AIBU for baby daddy to buy his own baby things

[rainingoutsideagain]

Hi all,

No longer in a relationship but I'm trying to plan to co parent best we can once baby arrives. However the father expects to use all my baby things I've bought like diaper bag, pram, clothing etc without contributing a single penny or support throughout entire pregnancy plus once he is born.

AIBU to ask that he supply's his own things? I've had to save hard and buy most things second hand which is fine but I'm sick of give give give all the time. He didn't want any part of the pregnancy so why should I support him post pregnancy?

I could understand it if he was just flat out broke but he spoils his DD and can afford to hit the pub every weekend with his pals. He hasn't been to any appointments and just expects that he will have baby when it arrives next month and play a part in his life. Also he says he cannot afford maintenance (a whole other issue which I will go to CSA for) but I've worked hard and I want him to man up and take responsibility financially and support his son.

Please no negative comments I'm looking for general advice to help not bad vibes.

I can't see how that would work. He'll have to get stuff. Plus is he expecting to have baby at his house straight away? I thought advice when they are very young is short visits often rather than overnights.

Thanks @Butterymuffin I've been thinking I'm harsh but I'm nervous now as last couple of weeks to go before arrival and I know he thinks he can just show up anytime with DD and play doting father. He certainly won't be taking baby out for a while as planning to BFeed but it's just I'm anxious about the whole thing overall.

He literally hasn't bought a single thing and when I mentioned months ago about supplying his own things he laughed and said well the baby will be naked when with me. I know he wouldn't do this nor would I let him take my son away. It's just the final countdown and I wanted to find out if I ABU. I don't even want him using my pram tbh why should he get it so easy?

I've spent months preparing and bonding with my bump and just feel like I can't give it all to him ready to play father at the pub with his pals.

Well own cot yes fine, a baby sit would be a good idea, but maybe unnescessery to have two prams two car seats ect, You could suggest it would make things easier but he may say why if baby already has one and tbh I agree. But don,t let him get away with out contributing financially.

csa - straight off
also breastfeed as long as possible and dont let him take the baby out unsupervised, he sounds useless

let him come to you (if you can put up with him),and short visits are best

He will need some stuff at a later stage but as the baby will be staying with you and he will be visiting he doesn't need anything to start off with. He has to pay you money whatever though.

It’s clear you’ll be co-parenting in the loosest sense.

Definitely get on to CSA as soon as you possibly can. He needs to contribute towards all the things you're having to buy.

Since you're no longer together, I wouldn't have expected him to attend any appointments through your pregnancy.

Regarding having his own things for the baby, I guess that's a tough one as beyond having a cot and some toys at his place for when/if the baby stays, I would expect most things to go back and forward with the baby. Things like a pram in particular, there isn't much value in buying 2 when neither will be in use when the baby isn't around.

That said though, I completely get your frustration as he should definitely be chipping in for all of these things. Has he actively said he won't pay towards any of it?

One problem with him using your stuff is when it inevitably gets lost, broken, damaged, trashed etc in his care. Who then replaces it? It sounds like he'll not be out on his own for a good while so maybe park this whole question for now and see how things pan out. And yes 100% cms for maintenance ASAP

Thanks all, I appreciate the positive advice. Yes he has our right said he won't contribute for anything and good luck with me getting maintenance. I just feel let down as we both wanted a baby but the reality of financially making sacrifices just hasn't been accepted by him.

I guess my frustration is that of course I'll let him have my pram etc but it's always me having to give in. He knows I wouldn't let my son go without, it's just hard. I wanted it to be different but I'm just getting sued the aftermath of a broken relationship and I won't let it effect our son. He deserves to ride around in his pram regardless of who is pushing it. I've just got to get over it!

Thanks again all it's good to voice it out with you all .

I agree with you, no he shouldn't get to use your hard earned items, but this is a bit of a non issue at the moment, when baby arrives as pp have said short interactions, where you feel safe, building up for a while.

