Playing us against each other?

[bluebunny123]

Hi all just after some advice. DD is 4 and I am separated from her father, have been since she was born.

From the get go he's never been the most involved dad seeing her a few hours on a Saturday and the odd overnight here and there. In this time I've tried for more contact on his part, I've run her back and forward to wherever he is so he can see her. Basically I've tried on my end to make it work.

She's never really wanted to go to him since toddler age as babies obviously can't say what they want. From about age 2 to now I've essentially made her go. Twice I've said no I'm not sending her as she's got so upset to the point of sobbing and grabbing onto me not wanting to let go.

Now she is 4 I believe I should be listening to what she wants more in relation to who she sees etc. She consistently tells me she does not want to go. She cries, grabs onto me and even hides. I have been told by his side that she is playing us off against each other and that now she knows I'll let her stay home she's going to keep doing it.

Just after some opinions on this. I absolutely get that kids will try and play parents off to get their own way. But she's 4. My opinion is that she doesn't really know him or spend that much time with him which is why she doesn't want to go off with him. He doesn't play with her when she goes just sits her in front of the tv. There are no toys/books at his house either which doesn't help. I've asked to have a conversation so want to be prepared and if I'm wrong I'd rather know going into it.

Sorry it's so long and I've tried to include all relevant info any questions just ask!

A lot of people on here will say your wrong and unfortunately the courts probably wouldn't take her feelings into account. But as a mother I totally agree with you. Children should not be made to go somewhere they don't want with a father who doesn't bother to take much interest but probably feels it's his right to have her.

@stressed05 thanks for the reply! I know the courts don't usually take kids opinions into consideration when they're that age or so I've heard. I'm torn between showing her that I'm listening to her when she's saying she really doesn't want to do something and making her go so that she doesn't think that every time she cries she doesn't have to go.
I want him involved in her life otherwise I wouldn't have spent 4 years trying and trying! It's such a hard situation
It's a consistent thing where she doesn't want to go not just every now and then. This is why I think she genuinely should be listened to.

It sounds like a lot of effort from your side not so much from his! Does he want an active part? Are you in a place where you could do something together? Then she has you there but still spending time with him? He can involve her in something fun and you can take a step back but still be present? Of course she isn't going to want to go if he makes no effort to make it fun!

@KirstyEllis I truly believe that he is only still part of her life so that he looks good and doesn't get it in the neck from his family. He doesn't usually ring/text during the week to talk to her or see what she's been up to. It's literally just the given day he sees her a few hours sometimes has her stay and then that's it for another week.

I will suggest to him possibly doing things together good idea. My other plan is to say he can spend time with her out ours until she is comfortable building it up slowly by taking her out for short periods without me.
It's not going to be easy with him I don't think I even said to him that he needs to convince her he actually cares because I'm sure she is well aware of his shortcomings now she's at school and sees other dads. The whole thing is just sad to me because she's amazing and I don't ever want her to feel like she wasn't enough.

@CrikeyYouDontWasteTime sorry just seen this! Yes exactly he doesn't seem worried that she is saying it just that she want to get her own way.. I would love her to go and have a good time it means I get a break and don't have to worry!

Yes I've suggested sitting down and discussing but he ignores that.. hopefully will see him next week sometime and be able to discuss properly.

I think the issue is his house doesn't feel like a home to her. She's got a bed in a room and that is it. No pictures or anything that makes it feel a bit homey and no proper toys or books. So she goes there and is sat in front of the tv or bored. Think they're the two main issues for her currently.

He puts no effort in, I wouldn't send her.

I wouldn’t have continued forcing them to have a relationship.

@Fannia that's what I did last weekend finally had enough and didn't send her. She won't be seeing him this weekend either. Not until we've had a conversation about how little he does. There always excuse after excuse with him.

@Clangus00 100% get that I just wanted to do all I could to keep their relationship so she knows that I've tried all I can on my end. Although it seems like I'm at the end of my options really I won't continue to plaster over the fact he's a shit 'dad'.

I know, I understand.

@CrikeyYouDontWasteTime he did complain actually but I'm not sure what he expects when 99% of the time he puts no effort in.

Stop chasing him for contact.

In an ideal world nrp would step up. I do believe for some reason mums seem to feel responsible for dad’s behaviour. Do they have a planned time consistency is the key .

I do believe in lots of cases it is too easy stop making an effort see if he cares enough to make an effort.

If you turned it around though- and he said he wasn't returning her because she was crying and wanted to stay longer, would you be so accepting that her feeling. Should be taken into account? Unless there is an abuse issue, it's understandable that she is a bit upset at going- you see her more and are her primary care giver. Can you not try and get her more positive about going?

Honestly I really have tried to talk to her about it. I've tried to make it sound exciting for her going on about anything that a child would possibly get excited about. Of course if it was the other way round I would be upset and I expect that she is going to say she doesn't want to go sometimes. But genuinely if I saw her getting that upset would I want to put her through it no I wouldn't. I don't think it's fair on her.

@CrikeyYouDontWasteTime I think you've got it spot on there. I am basically every weekend saying no you must go but she probably doesn't get why. Not like he's enthusiastic about seeing her. Just fed up of it all at this point.