Sick of being a Mum

[LostatC]

Hi - long story - please don't judge.

I had my daughter 8 years ago - I've never bonded with her.
No one else knows this.

I left my partner when she was 16 months old.
Despite feeling no bond, I've taken motherhood very seriously and have sacrificed everything for her.
I moved us to a rural village where we knew no one so she could have a rural upbringing.
As a single Mum, I became extremely isolated - I didn't fit in - I found people in the village to be very family-unit orientated.
I ended up giving up trying to arrange days out.

Because we rent, we've had to move three times now - the first two houses were beautiful and we were extremely lucky which kept me going. My daughter had the rural, village life I have worked so hard for.
But we have just had to move again - and this time, we are not so lucky. We have had to move to the fringes of a small town and I hate it. My daugher can't just go out on her bike and call for her friends. We are isolated and car-dependent.

First world problems - I know.

But it's been the tipping point.
I'm at a point in my life (49) where I have no friends, nowhere that feels like home.
All I do is work and look after my kid.
I have NO LIFE/have had no life for nearly a decade and wonder how the hell I got myself into this mess.

I've probably been out 20-30 times in 7 years - I used to love socialising and doing things - I used to live in London.
I've thought/dreamed about moving back to a city, but my daughter loves where we are and has made friends here.

I'm rambling now.

I want to leave.
I want to leave this sh*tty rented house.
I would give up my daughter tomorrow if I could - as long as I knew she would be happy - (don't worry - she has no idea how I feel - no one does - I tell her I love her all the time and give her all the 'love' I know she needs - but it's out of a sense of duty.)

I want to leave and 'forget' that any of this ever happened. But I don't see a way out.
I don't get on with people around here, I'm a creative/urban type.
I don't want to meet a man - believe me.
I can't afford to buy us somewhere.
I can't see a way forward.

I'm not cut out to be a mother. Deep down I always knew this - I should have listened to myself more deeply before making such a mistake.

I manage to put on a 'happy face' for everyone around me. I stand at the gates and listen to other Mums moaning and moaning about their half terms when mine was spent in isolated, directionless hell. But I don't complain, because no one wants to know do they really.

I've managed it for 8 years - just wondering if I can manage it for another - how long?.....

Are you unhappy in your work? Could that change? Could you maybe take your daughter to some of these arty places? Even if it's just for a day trip. Most areas have a scene even if it's a really small one. Sounds like you just haven't found your people. Did you have friends before? Why are you not in contact with them?

Maybe you could even start something new in your area, like a circus workshop? Or an arts festival day? Or whatever your interested in.

Thanks @AmazingGreats - you're so right - I haven't found 'my people'

I am OK at work - I'm 3/4 into a Masters and qualify in June so at least I have a career now.
We don't have any money atm which isn't helping so I can't afford nice days out and babysitters...that's also the reason I've lost touch with my friends in London as I can't afford to visit them.

There is a scene here - I tried going to a few things before when my ex was paying us more maintenance - but I felt really awkward being on my own in a small town and ended up finding it easier just to stay in.

I go through waves of feeling strong and positive and trying things - but then just crashing - which is what's happened since we move 'here'

I do understand I moved to a small town (and left again!) but whilst I was there I found that doing lots (even if it wasn't necessarily my thing) helped. I joined all the community groups and went to all the activities run by the library, children's centre, church related, fairs, car boots. I don't think I ever really fitted in and days out seeing old friends helped (on public transport to do free/cheap activities and even that was a stretch). It can be hard work trying to make the best of a situation, and there were lots of times I felt really alone (even in a crowd of people). So I really do empathise. I hope you find a way to enjoy your life more. It can be hard when our lives change due to things beyond our control. Being a parent comes with sacrifices for everybody, but some of us do have to make a lot more sacrifices than others (especially us lone parents).

Thanks @AmazingGreats - it makes such a difference knowing that at least someone out there gets it x

Find a social seen. If your creative, is that art/ music/ theatre there are normally groups for these. It seems your blaming parenthood as the course of your unhappiness when it could equally be that you have had to move 3 times so not formed bonds. The only one who can change the situation is you.

OP, I feel so very similar and I really understand. I now know I should not have become a mum either. I wish I had listened to my instinct, rather than going along with cultural convention and expectation. I have made even more mistakes as I got married 20 years ago and my marriage is deeply unhappy and I am utterly trapped. I also had a second child as my husband very much wanted to. They are 19 and 16 now and I do my very best for them but it is so hard and I feel so guilty. My life stopped 19 years ago and I am an obese shell of myself. I am 49 like you.

I have got through it by just concentrating on taking a day at a time. It certainly is a little easier to do things for yourself, by yourself, as they get older. You sound a lovely mum and it WILL all be ok. Are there some practical things you can do to make the rented house feel better? Does your daughter's father have her at all?

PM me anytime. It helps to share and I really understand you. Don't be so hard on yourself.We don't need to be a perfect mum, we just need to be a good enough mum.

@missmouse101 - your post made me cry - years and years of unhappiness and regret. Is there no way you can leave your marriage now your kids are older?

I can relate to taking each day at a time - I stopped making plans some time ago.

I picked up my girl from school today and felt so guilty at having written these posts - she loves me unconditionally. It's hard. I wonder how I would feel about her if everything else in life was 'sorted' - I wonder if it's external influences that make me feel this way.

Urgh. Onwards.
Thanks for your support lovely women out there xx