Might be bucking the trend but I would say don't give it. He can get a second hand pram. Yes, probably the car seat (for safety reasons) can be borrowed. Not you change bag etc though.

My guess would be he'll disappear when you involve the csa but I think I would do it. Hard lesson, I'm really sorry.

He can get his own stuff. Hopefully you are giving your son your surname too

It sounds like you are both being a bit naive to be honest. For the first couple of months he will be visiting at your house. Where he will need to learn all the basics.

Then he might start to take baby out for an hour or so. But you need to think about how he's going to feed the baby. Will you express milk? Because that's a tall order. Or will you mix feed?

I suggest you might want to lay this out to him sooner rather than later because he doesn't seem to have a fucking clue.

I'm sure google or other MNETTERS will be able to help you come up with a schedule that's realistic. I'd aim for something that might be reasonable in court. For the foreseeable though he's not going anywhere with the baby.

Your surname for sure. And then CSA. If he’s not going to contribute then you do it all to suit the baby’s welfare and your own.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. I know it seems like the right thing at the moment but you’ll have a lifetime of having to get him to agree to things - passport, travel, even schools. He sounds like a grade 1 prick.

Tbh that's where it all started from the surname. I wanted to do double barrel or mine as he hasn't stepped up. It's a shame that's it's come to this but I'm going to have to do things my way.

Not on the BC, I'll let him use things which are necessary but anything else he can delve into his pint money.

I guess it's real as last few weeks and you're right I'm probably over thinking it as it's just round the corner, but it's a lifetime of choices and challenges I've got to face. A pram and car seat at this stage are the least of my worries!

I'm in my early 40s and it was our last shot, I'm happy to be doing this on my own but will always try to be the better person. It's a lot more effort to be nasty and the only person that misses out is our son. Ive already missed out and closed that door.

Thanks again ladies, much needed advice and I appreciate your time and effort in sharing your thoughts x

I just wanted to post as i had a similar situation, I wasn't with my child's father throughout my pregnancy and although we kept things friendly it was difficult to know how to play things when the baby arrived. He got back together with an ex girlfriend whilst i was pregnant which further complicated things.

I would say that for now you have to make plans for him not being involved and not worry too much about sharing the babies things as you have no clue how it will all play out when the baby comes. I remember being really fearful that "they" (him and his GF) would want to play happy families with my baby and made up all these scenarios in my head and none of it worked out like that and i ended up worrying myself for no real reason. She wanted nothing to do with the baby and resented him having any involvement (they are not together anymore for this reason...his daughter was his priority)

Originally i had planned to put him on the birth certificate and morally I felt it was the right thing to do, but ultimately i decided not to as i felt it gave him too much say in my life, he wasn't happy but respected by decision. She does have a double barrelled surname but i only decided that after he showed a good commitment to being part of his daughters life and contributing financially to her up bringing. You do not have to decided right away, you have a few weeks after the baby is born to see if he'll step up...if in doubt i'd just put your surname. It's something that can be changed, adding their name to the birth certificate can be done at a later date but it's harder/impossible to take them off.

For us, we are co-parenting quite well, he lives in a different country and so has to use her stuff when he visits, but i have no issue and although he didn't buy it in the first place he does now make a contribution to her upbringing. He always brings clothes and toys when he visits and is good at asking if there is anything she needs at Christmas and birthdays and not just buying for the sake of buying...for her first Christmas she was 6 months old and he bought a range of weaning stuff, bowls, bibs, spoons etc
So it can work....but it all depends on the person, i feel i got lucky, although it's certainly not perfect and i do have to make concessions and make an effort to make him feel included.

My main message is...try not to give yourself undue worry, plan for going it alone and know that it is possible and you'll do a great job of it. Take good care of yourself and try enjoy the rest of your pregnancy xx

Stand your ground. Tell him in advance that he either needs to pay half or buy his own and don't give in.