Prohibitive steps order?

[isaterror]

Having gone through court in January to get a 50/50 child arrangements order for our 9 yo dd my ex is now threatening to take out a prohibitive steps order to stop me moving. His solicitor got it written into the court order that I can’t change my daughters school without his consent (which I wasn’t planning on doing). But now that his maintenance has stopped I can no longer afford to live in the same area we relocated to while we were together.

He earns 4.5 times what I do (£100k+)and I asked him for a relatively small amount of continued financial support (£250pm/£57pw) so we can stay in our current house until our daughter is 18 and the court order expires, but he refused.

He was narcissistic, controlling and financially abusive while we were together but to a large degree it is still continuing over 5 years later, following our split in 2015.

He says I must consult and agree with him where I want to move to and if I don’t he’ll take out the prohibitive steps order but how can he make us stay in a house I can’t afford.

He has said he’ll give me 3 months maintenance decreasing from £250 in month 1 to £100 in month 3 if I agree not to move house, during which time I should increase my hours at work or get another job to earn more money, but neither are possible due to limitations of my role and additional childcare costs the extra time in another job would require. To stay in this area we’d have to leave our comfortable new build 2 bedroomed ‘affordable’ Housing association house which I spent a lot of time and money decorating and carpeting to move into an older flat where we’d have to get rid of our cats and would be part of a much bigger and older style estate. He lives in a 4 bed detached house with land, a boat, a Land Rover, a motorbike and an Audi car. I self represented in court and Am not eligible for legal aid as nothing he has done meets the severe thresholds required.

Does anyone know what I can do to stop him bullying and controlling me? I just want to be able to live a life free of his never ending demands and controlling moves.

I’ve saved copies of his bullying controlling emails and texts calling me pathetic and stupid. What can I do?

Can anyone help?

Why dose he not have to pay maintenance? Is it because your 50/50 ? Dose he actually have your DD 50% of the time ?
Is there no where cheaper in the area you can live in he can’t stop you moving house and would be hard pushed to stop you moving town as long as it’s not too far I believe but I’m unsure on that.

Thanks mumof2and5angels 😀 yes when you go 50/50 they are no longer required to pay maintenance by law. In the current schedule he is due to have her for 50/50, we’ve got a 2/2/5/5 plan. Not that he has suck to it. Nothing cheaper in the current town or area at the moment. Panicking as to find something cheaper we may have to move 20-30 miles away and reduce to a 1 bed place which obviously isn’t feasible. It’ll also add lots of extra getting to school and work and cost more money in petrol. So not sure I’ll be any better off financially and more stress/strain.

Well if he is not sticking to it you can use that as evidence that he needs to start paying his way. My x tried to increase the amount he has the kids so he could save £20 a week on maintenance but didn’t stick to it so CSA told him to grow up and pay the extra plus more as he had been underpaying anyway.
Can you not turn to your council for help (sorry not sure where you are from)

Thanks, I’d have to take him back to court again now there’s an order in place, which is £200 each time, but yes I can do that. CMS are useless they just refer it back to him and then he lies to them. The system is a joke. I’m already on the waiting list for another property but when I put bids in, I’m in like 70th place as I only just reregistered. My only hope is a HomeSwapper website so I just have to wait. X

If your on low income I believe you can get help towards the cost of going back to court, ask your local cab office. Your right tho system in a joke my x increased his pension in order to reduce his payments and refused to declare his bonus which can be the same as a wage (as in such high amount).
Are you claiming everything you can by UC ect. I honestly would look into the courts again I know a friend of mine who is very well off still pays for his son through court order even tho his x is pretty well off too, he pays all school fees, she lives rent free in one of his houses and he still has pay due to some catch about the diffrence in earnings but I can’t be sure he didn’t agree to it during court proceedings but I know he pays £300 a week on top of housing them and school fees. As he says tho a father should want the best for his kids.
Your x clearly has the money I can’t understand why any man would leave there child living hand to mouth and stress out the other parent but refusing to help but putting steps in place.

As far as I can see from the gov website and I could be wrong or misunderstood it. If he is threatening you with a steps order but unwilling to help and deliberately causing you stress the court could see in your favour due to bullying.

