Today made me miss my old life...

[Flowerpower2020]

So I left my husband 4 years ago, we were together for over 10 years but we just grew apart, I loved him but not the way a wife should love a husband more a brother type love...he became a little abusive towards the end...I have to admit I would give as good as I got and it was toxic for the children so I had to leave him.

Fast forward 4 years today is the first time we have been in a room just me, him and our 2 children for parents evening. We laughed, we joked, we were civil and It felt normal, it felt amazing like having that family unit and I didn’t want it to end...But it did he went home to his partner and baby.

It knocked me for 6. I don’t think it’s that I miss him, (but I have to say he loved me and would give his life for me - ignoring the the abuse towards the end) but I couldn’t be happy with not loving him like I should and not wanting him in a sexual way no more. I think the abuse made me resent him more...but like I said I don’t think it’s because I miss him, I just miss that family unit and feel so so guilty for robbing that from my children because I was selfish.

I’m with someone else and have been for for 3 years and I feel like my relationship with him is just not moving forward...I want that family life again. I’ve been a wreck all evening, crying and just thinking I have completely messed up my whole life!

All I can offer is don’t look backwards because you’re not going that way.
You separated for good reasons by the sounds of it. The fact you can be in the same room and co parent so effectively is wonderful for your children and is what all separated parents should be aiming for ideally. Are you happy with your current partner?

You didnt split because you were selfish you split up because you had drifted apart and he was abusive.You cant make yourself feel something for someone, if you had stayed in the relationship chances are you would have ended up hating him. Parents evening was just a snippet you know what he is really like anyone can be nice and jolly for half an hour. Don't look back through rose tinted glasses. Why aren't things with your current bf moving forward ?

You can just go forward. You felt you needed to leave and did. It's in the past. You have a new partner try to work on that relationship.

@pumpkinpie01 I just feel he’s not looking to progress our relationship anytime soon. He’s dragging his heels. I’m all for waiting and not rushing too, but it’s nice to have a plan and he can’t even give me that.

I know he loves me but I want some sort of security...

@Blueswede I am happy with him to the point I love him, but I’m not happy about just not getting answers from him...I.e when will things move forward and he says I don’t know I can’t give you answers. I appreciate that and I know you can’t see the future but just give me an answer of well I would like us to do this and that and hopefully within the next year or 2 we can do it...

There are two things here.

1: You've had a glimpse of how good things could feel with your ex, and you're sad about that. Try to remember why you broke up, and accept that he is part of another family unit, no matter how well he co-parents your children.

2: you're unhappy with the progress of your current relationship. This issue is both harder and more important to sort out.

What sort of things are you envisaging wanting to do in the next year or two? Move in together, buy a house together, get married, have a baby? Chuck in your jobs and go round the world in a camper van? Set up a business? Go to swinging parties?

(I admit my first assumption was the whole getting married and having a baby thing...)

Right now that [whatever it is] is not important to your boyfriend. He's told you as much. Your decision has to be: do you want him in your life enough to keep him WITHOUT EVER getting it? I mean really truly never having those things? Because that's a definite possibility.

If you want them more than you want him - or if on reflection you realise you don't mind not having them, and therefore there's no point in having him - you should end the relationship. Either look for someone else or enjoy being unencumbered and concentrate on your children.

If you decide that you want him more than you want them, or if you realise you just want him and it doesn't matter whether you have them with him or not, then you stay in the relationship and stop thinking about the other things.

Remember you already have two children, whose lives are affected by every decision you make.

I can relate op. When I left my exh I knew it was the right thing to do, but I so badly missed my family unit. We were always so tight and it was us against the world. But our marriage was dead and we were only together for the kids.

7 years on I am happily re-married and happier then I have ever been. Me and exh coparent well, but I had to have therapy a few years back as I struggled with the loss of that unit. Even through I have a much happier and fulfilling marriage now I cosying help feeling that it was somehow second best.

Dh and I are too old to have dc of our own and that was part of it I think. I know I’m lucky as my dc love Dh and he is a great step dad. Through therapy I leant that even if Dh and I had had dc it still wouldn’t be that perfect family unit, it would be a blended family which would’ve come with its own challenges.

Theory helped me focus on the fact that I am happy and people I love are happy and that I more important than a contract of family. I also worked through my feelings of failure at getting divorced and my kids being part of a ‘broken home’.
I learnt to have an marriage as well as family, whereas in my old marriage I think it was entwined which ultimately ruined our marriage.

Apart from your partner dragging his heels and ambling along through life is your relationship is everything all great otherwise ? There really is no rush to move into together imo

What does moving forward mean?

@pumpkinpie01 i think it is...we have the odd arguments but what couple doesn’t. I think it’s because I’m an impatient person

@bigfatliar buying our own place maybe, no babies as we have enough kids between us, engagement etc

Do you live together now ? My DH is what I call a drifter, he just drifts through life, no real planning but we got there in the end. I remember how frustrating it can be thou but if you get on great then it's probably worth hanging in there.

@pumpkinpie01 we don’t live together yet but he will stay over at mine 2-3 nights a week.

He is a real drifter and it’s annoying where I am a planner - so 2’different mindsets...he’s the type let’s go with the flow bla bla bla which I get, I do think it’s because I am a planner type person I get impatient. But you’re right things seem to be good and I should just hang in there and it may work for the best

Thats exactly what we were like , we would plan(well I would!) holidays and days out no problem but when it came to moving in together I couldn't get a timescale from him. In the end he moved in with me and my dc after we had been together 5 years and I'm actually glad we did wait that long , took another years to get married too. At least that way you can say you know each other inside out and less chance of it going wrong.

@pumpkinpie01 you have made me feel so much better after reading this and realising actually there may be some hope! I can’t thank you enough; I have been feeling so low and down and honestly this has picked me up. It’s with society and pressure from others which make you doubt things like oh why are you and Mr Flowerpower2020 not looking to buy yet etc and it just winds you up and you start thinking well yeah why?? Then you get angry and low and doubt things. I need to just be happy I’m in a loving relationship and accept that things will come in time - there is no need for a rush!

I missed a number out it should have said 8 years before we got married . I did used to get frustrated with people asking ' oh hasn't he moved in yet?'' Do you think you'll get married?' So I totally get you, in the end I thought actually its no ones business but ours and we're happy so keep your nose out! After 5 years thou i said we needed a serious talk and that I actually wanted us to live together we then set a date for 6 months time and that was that! It is frustrating when one is a drifter and the other isn't but like my mum says - you can't have it all in a man !

Maybe he's happy as things are and worried that if you go down the whole blended families route it'll all turn pear shaped? He may need time to come to terms with it all not something you can put a limit on unless you're willing to risk the relationship you already have.