Mind Games

[TwoIfBySea]

I don't know exactly where I stand on this one but here goes.

He arrives the other day with some money, not for the upkeep of our dts but to pay off some of the debts he has left me with. It then went pear-shaped after I questioned how I could trust him to give me enough to pay these off each month (how I wish I could dump them all on him!)

One of the neighbours, who not only lives across the street but some way down, heard him screaming abuse at me and said to my friend later on that he was "ripping strips" off me. Which he was.

Only he doesn't see it like that, he phoned today and basically said I started it all. I am so glad I have a witness and I am not going crazy but these mind games he is playing, it is like he is not there and makes up the story of what he thinks went on. So I told him that if he wants to see the boys it has to be supervised.

Am I wrong to do this? He has been acting, well, unhinged, screaming and shouting one minute and acting normal the next. We don't hear from him for a week and then he is phoning up asking when he can see the boys next. I know he is portraying me as this evil witch who won't let him see his own sons but I am scared. There I admit it, I am scared of how far he will go to make my life a living hell.

I don't know what to do. I have never felt so alone, I can't keep burdening people with this but he is still controlling me, still chipping away at me. Now I am away from it I see the facade of the marriage I thought I had and what was really happening. I was coping, I am coping, my mum thinks he is doing this because of that. One of my friends thinks it is because I don't cry or beg him to come back.

I don't want to deny dts their father but I really don't trust him, he is not the person I married.

He is being like it because YOU are IN control - there is nothing an abuser hates more than to LOSE their wrath of control over their partner

My ex denied nearly breaking my cheekbone and eye socket - his own dad said that "at least it's not a permanent problem" ... that hitting a woman is "ok" cos the bruises go away(!) and then later in the court fight, he would pretend to call people to arrange supervision etc - I caught him out though and refused to take my ds to the session

Keep strong - you are alone, but you are doing brilliantly.

The witness needs to write down the date and details ... it may be needed if it were to reach a court for contact issues and if it happens again - ring the police

I know it sounds drastic but I regret NOT ringing the cops when my ex went off on one - if they have a record of his behaviour it will carry more strength as opposed to "but I know he did it" to the judge

He may go a long way to make your life hell but ultimately you are free of him - you can dictate what happens regarding the kids and even take it to solicitors contact only / court if you need to (if he won't be reasonable on any count)

Keep posting on here too - you may be physically alone but I find great help in cyber-support from people who understand too

It really is bloody hard to be mentally free from them isn't it? I found that the worst bit actually - I used to crumble at every mention of his name or a letter through the post (he was abusive in emails etc too) but looking back, I can see that he wasn't in control really - not REALLY.... I had to force myself to stop thinking about it (stop mulling it over etc) and get ANGRY not upset - get angry and it will help... upset feelings make you feel vulnerable - anger helps with adrenaline and fighting!! (well it did me!)

Sorry this is so long - feel free to ignore me!