@isaterror your doing a great job mamma keep your chin up and keep going strong x

Didn’t you get 50% of assets in the settlement or more? How can he have so much and you have so little? Or has he amassed the fortune since the split?

Thank you @Mumof2and5angels you are right he does earn alot, but is shocking with money and sees cutting the maintenance payments as a way of subsidising his lifestyle. I’ve tried to get help with court fees and costs but because the domestic abuse wasn’t documented while we were together and since we split up it hasn’t been “bad enough” to meet the legal requirement for harassment I can’t get any help. I’m going to the cab this week to find out where I stand as you’re right, I think when there is a big difference in incomes you can apply for a separate order. I can also get a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor too. You’ve been really helpful thank you. He just keeps insisting that he’ll get the order and threatens me with the prohibitive steps order if I don’t do what he says. I do have it all in writing now though so at least I’ll have proof when it comes to court. Have you got a link to the gov.uk website where you found out the information you mentioned? Thank you

I don’t I’m afraid it was a few weeks ago I was looking at it for a diffrent matter.
Me and my x went through a lot of crap and ended up in medeation I 100% recommend it and due to low income my fees where covered his where not. But it dose say that if he is bullying you and intimidation you can seek the courts to over rule and potentially remove his parental rights if it’s in the child’s best interest just be careful as the courts can swing it the other way too. X

@catspyjamas123 we weren’t married and didn’t own our own home so I can out with literally nothing. I did have a well paid career financial security and my own home before having our daughter but I gave up my job to relocate to Gloucestershire when he couldn’t get a job where we used to live in Herts. I financially supported him before our daughter arrived, and during my maternity leave so that he could finish his phd. He had me sell my house and we lived off the equity. There was a lot of financial abuse in our relationship but I didn’t get any of it documented so now I don’t have a leg to stand on. I didn’t even realise what a narcissist was until 3 years after we split up, and when I found out what it is it shocked me to the core as it exactly described him. But anyway, on we go.

Thank you. I need to get some proper advice this week. I’m considering taking out a loan to pay for the legal help as I got completely stitched up in court last time around and have too much to lose this time by going in unrepresented.

How far away do you think you need to move? And how would that work with school?

A court would allow you to move BUT would challenge you on the logistics for school and if a long commute for your daughter was in her best interests.

I can relate to your experience, like you I only discovered NPD once we separated and his behaviour ramped up significantly. I was married so had a slightly better settlement but the pendulum has swung in the favour of aggressive men.

Could the financial situation be temporary? I imagine your daughter will be off to secondary in a few years and that will enable you to work full time.

I am not sure legal representation would have changed the outcome as courts are very keen to award 50:50 to those men who demand it. If he isn't stepping up them document all the occasions, emails to him and your own notes.

Were Cafcass involved? If so I think its unlikely the 50:50 will be over turned after such a short period of time. Once your daughter reaches 11 she will be able to vocalise her wishes & feelings so if she wants more time with you a court would take her views into account.

It does sound like financial abuse and sadly I don’t think you can get compensated for that. The people who can rob us of the most are the ones who claim they love us.

I was married and because I worked the hardest both inside and outside the home I lost out massively on divorce. But it seems you can’t win.

I laugh now when I hear about people in a panic because maybe they lost the price of a holiday when a travel firm went bust. Everyone is so understanding. But being married cost me hundreds of thousands and apparently that’s all ok. Meanwhile I’m left with my kids to support alone.

