Hi all,
I'm really struggling with a situation with my friend at the moment, and honestly, at the end of my tether. It's a very long story but I will try and keep it as brief as I can. She is a single mother of a 2 year old, who I met at work around 3 years ago. She is Spanish but doesn't have a good relationship with her family back in Spain so moved to the UK around 12 years ago. After a short fling with a Spanish guy who she met in the UK, she found out she was pregnant. She was really shocked as it was unplanned, but does not agree with abortion and also, being 40, thought it may be her only chance to have a child. The child's father did not want her to have the baby and kept putting pressure on her to have the termination.
She didn't, despite him constantly threatening her and verbally abusing her. She told him she didn't want a penny from him and was happy to do it alone, and he didn't have to be in the baby's life. Fast forward until she had the baby and she contacted him out of courtesy to tell him she had delivered a son. He came down to visit her (he lives about 45 mins away) and was physically and verbally aggressive to her while she was still in hospital. He wanted the baby to have his surname but did not want anything else to do with either of them. The midwife noticed a large bruise on her arm where he had grabbed her and spoke to her in private about not putting up with unacceptable behaviour etc.
He was messaging her constantly with horrible messages and at the same time, it became apparent that the baby had some health issues which the hospital were investigating. She suffered a severe PND episode and ended up in a psychiatric unit for mothers and babies. She now lives on the top floor in a block of bedsits, with a communal bathroom. Both her and her son share the bedroom and there is barely enough room to manoeuvre around the bed. She works p/t at my work and basically has no money. She is a very dedicated Mum and as she cannot afford a car, walks miles to work and back every day, whilst dropping her son off at a childminder's on the way. She feeds him just fresh, healthy food, cooked from scratch and he seems very well looked after. His health problems are mostly allergies (to milk, eggs etc.) so is controlled well by avoiding these ingredients.
The Father has not been in their lives barely at all. On a few occasions he has come down to visit and take an interest, it has ended in disaster. E.g he demanded to bath the baby when it was 2 months old and she wanted to supervise because he doesn't have any other children or experience of caring for children etc. He went mental and called her all the names under the sun and took the baby to the bathroom. When she got in the door, the bath was full to the brim and when she tested the water, it was scalding hot. She told him off and he went crazy at her. Another time he came to visit the baby and when her back was turned, he fed the newborn baby crisps, hot coffee and nuts etc.and filmed it on his phone because he found it amusing, causing them to argue again. Finally, many other times he has arranged to come and visit and then messaged her at the last minute saying he is not coming after all because he is too tired from partying last night etc. There were more similar incidents.
Anyway, she hasn't let him see her son for a year now because she feels he is endangering him, and displays psychopathic/sociopathic tendencies. He is now taking her to court for access to the child and also wants the birth certificate changed so the child has his last name and he is named as the Father. As she does not have any money, she has sought legal aid but unfortunately it was denied. She is appealling, but the solicitor who she initially met with and agreed to represent her is now refusing to help unless she pays him a deposit of at least £600.
The first time they met after she had written down her entire account of the situation, it was obvious he had not read it. His summary of the situation missed out vital information, had other incorrect information and also seemed to be on the father's side. The court hearing date has been postponed twice (once by her, and once by the father), so she doesn't want to postpone it again in case it reflects badly on her. The last few months, she has got herself more and more into a state over the case and I am now seriously worried about her mental state. She doesn't really seem to have anyone else to support her, and I am trying to help, but her messages and demands at work to help work on her statement are becoming a bit too much. I have a responsible f/t job and my own family at home. I have had her son for her a few times at the weekend, and he is lovely and seems very well cared for, but he is a typical 2 year-old boy, and full on! I have my own issues as well, so sometimes I can't help any more than I do. Tonight she seems almost suicidal on the phone, and I don't know what else I can do to help her.
I feel so sorry for her and I desperately want to help when she is so alone and at the end of her tether. I do feel terrible, but sometimes I do wonder if everything is true, as she fell out with two of her close friends around six months ago because they found her too demanding and couldn't help her, as well as there being absolutely no evidence of abusive messages on her phone, medical records to support her claims, and apparently Social Services etc. and other organisations involved have lost all the paperwork to go with the case. She is so distraught and just wants to protect her son, but there seem to be dead ends everywhere she turns. I honestly don't feel I can do any more to support her, but I would never forgive myself if she harmed herself because it's all too much for her.