'Will DC dad help out' Rage!!!

[mumao]

I have a colleague who keeps asking if ex is going to 'help out' with certain things...

Backstory: ex and I split time with DC 60/40 (me the 60) and he is quite capable and able bodied! I now work full time after taking maternity and working part-time. Now trying to get my career back on track.

Colleague knows a lot about situation with ex.

Today (not the first time) she asked if ex will be helping out with school runs... I said well he is DC father so he will be picking up and dropping off as he should be... and he won't be 'helping out', he will be parenting.

Then she went on to say that her DPs work isn't flexible so she has to do the majority in relation to kids so thought that my ex work might not be flexible so I would have to do it... they are married... I said that if they were single parents it would be different!

So I said that my ex would have to get a job that fits in with his child... or arrange childcare just like I have had to... and lots of other parents do... why should I work less to cover his responsibilities...

Anyway she went on for a bit, other (married) colleague chimes in that her DP can't be flexible either they talk about how they do the majority of the child care and it's difficult..

At this point I'm fuming!!!

They don't get that I don't have another wage coming in so he has to do his share of parenting.

I get so angry because she says this all the time and I've calmly explained before but she keeps bringing it up and today I showed that I was angry, she told me to calm down and I feel like now she is barely talking to me.

How can I handle this!? It's so hard to ignore in my office...

I have a friend a bit similar, always desperate to demonstrate how difficult it is being married to someone wilfully too busy to pick up any of the family responsibilities. Are they just playing 'my life's harder than your life' rather than digging at you for expecting your ex to pick up his share? Martyrs I think.

Ugh this is the same as people fawning over a bloke "babysitting" so mum can go out. You know, babysitting... his own kids. What a great guy.
I'm not even a parent yet and it really annoys me!

I can’t stand the baby sitting too thing so annoying total double standards!!!

A woman at work runs herself ragged doing all of the childcare / school runs etc. Her daughters are at the school we work at and they live some distance away so if one has a late event (can be well gone 6 or an evening as private school) she is back and forth all the time. Her H can't possibly ever do any of it apparently. I hate it and want to ask her why she doesn't tell him he needs to step up more, but I don't know her well enough. He's around, home every night but never seems the slightest bit interested in parenting.

I have a colleague who does the "I'm basically a single mum" speech when she's not got the mental load and single income of an actual single mum.

Apparently I don't have it bad as my ex sees the kids once a fortnight and pays maintenance. Surely that's a minimum requirement of parenthood.

I'm a single Mum, working FT. Ex does < 5% of care, no school runs or anything has eow during term time. I get a lot of the same at work as well as from married mums at DD's schools (who do not work). I just say: he does nothing, nothing at all. Leaves very little room for questions :-) but I still get the ''you're so lucky'' comments based on ex having eow (really? on my ''free'' weekends, I clean the house, do mountains of laundry and catch up on work..).

This is a 'my life is harder than yours'' thing like pp said - martyrs. Oddly this seems to be a bit of competitive topic ?!?

Like you say if they were a single parent, they'd have to get childcare. I think you're perfectly reasonable to expect your ex to do his share, that's what parenting is. You're both single parents now. You've only one income and you have just as much a right (need!) to focus on your career.

I wouldn't get too wound up over this tbh. Couples who parent help each other out.

My issue is that people are comparing apples and pears... my 'co-parenting' partner is not the same as a husband and is unwilling to be as 'helpful' as a husband would likely be, he does not contribute to the household/finances/my needs/being a team player etc as you would expect a husband to... it's not the same situation.

So I don't ask him to help out, I ask him to deal with his responsibility... asking him to collect my dry cleaning would be asking him to help me out, collecting his DC from school is not helping me out.

This attitude really pisses me off except l have it from a friend who thinks my XH is amazing because he plays maintenance, has the DC EOW and if l need him for other child related issues - will do his best to help.

Because her XH is a lowlife she praises mine and it really pisses me off.

As far as I'm concerned XH is doing what a decent Dad SHOULD be doing .... no more no less.

It really causes issues in our friendship

I think this just shows how some men duck out of parenting.
They get praise for doing normal everyday childcare because it’s so rare.
Women do it as a matter of course so it’s expected.

I find generally ignoring these type of comments most helpful.

It’s like anything- I am a Lp so have no support or family support, some people get great support from ex’s , same with people married/ living together.. some have partners who step up , some do nothing.

I find you have no idea tends to stop the conversation

They get praise for doing normal everyday childcare because it’s so rare.

So true. The bar is so low for dads, it's ridiculous. Went for a picnic last year with some of DC's toddler friends and their parents (some dads, mostly mums). One dad threw a ball around with the kids for about 10 minutes. All the mums prepared the picnic food, got the kids up and dressed, did all the nappy changes all day, threw a ball around with the kids, took kids over to the swings etc etc etc. Two people separately said to me "oh X is such a good dad, isn't he? Playing with the kids" Noone praised any of the mums. 🙄