Hi @Techway I’m not after the court order being overturned, I just want to be able to live my life without him controlling everything - getting the court order for 50/50 and stopping me changing her school (which I wasn’t going to do anyway) wasn’t enough, now he wants to stop me moving on with my life. We only moved to Gloucestershire because of his job but I’ve never settled in, even after 9 years it still feels alien. I’ve got friends and family back in Surrey, bucks and beds so I’d just like to be nearer to them really, i feel so isolated here. But I know I need to put my daughter first so it’s finding some middle ground, and that’s the hard bit. And yes cafcass were involved but that was the complete stitch up I mentioned, the report was so biased towards him it quoted lots of untruths he’d made up about me to manipulate the situation to his advantage, but far more concerning welfare concerns I’d raised about him and his behaviour were outright dismissed and didn’t even make it into the report, which was so factually incorrect it was laughable. I complained about it but was told they won’t do anything as it’s my responsibility to take it back to court if I want to get it properly challenged, which I don’t have the time or money to do, as it won’t change the outcome anyway. The cafcass system i encountered was so flawed and biased and full of loopholes it is a disgrace.
@catspyjamas123 I’m so sorry to hear your story too. The best we can do is pick up ourselves up and try our hardest to start again.
Thing is he just won’t leave me alone and I feel that no matter how many times he bullies me by email, phone or text it will never be enough. I don’t think he’ll ever stop and it’s ruining both my mental health and my life. I’ve been to cab, gdas (Gloucs domestic abuse service) and the police to report his behaviour and try to get it stopped but his behaviours creep back in again after awhile although he never quite oversteps the mark by enough to make anything stick.

Thanks @Mumof2and5angels xx

Haven’t you got ongoing support from GDAS OP? Sounds like you need it, both in terms of emotional support and perhaps some practical advice. Can they suggest someone who could act as a Mackenzie Friend for you if you go back to court?

@isaterror, I had a very similar situation, including a move.The report was ultimately in my favour as the DC were very clear about what they wanted and were deemed old enough but I was shocked at their bias. My DC told of Ex's bullying and anger yet that was down played. I know this is very common.

I think you might have to wait until your daughter is old enough to voice her own choice as I can't see how you can move a reasinaboedistance without impact to your daughters routine. Abusive men always seem to isolate women by moving and it can trap you if you have children. I hope you find a way through it.

Thanks @StrawberryJam200 I haven’t spoken to them in awhile, I’ll call them today. X

Thanks @Techway you’re right about waiting until she is older. I’m thinking that the bigger move is something I do around the time she starts secondary school maybe?. Thing is atm she still really likes being with him, as despite his behaviour she doesn’t see it yet. The way he treats her is largely ok, but there’s a lot of passive aggressive behaviour, and from the things she tells me he is still doing a lot of the same things he did to me, to her, just a toned down version. It makes me feel sick that the behaviours that damaged me so much he is able to continue with but on a young child. I wanted to get away from him so his influences wouldn’t scar her too but fear now that I can’t protect her from him. She did ask me a few weeks ago “is Daddy not a very nice person” so perhaps she is starting to pick up in it. I just don’t want her growing up with his learned behaviours and that the very system that is supposed to be in place to safeguard our children enables abusers to continue to perpetuate their behaviour x

I don't see how a 2 bed housing association house in the Gloucestershire area is going to be more expensive than moving back to Surrey/Bucks?

Surely your rent is about as cheap as it gets?

You’d be surprised @LaurieFairyCake. The New build housing association properties like the one I’m in, cost £250-350 a month dearer than the older council/social housing properties, on bigger estates in the larger towns in Gloucestershire, that I referred to earlier on in the feed. The part of Gloucestershire we live in, is one of the Countries most expensive areas (outside London) to live. It’s full of second homes and stockbrokers et al, who relocate out here to get their children into the countries top Primaries and Grammars so the cost of housing rises accordingly. Schooling is one of the reasons we originally relocated here, but now I’m priced out of the market. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the cost of housing association rentals in a market town in the Cotswolds compares in anyway to what it would cost us to live in social housing anywhere in the country. There’s currently a house in Wandsworth on a homeswapping website for £250 less a month, and I’ve seen others in Kent and Beds for the same, but most people in those areas aren’t looking for the country lifestyle. I’m pretty stuck at the mo tbh.

That's so crap. So hard to give up security of tenancy though.

Are you allowed to rent out the second bedroom on a Monday to Friday let? Is there a dining room you could have temporarily as your bedroom?

Thanks for the idea @LaurieFairyCake but I’m pretty sure subletting is a no no and we’re on a 2/2/5/5 which isn’t mon - fri. On we go...