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Original poster

ExH using his family on his contact days

27 replies

Ericaa88 · 04/02/2020 19:37

ExH and I split amicably almost 2 years ago and have 2 DD's. He pays me maintenance based on having them 3 nights every week and it has worked well for everyone since we split.

Recently ExH has started letting his mum have the children overnight on some of his nights, probably around once a week. The children are happy with their grandparents so I don't mind I just think ex should be paying more maintenance now he's only having them twice a week? I've tried to ask him for some more money and he says he doesn't have to pay anymore. Is this correct? He can use his family members on his contact days and it still counts that he's had them 3 nights?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 04/02/2020 19:38

Wtf of course he doesnt! Youre not having them an extra night, his parents are.

If you're so concerned, have him pay a day to his parents.

ArnoldBee · 04/02/2020 19:42

Please don't be this ridiculous. Think about it logically - if your children stay overnight somewhere else on your days are you going to give him back any maintenance?

Pilot12 · 04/02/2020 19:42

You only get maintenance for the days that you have the children. You can only get more money if you have them for extra days.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2020 19:44

It won’t stay amicable if you take this approach.

DartmoorChef · 04/02/2020 19:50

So are you going to give the extra money to his parents?? You are absolutely ridiculous.

The number of nights YOU have them has not changed so why should your maintenance.

Frankola · 04/02/2020 19:57

Have you thought that his parents might WANT to do these overnights as they get to bond with their grandchild?

Or are you just trying to find an excuse to ask for more money?

Original poster
Ericaa88 · 04/02/2020 20:07

Thanks for the brutal honesty everyone. I know these are hated on here (annoying I know) but it was actually a reverse and I am the ex husband. My ex thinks she's entitled to more money off me because my parents and brother have had our DD's stay with them overnight recently. It's always been on my normal contact nights and it's been no more than once a week I still see my DD's as much as possible it just gives the rest of my family chance to spend time with them as well.

I've seen NRP Dads get a bit of a grilling on here before when it comes to maintenance so was a bit wary of being told I'm being tight or unfair on my ex.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 04/02/2020 20:20

Or are you just trying to find an excuse to ask for more money

But they his parents... There is no scope for excuses at all.

OP, at least you came clean about the reverse quite quickly. Is she really so thick? Was it amicable?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2020 20:29

She’s having a chuckle OP, just say no.

Original poster
Ericaa88 · 04/02/2020 20:31

It's amicable as long as she gets what she wants- money, weekends off etc. I've had my DD's 3 nights a week since our split and always paid her maintenance plus extras but she still thinks she's hard done by. It's not even that she wants them more nights and wants to stop my family having them so she can have them, she's perfectly happy with my parents having them as much as they want, she just wants more money.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 04/02/2020 20:50

Tell her to do one

DartmoorChef · 04/02/2020 20:51

Tell her to get a job on one of her free 3 evenings then. That will solve her financial problem.

You could then ask her for babysitting money as that's about her level of comprehension 😂

Original poster
Ericaa88 · 04/02/2020 21:04

Unfortunately she's actually threatening to take legal action and has told me the CMS have told her it only counts on the nights they're with me and not my family, therefore making her entitled to more money... apparently. As much as morally it's pretty clear she's wrong I'm interested to hear whether the CMS genuinely consider this to be ok.

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 04/02/2020 21:42

I doubt the cms are that stupid either. It's simple. She has care of them 4 nights, you have 3.. It doesn't matter where they sleep they are under your care. (what happens as they get older and do sleepovers at their friends?)

Original poster
Ericaa88 · 04/02/2020 21:47

This is another issue we have though she rarely has them for all 4 of "her nights" our DD's are 11 and 15 and already spend a lot of time staying with friends or her family where she asks people to have them overnight so she can go on nights out etc. I've never suggested to her that I owe her less money because the kids haven't been in her care but she seems to think it works the other way around and is adamant the CMS agree with her so it's incredibly frustrating.

OP posts:
wibdib · 04/02/2020 21:52

Can you ring the CMS and get confirmation that if it’s your designated day then if they stay with GP, etc on your nights, there’s no change to her nights and thus no change to the maintenance she receives? preferably in writing or a link on their web site...

And then add something about them deliberately trying to extort money from you and that it’s wrong to misrepresent the law and get the solicitor to word it politely to make their solicitor realise they are being irresponsible and unprofessional.

user1493413286 · 04/02/2020 21:56

We actually asked the CMS that question as at one stage me, DH and DSD would stay at his parents where DSD had a room while we didn’t and they said that the days still count as DHs and her mum couldn’t claim more money

Graciebutterfly · 04/02/2020 22:20

So if she goes to her mother home or a friends and has lunch does she pay them for the food she and the dc are?...

Your ex is ridiculous and this is from a mother who doesn't get a money from exh,
CMS have taken over 5 months to calculate and exh has now appealed the decision so that's a further 8 weeks wait.

Starlight456 · 05/02/2020 07:49

Yabu for doing a reverse . These are hated on here .

Tell her to go to cms . You can ring cmo they will give you correct advice . It can take the stress out of payments.

OhamIreally · 06/02/2020 19:13

Actually she is correct that you have to be present at the overnight for it to count as one of your nights.

Tyersal · 07/02/2020 09:57

@ohamireally but she isn't present either so why would it count as hers?

OhamIreally · 07/02/2020 16:51

She is the resident parent and recipient of maintenance. Her nights aren't counted at all but his are as the theory is that he is incurring expense at the proportion at which he is caring for the child. If he is not incurring the expense it should not be counted.

Fivetillmidnight · 07/02/2020 19:22

Work in a CMS building and have been down to ask them...

No. You don't pay more. It's only to do with how many days they spend with her . More days.= More cost to her. She isn't spending out on them so no extra cost to you

End of.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 19:25

Actually she is correct that you have to be present at the overnight for it to count as one of your nights
No she isnt. She cant claim money for nights theyre not with her. Why would she be able to?

letmebefrank · 07/02/2020 19:31

Just ring CMS and have them confirm she's wrong.

Then tell her to do one.

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