Taking DD abroad - dad refusing consent

[Number21]

So since before my daughter was born I had planned to go to a close family friends wedding in April, which is also being tied into a family holiday with my mum, sisters, bil, cousin, nieces and nephew for 1week. At the time of being invited my ex and I were still together and he was invited too. However we broke up last year due to his abusive nature which has continued since our break up, so I’ve said to him he obviously isn’t invited to the wedding and he won’t but joining us and I’d need his permission to take DD. Along with a alternative date to see DD because it would affect one of the days he typically sees DD.

We don’t have a formal agreement currently, so he sent me an email with a insane proposal (telling me who can have contact with our dd including her aunties, what she can and can’t eat, how many naps she must have, that he is to have her overnight every week plus he’ll be using his 26 days holiday to have her overnight) and that until I agree to this proposal he isn’t giving his consent and that none of it is negotiable.

My sister is a police officer and had shown this to a detective who has said that I can still take dd abroad as it wouldn’t count as child abduction because I have communicated the travel plans and he has unreasonably refused contact. I have taken a look at the legislation myself here www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1984/37/section/1 and the detectives information is correct. He has advised that I contact my ex once more with the travel information and if he refuses again visit a police station a week before travel to let them know your position.

What would you do in my position? I am also not only contacting my ex through my sisters as I’ve had enough of his abuse.

My friend had this problem so she took her ex to court to get residency established.

Follow your sisters advice

You need to get everything formalised or he will forever be a dick.

I would get it formalised in court

Just go to court and get cleared to go without his consent. So much easier to just remove the power from his hands

Does he not have her overnight? If so, why not?

That's not really relevant Soontobe60.

This would be pretty straightforward in court, it's unreasonable for him to refuse. You can either do a specific issue order for this holiday or apply for a child arrangement order which specifies that she lives with you in which case you can take her abroad for 28 days without needing his permission. Best advice I ever got from a health visitor was don't be blackmailed.

Also, I'd stop contact and let him apply for it.

You'll have a chance to explain to the court what's been going on.

Is he on the birth certificate?

It is relevant, or do we automatically accept that a father shouldnt have over night access but the mother can take the child abroad without his permission?
It could be that the mother is stopping him having overnight contact so he's trying to use the trip abroad as a bargaining tool.
The suggestion a pp made about stopping him having any contact with the child is just awful. Who will this have the most damaging impact on? Yes, the child!
Op, it does sound that you need to make the contact arrangements formal for both you and your ex. That way, there's no room for debate. But you've got to understand that this doesn't mean you'll need get everything you want and he'll just have to suck it up. The courts will act in the best interests of the child.

Well I was looking at a specific issue order, but it does say we would need to attend mediation but because of the abuse aspect I wouldn’t look to do this. I’ll be looking to do a child arrangement order separately.

@soontobe60, no he doesn’t have her overnight at the moment. DD is 15 months and to date he hasn’t ever looked after DD for longer than 3 hours per week supervised (the length of contact he chose). I applied for cms at the beginning of this year as since I left him in June he has made minimum payments. This is when he asked for overnights, I’ve said to him that he needs to build up his contact with her and also look into parenting classes as on a number of occasions dd had come home cold and hungry. So I am certainly not saying no overnights just merely saying build up the contact as opposed to taking DD to a flat should doesn’t know with yes her dad but someone she doesn’t see regularly. To be completely honest with the safety concerns I’ve had in the past and the proof to back up these claims (telling dd he’d slap her up, leaving her unattended in a bath) I should say a flat out no to overnights, but for dd I’ll let him build up that contact and see what happens. Sometimes I honestly do think dd would be better off without him, he is a controlling abusive arse.. but I don’t have the best relationship with my dad and if one could be established for dd and my ex great. However I will not leave her in a position where she is neglected while in his care or on the tail end of his abuse. So working up to overnight is what I believe is best for DD I’ve even set out a timeline over the next 8 months, he wants her from next month, I’ve suggested mediation, he says he isn’t going to negotiate. And here we are with him blackmailing me.

He sounds like a total dick. I hope all goes well for you Op and you get the court order to take dd on holiday. As someone else said, remove the power from him. Also keep all communication of his attempt to blackmail you to show the court.

Also I’m certainly not looking to get it all my own way but when someone sends you an agreement saying DD contact have long contact with her aunties I.e. sleepovers with her cousins then yes I’m not going to agree with that. Aunties that pose no danger to dd, police officers and paramedics, not rascist nor bigots. The man wants to control me and I’ve now left so now trying to do that through dd. Again I have all the proof, emails, photos, eye witnesses.

And I know you don’t know the full story and some mothers are horrible and use their child as bargaining chips. But it isn’t the case here.

@Mamato2gorgeousboys, thank you. Think I’m going to post in legal to see if anyone has applied for the specific issue order as the holiday is in 2months so not much time.

He is honestly so awful, but I have kept all the evidence of him blackmailing and attempting to control me.

Womens Aid have been wonderfully supportive to my friend. They can help you even though you have already split.

He left her unattended in the bath and she’s 15 months? That’s utterly unacceptable. She could have died. He hasn’t got a clue, has he?

My sons absent father I will add (4 years absent) recently refused me taking my DS on holiday stating he has PR. I showed his emails to a solicitor and she told me to go anyway, as his emails showed he is a controlling man and even admits to his 4 year absence. Passport control cannot stop you but unless safety issues however they will encourage you to travel with a letter of consent (I never have).
Court is the best way to get everything sorted however in my case she told me not to bother as it will give him reason to make my life difficult just because he can. The only way he can stop me is by taking me to court and then he would have to explain why he is refusing it along with why he has been absent for 4 of the 5 years on our childs life.

You may get questioned at the airport, but take the birth certificate. I've been away with my son now 3 times without consent and have been asked questions but never stopped

@catspyjamas123, no he left a 9 month old dd unattended in the bath. Also left her unattended on our bed at maybe 4/5 months, when she was able to roll both ways. All because he wanted to go watch tv.. to this very day I’m still baffled as to why he couldn’t just take her into the living room with him.

@Northernsoullover, thank you for the woman’s aid suggestion. I was under the assumption that because we have split I couldn’t call them.

@SpideyMom, thanks, I have contacted a solicitor to see what they say. It really is ridiculous but nevermind.

If he's named on her birth certificate you need to apply for a specific issues order and/or residency order pronto. Both will allow you to LEGALLY take your dd on holiday in April.

You can apply for this yourself, a couple of hundred quid court fees plus a couple of forms.

The rest... Wow, that's going to take a Lot of unpicking and will be a lengthy and expensive battle

My exh tried this. I travelled anyway, have never even been questioned. We ha e the same surname though.

If you have a return ticket and can show you will be coming back, it's u likely it will be an issue.

As for his blackmail, not allowing overnight contact is not a reason to withhold consent for overseas travel. He needs a reason like danger of abduction, which I doubt he will be able to prove.

No need for mediation where there has been domestic abuse, I don't think.