DCs have said no to their Dad taking them on holiday

kitk · 06/02/2020 20:50

If the kids wanted to go would you prevent it?

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 20:52

I have 2 sons 13 and 16. Their father has booked a holiday with his new wife and their dcs. Despite my boys saying they dont want to go away with them this year he has ignored their wishes and is demanding that they go, to the point he has booked and paid for it. The boys have made it clear that they do not want to go amd they wont go. Their reasons for not going are valid and to be honest I have concerns about them going abroad with him anyway but i wouldn't deny them if they wanted to go. I believe a solicitors

I have 2 sons 13 and 16. Their father has booked a holiday with his new wife and their dcs. Despite my boys saying they dont want to go away with them this year he has ignored their wishes and is demanding that they go, to the point he has booked and paid for it. The boys have made it clear that they do not want to go amd they wont go. Their reasons for not going are valid and to be honest I have concerns about them going abroad with him anyway but i wouldn't deny them if they wanted to go. I believe a solicitors letter is on it's way to me. So what on earth do I do? I simply dont have the money to waste on seeing a solicitor at the moment. Has anyone got any advice or encountered this situation. Thank y
is on it's way to me. So what on earth do I do? I simply dont have the money to waste on seeing a solicitor at the moment. Has anyone got any advice or encountered this situation. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 20:57

KitK I'm sorry my post seems to have posted several times as my phone is playing up.

In answer to your question if the kids wanted to go I wouldn't prevent it. They are 16 and 13 so I feel that either way it has to be their choice. They basically dont want to go because they will be looking after the younger kids for the entire holiday way while the adults drink and no doubt arguing. To me that is a valid reason for not wanting to go.

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AutumnRose1 · 06/02/2020 21:00

It’s not your phone OP

My friend had a similar experience and was advised that a court would listen to her daughter who was 12? So I’d hope he can’t legally compel them to go?

FVFrog · 06/02/2020 21:03

I do feel for you, I have older teenage/young adult DCs and their father completely holds me responsible for his relationship with them and it is exhausting, two of them don’t even live with me! The courts certainly have no jurisdiction over your your 16 year old, it is entirely up to him how and when he sees his father. The 13 year old is more of a grey area, but his wishes would certainly be taken into account. It is not your place to force them to go holiday with their father. It should be enough for you to make it clear that it is your DS’s decision and you would be happy for them to go on holiday with their father if they chose to do so. You may have to take legal advice though, are there existing legal arrangements on place regards access?

backaftera2yearbreak · 06/02/2020 21:06

This is an extreme example, but my friends ex did this to her and her son (14) threatened to scream blue murder about kidnap in the airport and make such a fuss they may not let him in the plane. The dick head ex relented 🙄

HalfBiscuit · 06/02/2020 21:11

Of course they don't have to go. They're old enough for their own choices to be seriously heeded by a judge.

I'd be shocked if anything came of a solicitors letter.

I'd respect their decision.

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 21:11

Yes he holds me totally responsible for his relationship with the kids. The minute they disagree with anything he says or wants it's a case of me being difficult. Nothing to do with his dreadful parenting since he left and the fact that he is more absent in their lives than he is with them. They have told him in person that they dont want to and wont be going with him yet somehow it's my fault and he will put they boys in a really impossible position in order to get at me somehow. Its always been this way and it is exhausting.

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AutumnRose1 · 06/02/2020 21:12

I should add, with my friend, she didn’t get a solicitor but just took the approach of “good luck with getting that legally enforced”. The DD didn’t want to go because her dad’s a wanker. I think possible humiliation put him off pushing.

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 21:14

We have a statement of arrangement for the boys in terms of his contact but it has been whittled down to the minimum since he left, his choice totally. Too busy with his new family to even consider his older children.

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Doyoumind · 06/02/2020 21:14

They are too old for him to get anywhere legally with this. If they won't go, they won't go.

pallisers · 06/02/2020 21:15

she didn’t get a solicitor but just took the approach of “good luck with getting that legally enforced”.

I think this is the best approach. that and ignoring him. No one would force a 13 year old and a 16 year old to go on a holiday they didn't want when they can stay in their home with their mother instead.

Whynosnowyet · 06/02/2020 21:17

At 12 and 14 my dc went nc with dh. Despite him having a court order that gave him actual residency.
Your dc are well old enough to manage their relationship with ex.

itsgettingweird · 06/02/2020 21:19

I'd respond to any letter with

"My dcs are old enough to express their own wishes. Please seek their opinion directly"

That way you aren't being pulled into it.

I love the idea of responding "good luck with forcing them" but see that wouldn't necessarily help the situation!

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 21:19

Autumn I think that is the approach I am going to have to take. The money for a solicitors letter could be spent in a far more productive way.

If all else fails the boys could threaten to do what your friends son did , backafter

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Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 21:25

Thank you for your replies. I just get so angry that their father who has contributed nothing to their lives in the 12 years since he left, seems to think it is ok to try and create as much upset as he can when the kids dont jump to his demands. In my opinion anyone who behaves in this way truly doesn't have their childrens interests at heart.

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SW16 · 06/02/2020 21:25

He has to have your permission to take them out of the country, though not sure if this applies to the 16 yo
www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

See what his solicitor’s letter says. When it arrives maybe book an appointment with CAB and see how best to proceed.

AutumnRose1 · 06/02/2020 21:31

OP he sounds just like my friend’s ex

Do your DC see him regularly? My friend’s DD wanted to stop completely but sadly he talked her into once a month.

backaftera2yearbreak · 06/02/2020 21:35

Worked a treat! Relationship was never repaired. His loss of course for being a giant dick!

Original poster

Newtothis2019 · 06/02/2020 21:37

He sees them every other friday evening to sunday afternoon, often he leaves them at his mums on the friday night. It's more the lack of care, attention, interest in what is going on in his kids live that really gets me. He appears every 12 days, fills their heads with his much he misses them and then disappears again til the next time he sees them. My boys deserve better, I thought I has chosen someone who would be the kind of Dad they deserve. I was so wrong!

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AutumnRose1 · 06/02/2020 21:41

OP - my friend’s ex used to leave the DD with his mum as well!

Once you get past the holiday stuff, I’d see if your DC want to continue with that.

Butterymuffin · 06/02/2020 22:50

Can't see how he could actually make them go. He can't physically force them to go to the airport

backaftera2yearbreak · 07/02/2020 14:06

Wait till days before they go and “lose” their passports