DS1 pretty much cried himself to sleep last night because he was missing daddy

[Pinkchampagne]

Last night ex H nipped into see the boys after work, which was around 7pm, so close to their bedtime.
It probably wasn't ideal for him to pop in at that time, but he is working until 9pm for the rest of this week, so he wanted to see them while he had the chance.

He stayed until their bedtime & went up to say goodnight to them, and DS1 clung onto him & got very upset.

When I went up to DS1 after he left, he was sobbing in his bed saying he missed daddy. It really upset me to see him so upset.
I gave him a hug & told him we both loved him & he would see daddy again very soon, and he soon calmed down & went to sleep.

I was upset all of last night following this. I feel so bad for putting my children through all this & making them sad.

You didn't put them through this deliberately. You made the best choice you could at the time. They might have been more unhappy if you'd stayed together? Sorry I don't know the details of why you parted with your ex but I expect you had very good reasons.

We split because I couldn't deal with his temper problems any longer, and I feared it was damaging the boys.

We have been living in our own house for 4 months now, and the boys seem worse for it, especially DS1.
They both adore their dad, and DS1 said to me the other night "You & daddy haven't split up because you don't hate each other. You just wanted different houses"

I worry that DS1 isn't dealing with it all very well at all.

Hi pinkchampagne, sorry I haven't been around for ages and ages (long story). Sorry to hear ds1 is not dealing with the split very well. Both boys are still far too young to understand the details of why you had to separate or to understand that it was ultimately in their best interests.

I guess the best thing you can do is make sure they still see their dad regularly and that they know that you both love them very very much. I'm sure you're doing that anyway. Ds1 will settle down eventually, he just has to do it in his own time.

Hi CQ, I've been wondering where you had got to! Good to see you back.

they see their dad as often as possible, and now he has finally moved into his own place, they can stay with him. (He was with my parents until around a month ago!) Some weeks they don't see as much of him due to his work shifts though.

It really breaks my heart to see the boys upset & crying for him.

Do you think I should maybe stop him visiting right before bedtime?

Hi PC!

Is DS1 OK this morning? Look, he is bound to be very sad some of the time - he loves his father.

I don't have the answer. Part of me thinks a routine would be best for your DSs seeing their Dad but the other part, thinks it's pretty fantastic that he can just pop in and make the most of every minute.

Don't forget - school is back; they will be tired; a different routine from over the holidays - it all makes them fretful. Some of his behaviour will be down to the split and some will be the normal behaviour of an 8-year-old (he is 8, right?)

One question, was your ex- as attentive to the boys before you split? Another, are the boundaries clear for your boys - this is our home, Daddy is a visitor? And a third one (yes, I am nosey) Do they have a room at his place?

Take care. For what it is worth, I think you are all doing 'fine' since the split and it will work out for the best because you work so hard at it.

Thank you 3Gs. He was a lot better last night, but his dad didn't visit.
He was pushing me a lot with his behaviour again this morning, which may all be connected, or like you say, some of it may be down to his age. (He is 8 next Tues) He has also just started in the juniors, which is another big change for him, so he may be more anxious than normal because of that.

My ex is probably more attentive now we have split because he doesn't get as much time with the boys. He is also constantly buying them treats, which didn't happen before.

They know that this is our home, and daddy has his own, which they seem to accept, but they are constantly asking where he is & when he is turning up.

They share a bedroom at their dad's house, and he sometimes also takes an extra child for sleepovers when they stay there (Ex H's friends DD), so daddy's is an exciting place to them!

While having his bath, DS told me that he doesn't like his house, and that he wants to live with daddy.

Yes, I'd like to live with a gorgeous, funny, intelligent bloke, who is good with my kids , too - it is just a wish, I don't really mean it, (well, OK, I wouldn't mind) but I certainly don't expect it to happen.

What did you say to him? Off the cuff, I'd've said that I'd miss him SO much and gone on to tell him that I miss him when he is at his Dad's but I'm happy they are having a good time together.

His Dad is doing the treat thing - he can. But actually, real life is getting them to school, getting them to go to bed at a reasonable time so no one pays the price tomorrow, cleaning their teeth, going to doctor's appointments, making sure the school know about what is happening at home - please , why am I telling you? Except to make the point, you are doing ALL the right things. DS1 feels comfortable enough to tell you everything, to hurt you even, to be totally honest. From the little I have read about your relationship with your ex-, this is not the case with him.

I was going to type: stop doubting yourself but realistically, a bit of self-analysis is a good thing, but do stop beating yourself up; you are doing your best; your boys are safe; they probably have a better relationship with their Dad now than before; and hopefully, there will be a better future, all round.

Heh, that was my sermon for the month . I hope you wake up today, feeling good, positive and go give your lovely boys loads of tickles and hugs and that your day goes from good to better.

Thanks, 3Gs, you speak a lot of sense.

When DS mentioned how he wanted to live with daddy & that he didn't like his house, I asked him what he didn't like about his house.
He just told me that he thought it was boring & he preferred daddy's house.
I guess daddy's house is still a bit of a novelty, so I shouldn't take it too personally.

