abscent father now wants contact after 10 years

[Ziggy838]

My ex is verbally abusive even after 10 years, he gave up contact and left the country when my son was 1 years old after dragging me through court costing me £3000 to fight through his lies. Now My son is 10 years old he decides he want to have his son whenever he is in the country, whenever I explain that I can’t let my son go off with a stranger he send me nasty and abusive messages, any advice on my rights? I arranged a Skype meeting over a year ago to try and encourage contact but it was followed by demands on how I parent and hurtful accusations that I’m a rubbish mother. He’s now with drawn maintenance, after only paying it from the age of 7.
Thanks for reading.

I'd tell him to jog on

You should keep maintenance and contact separate.
Go after him for maintenance through the legal channels (CMS, etc) if you can.
Contact depends on your child - given that he is still abusive and has had no contact, you would have every right to tell him that you will only allow contact through a contact centre ( if your child wants it), and that is for your child's well-being.
Leave it up to him to take you to court for that.
Until then, if he doesn't agree, keep reminding him that if dc wants contact, you will only allow it though a contact centre as he has been absent for so long.
If dc does not want contact, tell him so, and say no more.

I would say this is a warning be careful what you wish for.

Personally whilst people say separate maintenance and contact I wouldn’t go chasing maintenance at the moment. He will see he pays so is entitled . Your Ds is just under the age where courts take his opinion into account and as he is abroad a lot of the time much harder.

I would stop replying

Block him immediately and never communicate with him again.

Did you ask your son what he wants to do?

Thankyou all for your comments, very helpful. I haven’t asked my son, he’s 10 and he’s been upset by his dad already because he was drunk on a call I arranged and he couldn’t remember how old he was, I don’t want to make that mistake again. I think I will cut off contact and he can go through a solicitor if he need to contact me.

@ziggy838 your son has a say in whether he wants to see his other parent or not.

I am amazed that you didn't even consider his opinion.

Ask him what he wants to do

Of course I consider my son in this, I have tolerated so much abuse In order to try and keep contact, for his sake, I could have just stopped contact straight away, but I stuck with it in the hope his dad would change, he’s hasn’t seen his son since he was 1, his choice. Now he wants contact on his terms, not mine! I offered a 2 hour introduction to start but that was declined.

@ziggy838 yes but again your last post is about you, you, you. How it affects you.

Ask your child what he wants to do. Would he like to see Dad?

@angell84 I'm pretty sure from op's post it's all about protecting her son.
Would you let your child go off with a virtual stranger who gets so drunk he can't remember his child's age?

If he wants contact, let him take you to court. At your son's age they will likely take his wishes into account and contact is unlikely to be granted if he's strongly against it.

Cut all contact. Don't allow an Abusive stranger anywhere near your son.

If my abusive ex showed up to see my dds he would be told to jog on and I would not consider whether my dds would want to see him. I'm their mother and it's my job to protect them! Don't listen to the poster who is telling you to ask your son. Your son isn't able to risk assess that situation.

Stay strong.

Thankyou for your support, it’s really helped.

I think the contact centre and Skype are good ideas if your son wants contact, and you're doing the right things to keep the opportunity open for them to build a relationship. I'm sorry you are being so unfairly abused.

If he wasn't abusive I'd say it was up to your son but as his only parent you have to keep him safe from an abuser. Contact is for the benefit of the child and I can't see how very occassional contact with an abusive drunk would be of any benefit to your son, much more likely to be harmful as previously proven. I would definitively block in this case.

One of the things I told my Ds a few years ago was if his dad wanted contact he would have to go to court to ensure it was the right thing for him.

There is nothing in the way this man behaved recently suggesting he has your Ds’s best interest at heart.

This boy is 10 so the reason they don’t make the decision about contact is they don’t understand the full picture.

How could he make an informed decision without telling him he was abusive.

@Dacaday @Starlight456 it breaks my heart that both of you would cut off a father to a child so easily.

I don't agree with calling an ex abusive. I have seen many mothers that are not perfect either.

It is really and totally shocking how many women - do not see the human right that a child has - to have his father in his life.

Or to even ask the child! This is some one who gave him life!

I speak as a person, who was that child.

