Scared, and confused

[DressingGown87]

I’m sorry if this turns out to be a long post, but thank anyone who reads it to the end.

2011 I was with my ex, we struggled to have a baby, and I fell pregnant. We found out at 20 weeks our DD heart had stopped. Over the next 2 years, it was one MC after another, all between 5-11 weeks. We was referred for tests, which came back inconclusive at the time. But my Ex gave up hope, and started a family with someone new.

Thrown into dating life, I always wanted to be a mum, but excepted it may not happen. I went for a private tests and found that my fertility was very low for my ages, and other issues meant that me carrying a baby full term was always going to be a struggle without help. Shortly after this I met my partner, he was always a DP and over time I became a step mum to his DS and DD, and they lived with us 100%.

Last year I found out he was with someone else, he packed his bags and the DC and went. The D.C. biological mum took them off him, and they moved away. I still have monthly contact through their DM, but just on the phone. It was one of the toughest moments of my life, I struggled with depression, anxiety and grief, and tried to take my own life.

6 months ago I found myself, I started seeing friends again, going to new places, got back on top of my career and started dated again. Most of the people I met where nice, but we was just looking for different things.

In January I met a guy, he seemed nice, similar interests, and we met up for a lunch date which went well, and then an evening date the following week. Due to the distance, he stayed over, and regrettably we ended up sleeping together. I was on the CP. The morning after conversation wasn’t nice, he explained he never wanted DC, and found it weird that I had a single picture of my Step children (not my ex) in my lounge. He left and he blocked me on all form of Social media, whatsapp etc... At the time, I put this down to a life lesson, and knew from the way he was I never wanted to see him again.

And to now... I’m 5weeks pregnant, with his child. I’m scared, I’m worried and I don’t know what to do or where to turn. This may be my only chance at becoming a mum. But can I do this alone? I’m already feeling rotten, tired, and I’ve been my GP, and they have referred me straight to the hospital so I can get the injections, support and care I need. But this is also going to take a huge toll on my MH, with what ever I decide.

Again I’m sorry for such a long post, I thought the other sections would help explain why. I just needed to reach out.

Yes you can do it alone. It's bloody hard work though.

I hope it all works out for you

@loutypips thank you

Sorry for everything you've been through.
I never intended to be a single parent but it happened and ex has very sporadic contact with ds even though I've bent over backwards to make it easy for him to have a relationship with him. The majority of the time I feel on my own with ds and sometimes its overwhelming and exhausting but we have a very close bond and that makes it all worth it. There is help out there and baby groups etc.

You sound like you've been a loving, supportive SM and would make an even better mum. Good luck with whatever you decide to do 💐

@Flamingle18 thank you for your kind words. It’s touching to hear that you and your son have such a close bond.

The guy, doesn’t want a relationship with the child, and i don’t expect that to change. His attitude was vile.

My decision is made, and whilst I would like to do this as a family unit, it’s happened. If this is my one, and possibly only chance at being a mum, I’m going to take it, if my body lets me. I’m just scared of the future, and know it’s going to be tough, and aspects of my life are going to have to change, or be put on hold.

@DressingGown87 it's easier to do it on your own than with an abusive partner. Be kind to yourself, remember that pregnancy sickness etc shall pass. I was a lone parent to my daughter for years, with no family support 90% of the time. Breathe through the lows, lower your expectations of yourself, and enjoy the highs... It was a hard time, but an extra special one.

Oh golly! Maybe look at it the other way. Would you regret it if you had an abortion? It’s worth thinking about that.

I’m in favour of people doing utterly mad things in the pursuit of long-term happiness (despite short term hardship).

Ooo, sorry! Your decision is made I see. Well congratulations then! It’s worth it- even if it’s really hard. You can do this! You’ll be amazing!

Yes, you can do it - it's tough but lovely. Good luck

@MonaChopsis thank you! I just know the pregnancy isn’t going to be an easy ride, and it’s going to be tough, given my circumstances. Three hospital appointments a week, for injections and scans! I just wish I had someone to cook me dinner in the evenings, or just help with the house. Plus I work 2 jobs and run 2 business so I’m going to have to slow down. Bet you have done any amazing job with you daughter.