I told DS that daddy has to work a lot, but sees him as much as he can, and that I like having him here with me.
To this he said "Well you can look after me while daddy is at work, and then I'll go back to daddy's!"

I worry that I am becoming the dull parent now that we are separated, and I worry that I'm not getting it right on my own.

They have had lots of changes to cope with, and I guess I need to expect a lot of the reactions I'm getting from them, but it's hard.

I went into fill out the forms for DS2 starting school on Wednesday, and the new teacher (new to the school) asked if there had been any recent changes like a house move etc that they should be aware of.
I said "Yes, we moved house in May, which coincided with me separating from their dad, and he then lost a grandparent in July"
His new teacher looked rather taken aback, and it suddenly hit me just how much my boys have had to cope with in the space of a couple of months.
I guess I should expect these kind of reactions from them, but it makes me feel so sad to see them sad.

It's a killer when they are sad. It is awful but it just takes time to get them onto an even keel.

I'm sure their Dad's house is fun mostly because he doesn't have to do the routine stuff. Ironically, he is only in this situation because you had to protect your boys from him. Never forget that - he isn't to be trusted. Sorry that is very harsh but you didn't create this mess but you and your boys are still paying for it.

OK, more positively, how about finding something that is "yours" to do with the boys. My Mum used to take my brother to the football - mad woman as she hated football. I go swimming with mine and plan day-trips. Having something special to share makes for a positive time together and then, good memories. Get DS1 to suggest a load of fun things to do at your home, write them down, cut them up, put the ones you can actually do without an immense amount of hassle into a hat and pull out one a week. Enjoy. The more difficult ones could become long-term goals: like saving to go to Disneyland or similar.

Did you ever look into the counselling for DS1? How is DS2 in all this? How are you? Where are you getting your RL support from?

DS1 sounds amazingly open with you - be proud of the communication that is going on - you've taught him that; I really suspect this is just a temporary blip, the low after the relief of moving out, so keep him talking and be extra nice to yourself. Watch happy films, take baths, have the odd glass of something and luxuriate.

I haven't looked into the counselling for Ds yet, but do intend to as I feel he may benefit from it.

DS2 seems to be coping better, but he occasionally cries for daddy, or tells me he's missing him.

I am not sure I'm doing so great myself right now. I get very lonely & down, and I'm really struggling with how best to deal with DS1's challenging behaviour. I'm not sure I'm doing a great job on my own tbh.

PC do the school know about the situation ?? I only ask because Dd1's school can refer children for counselling through a local childrens centre, so it might be worth asking there. Or alternativly ask to speak to the school nurse for advice.

Yes school are very aware of the siuation as I am also a member of staff there, and I wil always make sure my DS's teachers are put fully in the picture.
I will speak to the SENCO, who is also my line manager, and see if she knows anything about how I would go about getting DS some counselling.

Have your children had any kind of counselling following your separation, nutty?

Hello PC, sounds like things are getting hard to handle. Your children's sadness is making you sad but that's where you have to be strong for them.

Remember why you separated, keep this in the back of your mind. You may have to embellish the story for your children, but that's not such a bad thing.

I think your kids need a routine with Dad, him popping in before bedtime I would say is a very bad idea. Keep things simple and they will get used to the routine.

Try to invent answers to their comments that may hurt you so that you are armed when the questions come - "dad's house is nicer than ours" - just say "well lucky Daddy, what do you think we should do to make ours better".

If your son has challenging behaviour it may be time to get a parenting person in to help - remember that you can help him with it, by making his life simple and regular.

Best wishes

No, I was offered it for Dd1 but tbh both dds seem to have coped with it very well. Dd1 can be a bit explosive at times as she tends to bottle things up, and she did cry about missing her dad the other week, but she did also say that likes us living apart, she just wished she saw him more.

Ds tends to be a bit more traumatised by it as he is only 4 and forgets what I have said everytime I explain things. Xp stayed for dinner the other night, and ds said 'does this mean he will sleep in your bed again' me thinks not lol.

Thank you for the advice.

It's hard to get a proper routine with ex H's visit times, because of his work shifts, but agree that nipping in before bedtime is probably a bad idea.

My son is down to see a child psychologist some point soon, as he is being assessed for special needs.
He seems to be more of a challenge than ever just recently, and I am finding it all very hard to cope with.

I do remind myself of why I am at the point I am now, and often when I see my ex, I get big reminders of why I am where I am, but sometimes I find it all quite tough & get quite depressed.

I will definitely try to look into some kind of counselling for DS1.

What special needs is he being assessed for?

Dyspraxia/AS

It's important to identify the reasons for his behaviour - is it because of the special needs or the separation?

i think it is a bit of a combination of both.
His behaviour has got a lot harder to manage since the separation, but he doesn't behave as badly for his dad.

What concerns me is that, when your ds gets psycholgists and SEN people involved, he equates it with your split.

Do try to make sure you don't talk about his SEN in his presence and keep the appointments light. I've seen this before in children and it's v. hard for them and confusing.

I hadn't thought of the possibility of him equating any of it to the split.

I try not to talk about his difficulties in front of him, if possible, but when we had the appt with the pead (the day before our house move, so very bad timing), she was asking lots of questions about him, with him sat in the room. I didn't like that at all.