AIBU

[shittingmysel]

Am I being selfish?
I am pregnant having a baby the father didn't want initially - now says he wants joint custody. His actions at this point don't match his words but I'm very aware men may not feel like it's 'real' till the baby is here.
Am I being selfish at this point wanting to discuss care arrangements, baby worries etc? He seems to think there isn't anything to discuss at the moment which puts the fear in me.
We're not in a relationship and he has been given the option to run for the hills should that be the option he prefer. I'm just worried that by pushing at this point I'm doing damage?

No judge would give 50 /50 of a new baby.
He has plenty of time to step up /walk away until it got to court...
Stop worrying op...

I am a bit of a worry merchant

Also register your baby alone and give it your surname. If he steps up his name can be added later. If he doesn't you won't have to contact him when the law requires his permission for stuff..

The father should always be on the birth certificate if you know who they are.

That said, surname is up to you.

I feel like every post I make becomes a birth certificate debate. It's not what I'm looking for advice on.

Verbal confirmation of the df is plenty in certain circumstances...
Op you are wise to plan going it alone - and making 100 % of the decisions will be easier without having to confirm /request /plead with a flakey df...
You cannot force /cajole /beg him to be a decent df - but having a fantastic dm is all your baby will need.
Giving him PR he can't step up to will make your life more difficult...
Try and put him to one side for now and enjoy your pregnancy!

So on topic, I don't think you're being selfish.

It depends on your relationship with father though, as to how it will go down. He's resisting talking about specifics? How early in the pregnancy are you?

My first thoughts are that he's terrified and doesn't know what to do. He initially didn't want the baby, now he maybe wants to step up and do the right thing but also feels obliged to and feels he has no choice? I think if you're on good terms a lighter approach might work best if you want a genuine parenting relationship to build.

If you're not on good terms then maybe just saying you need to talk about arrangements before baby is born? so give him some time to get his head round things but make sure it's done before it becomes an issue.

I think ultimately it's difficult to judge. Once the baby comes he'll either step up or he won't but it's going to be difficult for both of you without worrying about him visiting baby, and his parents and siblings seeing baby etc etc. So you do need to at least have a rough idea of how things are going to work.

I've got 11 weeks to go. He seems to think that's plenty time. I'm a very anxious planner and think this is no time at all baby may as well arrive tomorrow. So I understand I need to meet a happy medium somewhere.
He's definitely terrified and I feel as though he is just trying to say the right things like I want joint custody I'll pay for the baby etc. But these aren't really the things I'm concerned with I suppose he hasn't bonded with the bump so it's much more real for me - at a much faster pace.

He doesn't have the option to run for the hills.
The lo will always be his dc. And if he does choose to run be very prepared for him coming back and forth over the years.

People act as if this doesn't happen but it does constantly. He could choose for you to do it all and then boom age for he's back wanting contact because he's grown up/ has other dc or new gf.

So focus on you and your dc. Left him out the effort in, dont
Block it but don't force him