@curioushorse yes I’ve made my decision, or at least giving my body the chance to make the decision. I would regret it so much, if I never was able to get pregnant again, if I had aborted, to suit someone else’s (his) opinion.

I think I’m just more scared that I’m mentally prepared for the worst case scenario.

You can do it. I am my own with a toddler. It is manageable and I love being a mum. He has just learned to say Mummy.😍

Do you have family and friends who can offer support? If you don’t you can get out and meet other mums at baby groups.

If you are not going to get any support from the baby’s father at least he seems likely to leave you alone. I was in an abusive relationship and that was hard.

@Siablue thank you! Awww, that was always word that melted my heart when I put my SC to beds!
My parents will probably help as much as they can, but they both run a business and are very busy.
I’m lucky that I own my house outright, so I don’t have too much financial worry. But I’m probably going to have to sell my company, as i won’t be able to work the hours around a child, and my full time job.

I think the biggest thing I’ve missed since loosing my partner, is the unconditional love I got from my SC every morning and evening.

I’m glad you’ve got out of that relationship, your son sounds like he adores you.

Its totally his loss. Just keep any proof you have of him saying he's not interested just in case he ever changes his mind and spins it as you not allowing contact.
The biggest one is accepting the need to slow down and look after yourself more.
When my ds gets let down time and time again by his dad I secretly wish he had just walked away!
I really hope you have a smooth pregnancy

@flamingle18 I haven’t contacted him, I was / still am blocked. My friend did without my say so, which has really annoyed me, at this stage. Turns out he had never split from his partner of 8 years, but went online dating to see if the grass was greener! His words where tell her to abort, or knowing her history it won’t come to anything anyways!

I think after my scan next week, all being well, reality will hit, and I will slow down.

Yes, I’ve thought that, sometimes I bet it’s easier for you, and less confusing for the child, is the absent / half interested parent just removes themselves from the equation. Either give it your all, or accept nothing.

Best of luck to you OP. You can absolutely do this and you deserve this child! You sound like a very kind lady and you will be a wonderful mum. Dont worry about the father, his loss at the end of the day. Just make sure that when baby is born its YOUR surname on the birth certificate....do not in any circumstances add the "father".

Take care of your health, take all the help offered as you go through your pregnancy. Exciting times ahead! Yes it will be hard but the good bits will be worth it

I'm not surprised it annoyed you! And his response was vile.
Your child will grow up with your values and respect and not with those of a cheating, vile man! And when you're ready you may meet somebody who loves your child as his own and is a great father figure but if not, it sounds like you have all the love and support a child needs!
Good luck with your scan next week, I think once you know everything is fine you will relax and start to get excited and also prepared

Honestly, it might not happen. But it also might. And I really hope it does.

I know you’re scared, but what you’re doing is super brave and scary and exciting. I absolutely wish you the best of luck. YOU CAN DO THIS!

you can do this OP. !! I have, still do. very hard but its wonderful.

The first steps, first words and the first school days- makes al the sleepless nights and worry worth while.

congratulations!

I never intended to be a single parent, but I have been since ds was 6. Yes it is bloody hard work, especially as they get older & start arguing because you don't have anyone to back you up, but the positives are you don't have to answer to anyone else, you & your little one are a team, they won't know any different. Try to not close your company down, try to find a way to carry on, it gives you an outlet for keeping your mind active, working for yourself means you can take your baby with you, you choose when you work & where you work. Would employing someone help you keep things going? Bringing a child up on benefits is hard so if you can manage to work, do it, even if it means having a nanny or childminder to help you.

@DangerMouse17 @Flamingle18 @Curioushorse @carly2803 thank you all! For your support and comfort that I can do this. I will take all the help and support I can, and will try my best!

@Nat6999 I see them positivities too, and our own little routine. I have a full time job which is my career, and what I will probably go back to full time. I’m lucky that i may get reduced fees for a Nursey near to my home, as I know the owners, and helped them build their business. I will have to sell my more physical business, as even at this early stage I’m not allowed to do what I was doing. It wouldn’t be feasible to employ another person to help, even though this would offer the most flexibility.