in the week too much but he wants 4 evenings a week and both days at the weekend.

I know the norm for school age seems to be every other weekend and one evening a week. What is the norm for younger children? There would be no over nights at the moment for us.

Why would you want to limit contact? Is he unfit in some way?

If it can be facilitated as close to 50:50 as possible

How often would you want to see the kids? That’s the answer.

Both days but every other weekend would be fair, both days every weekend wouldn’t

Can’t comment on the weekday arrangement as I don’t know the details about nursery, your work week, his work week etc

The same amount as you obviously

No overnight contact at the moment? Why not?

Because that would require him to actually parent rather than just play, which is all he wants to do.

He doesn’t want overnight? Or you don’t want him to have it? If it’s the latter then you should let it happen as the only way he’ll learn how to parent is to, umm, parent!

Unless there are safety concerns every other weekend is pretty much standard I think and 2days/3evenings in the week depending on work etc.
This is what mediation decided was best for a friend of mine with a similar ages dd.

He doesn't want overnight, and it's not something that would happen at this age regardless.

So is he coming to your house these evenings?

How does he get to “not want” overnight? It’s his child. Overnight parenting is part of the package. Imagine if you didn’t fancy doing overnights either.

Anyway, why are you opposed to overnights?

Yes we still jointly own the house but he doesn't live here anymore.

Nothing wrong with avoiding overnights until the kid is older. Buy I do think you're going to need to up the daytime contact a bit or at the very least maintain the current arrangement. Reducing it even further seems unreasonable.

So he is basically round nearly every day? I’d be looking to actually reducing that and aiming for actually quality time parenting as leaving the house until she is in bed then he leaves when you get back. So he would cook her dinner, play with her, bath her and then getting her to sleep.

It’s not fair he just comes to play, you’ve split up he has to do his fair share. Then when she is ready for overnights it will be much easier for her as she will be used to him looking after her.

Is he quite lazy then? Wants to be at yours where you do the parenting and he has no responsibility?

He should be having her overnight. But both weekend days every other weekend. Don't set a precedent for him having her on the non-school days and you get all the school days. The week he doesnt have her at the weekend he can have two nights during the week. And those days are his too.

What you must remember is she wont always be two. There will be childcare to be paid for. He should be responsible for that as much as you.

It sounds like he wants all the fun times parenting (ie evenings and weekends) while you get the hard graft. I’d say 1-2 evenings a week that he picks her up and takes her out, plus one full weekend day (or every other full weekend including an overnight) again where he takes her out / to his house.
Would the two of you consider going to mediation?

He's never done any parenting, he isn't mature enough to understand what that actually involves. He thinks he's the best dad because he comes and reads her a story for half an hour.

He works during the week so cannot see her during the day then. I also work. He cannot take her out of an evening as time doesn't allow for it due to the time he arrives and then the time she has dinner, which I already move half an hour later then days he visits. I doubt anything would come from mediation, but that's probably a likely outcome in future.

When he arrives go out. Leave a set of times and things that need to be done and leave him to it.

I suspect he will start to get really busy in the evenings.

You don’t cook for him do you whilst he is there?

So what does he do for the 6 hours on the weekend? He can’t read her a story for 6 hours.

Just evenings, no overnights, sounds like he wants all the fun bits with none of the hard work of putting a child to bed, bath, dinner, homework, school drop off.

He comes round on the days I work so I don't want to come home and then go out again, I want to see my daughter too. He wouldn't be able to cook her dinner, he doesn't even cook for himself.

The 6 hours on a weekend is normally spent taking her to places he wants to go to with his parents, he lives with them again now as he wanted to go back to his pre adulthood life with no responsibilities.

as he wanted to go back to his pre adulthood life with no responsibilities.

By not insisting on overnights you are enabling this carefree life of his.

I think your enabling his behaviour to be honest. He is her father so needs to learn how to do those things.

Did he choose to leave or did you ask him?

You say he wants to go back to no responsibilities but your not giving him any. It doesn’t matter where he takes her at the weekends because that’s his time with her. Can you not find a club, gym etc on at least one night so he can get on with being a dad whilst your not there?

Your attitude is wrong. He is her father. He isnt a danger, he is just bloody lazy.

Him working is no excuse. You work too! You manage!

How old is this manchild?