I was not allowed by my mother to see my father. She thought of herself through every aspect of the process.

I have to tell you the damage it has done. I feel suicidal all the time. The pain at being kept away from him was so bad.

You can control and power over your child now, but that child will remember what you did when he grow ls up.

As adults, neither me or my brother speak to my mother at all. Because she would not let us see our father as children. We have never forgiven her for the terrible pain she caused us

Angell84 I am also one of those children who was prevented from seeing an abusive father. I found him myself when I was 14 and he broke my arm.

I also have an abusive ex who has no contact with my dds and I would not allow him contact whatsoever even though my eldest dd would like contact. She remembers he was violent to me so I have explained that is why I won't allow contact but have said when she is 18 I will go with her to meet him.

This does not make me a bad parent and the op has every right to protect her son.

@angell84

Of courses ex’s can be abusive . My ex has a criminal record to prove it.

My Ds was 3 when I stopped contact . He was a risk to my Ds. Said he wanted to kill himself and my Ds. Would you consider but a great idea to send a child????. My Ds was not allowed to be unsupervised with my Ds from when he was 6 weeks old due to his behaviour. We do make decisions for our children all the time. I would love to have someone else in my child’s life . Bent over backwards to make it happen but ultimately it didn’t happen.

It might not of been the right decision in your case but that doesn’t make it wrong for everyone.You don’t need to break your heart for my Ds he is well loved but maybe feeling about why my ds’s dad was never able to put my Ds’s basic needs above his own and keep a baby safe.

Oh @angell84 save your faux broken heart for someone else. Op stated her ex is abusive, are you saying women should have to put up with being abused in the name of contact because I can never agree with that. If a father can't behave in a civil manner towards the mother of his children then he has to accept the consequences and the only person to blame for lack of contact is the abuser.

And no, where no abuse is present I wouldn't dream of stopping contact. My own child hasn't seen his father in 11 years, his father's choice. I have sent many letters over the years begging him to step up and take an interest in his child to no avail. I have consoled my child and dried his tears. Father's taking no interest is far far more prevalent than mother's stopping contact for no reason so yeah take your broken heart right off this thread and stop excusing abusive behaviour just because you have daddy issues.

@dacaday yes I guess I do have daddy issues.

My father took his own life, because my mother took us away from him.

So it has affected my whole entire life. And the pain and agony I wake up every morning with, is horrendous.

I'm sorry to hear that, same thing happened to a close friend of mine, the suicide not being denied contact so I can see why threads like this might upset you but op is not your mother and her situation is entirely different. Ad hoc very rare contact with an abuser with alcohol issues is never going to benefit a child.

I am sorry Angell84 if my post has offended you. I have never been on this site before this and all I wanted was a bit of advice.I am sorry your father resorted to suicide. Your situation is very different to mine so you can not compare. Here are some of the details;
My ex drank everyday, I would find vodka bottles in his office, my son was premature by 7 weeks and weighed only 2lb 11oz, I spend 7 weeks visiting him in hospital. My ex never wanted to visit him, he said I should be at home doing chores and looking after him.
One night he got so drunk he dragged me around the house by my hair then locked me out the house, my clothes were torn and I was covered with bruises, but I carried on.
After work one day I got the train home to find my ex in the pub drunk watching football with my 8 month old. I could go on but Im sure you would get bored
Now I’m sorry if you don’t class that as abuse. After I left him I tried to keep contact despite everything, he left the country, threw me an email every 6 months or longer, declined to use Skype up until 2 years ago, every contact I tried to arrange with him and my son ended up with terrible verbal abuse.
I offered him to arrange come and meet my son face to face this Christmas for the first time for a couple of hours supervised, he refused he’s wants him overnight now tell me would you be happy to say ‘yeh sure go ahead I won’t be worried at all’.
Your not giving constructive advice, if it hurts you too much then don’t follow this thread.

Thankyou to everyone else who has made me feel less alone in this situation, and all your individual stories just made me feel so sad that other people are out there struggling as single parents under these circumstances. I hope you all manage to find peace in your situations.

Ignore him.
You really don't want him coming back into your ds's life and turning it upside down as he reaches his teens.