Huge resentment for baby's father.

[Marshmallow26]

So I'm wondering how people cope with resentment and anger towards ex partners.

My ex and I had a baby 7 months ago and from a week old he was dropping in and out of her life, "popping out" not coming back until the morning, drinking etc.. After many chances given I've finally called it quits around 3 months ago.. He missed her first Christmas, just doesn't show up when he says he's coming to see her, has gone over 4 weeks at a time with no contact.

Hes drinking heavily and picks and chooses when he pays maintenance. I've also strong reasons/evidence to believe he is taking drugs, so I've said until he passes a drugs test he will not be allowed contact with my daughter. I've offered over 5 times a home drugs test but he refuses to do one and ignored me asking. If I'm honest that doesn't even matter to him he never asks how she is, asks to see her.. Nothing. Just the odd message once a month maximum.

My problem is I am so angry daily, how can he do this to my precious daughter, she is incredible!! How can he live a happy life going out and getting smashed with his friends so then I get angry and send horrible messages because I want to ensure he does not have a happy day and he is miserable because why does deserve anything other.
I really really want to just relax and not care anymore but the devil on my shoulder wants to ensure he's always reminded of what he's done...

Any suggestions, I'm ready to close that chapter in my life but I need help with the anger and resentment.

It’s hard isn’t it, I’m still angry at my ex who has seen our 3 year old about 3 times in her life. Doesn’t pay a penny in maintenance. I really don’t know when the anger goes.

I don't know how these men sleep at night.. I could never go this long without seeing my children

I don’t know. I just have to bury it deep inside as it’s not going to change the situation me being angry. If I am angry it just seems to rile my ex up even more, and it’s no good for my daughter to be so angry. So I just moan occasionally but generally just try and get on with my life (my ex barely sees our daughter or at least never consistently and pays no maintainence but finds money for weed). You need to find a way to either release it or ignore it otherwise it will eat you up and it’s not worth it. I’ll never understand him though.

Sounds familiar, I've gone through the child maintanace to recieve money for my daughter.. More just so he knew I was serious, whether he bothers with her or not he can spare some of his drink money to put towards feeding her etc.

OP, you reap what you sow. He is the one who is missing out, you will have the love of your wonderful daughter. You should be so proud of yourself for doing this all alone.

I would stop contacting him. He isn't interested in his child, there are 1000s of men like him, he isn't unique. Let the CMS deal with maintenance but be prepared to not receive anything.
I believe you will be happier if you cut him from your life.
If he wants to see his child he will make the effort.
Concentrate on your life and your daughters hard as it is.
Plan a life of being a single parent and don't ever rely on a man to make you happy.

stop messaging him. Write things down, keep a diary, write how angry you are but do not tell him. To put it blunty - he does not care about either of you.

Agreed, I'm not fussed on how he feels about me. I know my worth, I'd never want a man that doesn't want his child... Pretty off putting

Stop the messages. You're not ruining his day. You're probably giving him ammunition when he talks about how crazy you are so he had to get away from you. (From the Deadbeat playbook) If he ever realises he fucked up it will be too late for you to fix.

Take care x

My ex hasn’t seen my Ds for 9 years so well past the angry phase.

My advice don’t spend time figuring out why he behaves the way he does . Also write your angry messages down but don’t send them . It isn’t helping anything. He isn’t going to be a better dad because you tell him he isn’t.

I found once I stopped encouraging him to be a decent dad I had a more emotional energy to support my Ds.

Absolutley agree with all advice, haven't contacted for a couple of days and feel much better... Its when times get hard, my daughter doesn't sleep at night that I really struggle with the anger.
I think it seems that no contact and give it time is the best thing

I try to think of my silence as both my weapon and my gift to myself.
My ex would be happy that I was wound up and upset so I deprive him of that satisfaction. I also focus on my life and what makes me and DD happy "the best revenge is a happy life" so to speak.
My own mother was a single parent and we were poor but happy as children. My father never saw us or paid maintenance. Now he is approaching 80, been diagnosed with cancer, his fourth wife has had enough of him and he is facing a poor and lonely death. He pleased himself his whole life and didn't care who got hurt. That's what your ex has to look forward to.